I barely know what kinning is & have never felt like I would ever kin a character. But when it comes to Billy the sheer ridiculous amount of parallels between our struggles, what negative coping mechanisms we use, the way we lash out, the way we channel sexuality as a weapon,

the way we bottle up emotions, push those away who try to help, our fashion sense, our music taste, and a bunch more.

Like I have never felt closer to a character.

And I want to clarify I am WAY less of an asshole ha ha. I recognize he can really suck as a person sometimes.

I’m not violent, I don’t lash out in any way that wild cause actual intentional harm. That’s not how I relate to him.

It’s the softer quiet suffering. The stuff that makes it almost too close to home when I read fics around his mental health/recovery.

The way he realizes he is acting out but he can’t stop and he doesn’t know how to ask for help and when people do try to help he pushes them away. The way it feels like asking for help is showing weakness and that he has to bear it all on his own.

The way he uses bravado almost like spraying too much cologne to cover up the stink of loneliness and sadness and anger and frustration. That maybe if he fakes it hard enough it’ll just become reality.

The only difference I’m finding is that I am finally accepting help.

I’m taking my destructive trainwreck behaviour and working my ass off to fix it and to heal and grow.

Which is also why I’m so deeply in love with the fics I’ve seen recently where he does the same. If fictionally he can get better, so can I.

Anyway sorry for the long rant. I just wanted to express this weird deep connection with the character that I’ve been feeling recently. Feels cathartic to express it.