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Found my old LDS garments in my dresser last night. I told my Never-Mormon partner that I had something “sexy” to put on as a surprise.
He FREAKED out. The comments made were priceless! Honestly, I’ve never been called an “Amish Escort” before.
He FREAKED out. The comments made were priceless! Honestly, I’ve never been called an “Amish Escort” before.
Comments made: “I feel like these Garments are only sexy for Schrute Farms.” (The Office reference)
“If I Google how Mormons have sex, would I get a lot of pop ups for modest clothing websites?!” 
“This makes a lot of sense why your current underwear is chill compared to your personality.”
Me: “WTF?! I thought my current undies are cute!”
Him: “Everything is sexy and wild compared to your old... whatever THAT is.”
Me: “WTF?! I thought my current undies are cute!”
Him: “Everything is sexy and wild compared to your old... whatever THAT is.”
“I want to unsee ALL of this.”
“If I saw these the first time we hooked up, I would call a therapist IMMEDIATELY and ask how emotionally safe it is to date a cult member.”
“If people wear these garments as underwear, do Mormons wear regular ass bathrobes on their honeymoon as “naughty” lingerie?!”
Him: “Those bottoms look familiar. Hey, did you wear them as spanx under that dress once?”
Me: “I didn’t want to buy spanx at the time and I knew they worked for chub rub. Don’t judge me!”
Him: “Oh I’m judging... I’m judging so HARD right now!”
Me: “I didn’t want to buy spanx at the time and I knew they worked for chub rub. Don’t judge me!”
Him: “Oh I’m judging... I’m judging so HARD right now!”
“You know what?! I take that back, I think even the Amish would be insulted by me calling you an Amish Escort in all that.”
“For underwear that’s supposed to be modest, why can I still see your “business”? Your garments are still a little see through. You might as well buy underwear you want and get a “members club” patch to sew on them instead.”
Me: “So what should I do with these old Mormon garments? I could cut & use them as cleaning rags.”
Him: “I’m in a horror movie and I need to call a shaman to safely these without losing our chi. I’m serious Mere! I’m googling local spiritual home cleanses.”
Him: “I’m in a horror movie and I need to call a shaman to safely these without losing our chi. I’m serious Mere! I’m googling local spiritual home cleanses.”
Him: “Why didn’t you warn me about these garments?! You would look WAY better in one of those ridiculous unitard things baton twirlers wear during AYOP (American Youth On Parade).”
“I feel a strong urge to sleep on the couch to process this alone. There’s not enough weed in the tri-state area to help me forget you showing me your old Mormon Garments.”
“Looking at you in your garments is making my facial spasms come back. Meredith don’t laugh, this is now a health issue for me.”
