"Some people are simplifiers. You're a complexifier."

This was a piece of feedback I received once from a colleague.

Yeah, it burned.

It felt like a shitty thing to say.

Thread (1/11)

Why did I think that? Let's break down the ways:

1) Immediately I'm cast as different, part of the "other" group

2) Saying I'm a "complexifier" makes it sound like this sucky label is my permanent identity.

3) Geez this statement is broad. How about some examples?

(2/11)

I can't say why my colleague gave me feedback this way.

Were they trying to sound insightful? Smart? Superior?

Maybe they thought this kind of delivery would have the biggest impact?

Maybe they wanted to see me squirm?

(3/11)

Would it have been so hard for them to say it differently?

"Hey Julie, when you presented XYZ the other day, I found it hard to follow. It'd be great to know the summary of your point right at the beginning."

"Thank you!" I would have said. "That's really helpful!"

(4/11)

Or:

"I couldn't wrap my head around your explanation of ABC; there were too many details and I got lost trying to figure out what you thought I should take away."

(5/11)

Or simply:

"I've noticed when you explain things like XYZ and ABC, you have a tendency to include complex details when I'm just looking for a three-sentence summary."

(6/11)

At the time I heard this, I felt justifiably defensive.

I activated my armor and let the words bounce right off of me.

I thought *their feedback* was the problem.

It's a shame I did.

(7/11)

It took me years to see that my colleague had a point.

I *did* tend to over-provide context.
My points weren't succinct.
My thinking was sometimes muddled.

There's a kernel of truth in every feedback.

I could have asked for clarification and learned this sooner.

(8/11)

So what's the lesson here?

If you're the feedback giver: aim for your words to be helpful and actionable.

* Let them know you care about them (don't give the feedback if this isn't true)
* Give examples of their behavior and its impact
* Suggest things to try

(9/11)

If you're the feedback receiver: try your best to see all feedback as a gift, a mirror to reflect back and sharpen your self-awareness.

Unless they are trolling, don't let the delivery of the feedback impede your ability to hear the message.

(10/11)

You can't control someone's feedback, and how or what is said, but you can control whether you receive it graciously and whether you allow it to help you improve.

Sometimes, precious gifts lie behind shoddy veneers.

Fin.

P.S. I write a new Twitter thread every week, and you can get the summaries in your inbox once a month here: http://lg.substack.com