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Okay, fine, let’s go. I have a story about this.
This story takes place three years ago, at a medium-sized comic convention I was attending.
There was another cartoonist there I was excited to finally meet. I’m not going to say who this is.
1/17 (yeah this goes on for a bit) https://twitter.com/retronouns/status/1387416049335734277">https://twitter.com/retronoun...
This story takes place three years ago, at a medium-sized comic convention I was attending.
There was another cartoonist there I was excited to finally meet. I’m not going to say who this is.
1/17 (yeah this goes on for a bit) https://twitter.com/retronouns/status/1387416049335734277">https://twitter.com/retronoun...
I had known this person casually online for a couple of years. I was (and still am, mostly) a big fan of his work. One of the things I appreciated was that he goes out of his way to be sympathetic to trans people and trans issues.
I very much thought of him as an ally.
2/17
I very much thought of him as an ally.
2/17
So we finally met face to face, and he was very nice, and said he was getting together with some people that evening and would I like to come along. I was like, great, I have no other plans!
But then another person entered the conversation. A cis woman.
3/17
But then another person entered the conversation. A cis woman.
3/17
And, addressing her, he misgendered me. Twice. He referred to me using male pronouns.
The first one made me wince. The second one absolutely deflated me.
I went back to my table. Later, he came over and apologized. He knew he’d screwed up. I told him it was okay.
4/17
The first one made me wince. The second one absolutely deflated me.
I went back to my table. Later, he came over and apologized. He knew he’d screwed up. I told him it was okay.
4/17
Of course it was not okay. It ruined my day.
Getting misgendered occasionally is a fact of life. It sucks but you learn to just move on. But it doesn’t happen to me a lot. I think in the three years since, I’ve been misgendered in person...maybe twice? Both by strangers.
5/17
Getting misgendered occasionally is a fact of life. It sucks but you learn to just move on. But it doesn’t happen to me a lot. I think in the three years since, I’ve been misgendered in person...maybe twice? Both by strangers.
5/17
This was different—I expected this particular person to see me for who I was. And he called me “him” anyway. Twice.
I pretended I wasn’t devastated by it for a while, but a few months later I messaged him and I was like “hey, so you misgendered me twice at that con.”
6/17
I pretended I wasn’t devastated by it for a while, but a few months later I messaged him and I was like “hey, so you misgendered me twice at that con.”
6/17
He immediately apologized again, and called it “the worst thing I’ve ever done at a con.” He obviously felt really bad, which made me feel a little guilty for making it a thing.
He also made some attempts at explaining himself, which...you probably should not do.
7/17
He also made some attempts at explaining himself, which...you probably should not do.
7/17
His explanations:
1. “Cons are stressful. I get people’s names wrong a lot. I might know someone is named Frank but call them Bill.”
I don’t believe for a second you get people’s GENDERS wrong a lot though. Cis people anyway. I bet you’ve never called Frank “Liz.”
8/17
1. “Cons are stressful. I get people’s names wrong a lot. I might know someone is named Frank but call them Bill.”
I don’t believe for a second you get people’s GENDERS wrong a lot though. Cis people anyway. I bet you’ve never called Frank “Liz.”
8/17
2. “I was reacting to your height.”
Uh huh. I’m well under six feet. It’s true I was taller than the other (cis) woman who was there, but many cis women are taller than me, and I do not believe he’s going around routinely misgendering every cis woman over 5’8”.
9/17
Uh huh. I’m well under six feet. It’s true I was taller than the other (cis) woman who was there, but many cis women are taller than me, and I do not believe he’s going around routinely misgendering every cis woman over 5’8”.
9/17
3. “I know you’re a woman! Of course I know that! I just hadn’t fully mentally connected the person standing in front of me to the woman I knew online.”
Aha. Now we’re getting somewhere.
10/17
Aha. Now we’re getting somewhere.
10/17
I don’t want to make it sound like I can read minds, but...I can kind of read minds. Trans people develop this skill. We can tell what you really think about us.
What my friend was saying, whether he knew it, was that he both does and does not really see me as a woman.
11/17
What my friend was saying, whether he knew it, was that he both does and does not really see me as a woman.
11/17
He believes philosophically and ideologically that trans women are women. I’m sure there is absolutely no question about that in his mind. He thinks (correctly!) that I count as a woman.
But he didn’t really SEE me that way when he looked at me.
12/17
But he didn’t really SEE me that way when he looked at me.
12/17
Because he knew I was trans, he looked at me and saw an AMAB body.
Because of what he believes about that, he knew he was supposed to mentally translate me into a woman.
Because he was tired/overstimulated, he failed to take that step.
13/17
Because of what he believes about that, he knew he was supposed to mentally translate me into a woman.
Because he was tired/overstimulated, he failed to take that step.
13/17
And because he knew that hurt me, he felt bad afterward.
But probably not as bad as I felt. It made me trust all cis allies a bit less. It made me feel like even the ones who consistently remember to call me “her” are looking at me and seeing that awful old trope...
14/17
But probably not as bad as I felt. It made me trust all cis allies a bit less. It made me feel like even the ones who consistently remember to call me “her” are looking at me and seeing that awful old trope...
14/17
“A woman in a man’s body.”
And I am here to tell him, and you, and everyone, to stop thinking about us that way. It’ll make it easier to call us by the right pronouns, but that’s not even the main reason you need to stop doing that.
15/17
And I am here to tell him, and you, and everyone, to stop thinking about us that way. It’ll make it easier to call us by the right pronouns, but that’s not even the main reason you need to stop doing that.
15/17
You need to stop doing that because it’s incorrect. It’s insulting.
This is my body. I live in it. I’m a woman. Thus, I am a woman in a woman’s body.
You shouldn’t have to mentally translate me, and if you have to do that with trans people you’re thinking about us wrong.
16/17
This is my body. I live in it. I’m a woman. Thus, I am a woman in a woman’s body.
You shouldn’t have to mentally translate me, and if you have to do that with trans people you’re thinking about us wrong.
16/17
So yeah. Don’t misgender us with pronouns, but that’s just the start. If you really want to be an ally, change the way you think of us.
We are the genders we are, in the bodies we have. Same as you. Until you see that, you don’t really see us.
17/17
We are the genders we are, in the bodies we have. Same as you. Until you see that, you don’t really see us.
17/17
