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Rigorous honesty time. I slipped up last night with both alcohol and weed. Full-out thought dump below, mostly to remind myself in the future but also in case it could help someone on here in some way 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Wachsendes Herz" aria-label="Emoji: Wachsendes Herz"> #RecoveryPosse
First of all, Iâm calling it a âslipâ and not a relapse because I will not be continuing with that foolishness and in my mind, ârelapseâ denotes a longer period than just one night. I had a slip, but I will not continue into a full relapse. This reframing helps me.
Secondly, in retrospect itâs extremely obvious why I did it (besides, duh, alcoholism). I havenât been fully honest with my sister about my struggles, beyond refusing âbecause of my medicationsâ (which is not untrue, but not the whole truth obviously)...
and maybe hinting towards the fact but never outright saying to her âIâm an alcoholic/addictâ. So recently Iâve told her something like, âI really miss drinking, but I know I canâtâ. Last night she said, âDidnât you switch medications?â...
And I just kind of nodded and then she was like âwell, want to try having a glass of wine with me before I go to âBoyfriendââs house for the night?â Famous fuckin last words. Anyway, I immediately shook my head no and then left the room, but then texted her â....maybeâ...
Then I sat and thought for awhile, but clearly not long enough because I stopped short of re-rationalizing my rationalizations for why I could âjust have oneâ (https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit rollenden Augen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit rollenden Augen">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit rollenden Augen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit rollenden Augen">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit rollenden Augen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit rollenden Augen">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit rollenden Augen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit rollenden Augen">). Btw, I was hungry, angry, lonely, AND tired. Did I recognize this and pause to sort those things out? Nope...
I sat with my sister on the deck and tried to enjoy my one glass of wine. Because of course thatâs all I would be drinking. I think we all can guess what actually happened next. After about 5 minutes of enjoying myself, that âwhat-the-fuck-am-I-doingâ feeling set in...
30 or so minutes later my sister left. Guess how I ultimately decided to squash my bad feelings! I drank a fuck ton more wine. Way too much for probably any healthy person, but wayyyyyy more than is reasonable for someone who had not consumed any alcohol for the past 483 days.
Then I felt nauseous (big surprise there) so decided to top off my night with some of my sisterâs weed. Just so everyone knows, I was honestly miserable the whole fucking time. Boyfriend reacted badly despite the fact that he was also drinking last night...
Iâve skimmed through my own tweets/likes/replies from last night and I donât think I did too much damage, mostly stopped interacting when I started to get real messy, but my apologies to everyone regardless. Shouldâve stayed off Twitter completely in that state.
I considered turning off replies for this thread because I am ashamed. I wonât, but just know I may not have the energy to reply and itâs nothing personal.
Iâll be going to a meeting at 1, and probably another later tonight. Feeling sad, and extremely hungover of course, but I know I can and will learn from this. Please heed this cautionary tale https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Wachsendes Herz" aria-label="Emoji: Wachsendes Herz">
