I want to talk about what it’s like to claw yourself out from the depths of hell of an eating disorder relapse and become fat again, only to be told by family and medical providers that it seems like you’ve now “went to the other extreme.”

I want to talk about how it can still feel unbearably torturous to eat even though you’ve done months and months of recovery and you’re back in your fat body and then have people ask, “are you sure you need to eat that much?”

I want to talk about what it’s like to experience self-doubt with every single bite you consume, in a world that tells you that you’re obviously doing something wrong if you’re fat. Those comments are not innocuous. They can make you want to run straight back to your ED.

Because when you’re restricting and you force yourself into a smaller body, at least you’re being “good.” You’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing. You can now avoid judgement, assumptions, & bullying. But that smaller body comes at the cost of your life.

I truly don’t have the words to articulate the hell of living with an eating disorder and then have people tell you that you’ve gone too far with your weight gain when every pound you gained in recovery was an agonizing battle in the first place.

*I also want to make it clear that not everyone with a restrictive eating disorder loses weight. Many people remain fat in their eating disorders and have just as life threatening concerns. My body happens to change when I restrict but my nourished body is a fat body.