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hollow | suna rintarou, sunaosa, tw depression
Rin wakes up. It's terrible. That's normal.
But the feeling gets worse. Most days aren't like this. And that makes the days that are harder. He isn't equipped to handle this. He doesn't want to. +
Rin wakes up. It's terrible. That's normal.
But the feeling gets worse. Most days aren't like this. And that makes the days that are harder. He isn't equipped to handle this. He doesn't want to. +
Breakfast is fine. It's the same shit they feed them every day, and Rin hardly has the appetite for it most days. Today he pushes chunks of egg and rice across his plate while the twins bicker and Gin tries to mediate.
His skin feels restless. +
His skin feels restless. +
He can't focus in class. His leg won't stop jittering. His knee taps against his desk loudly enough to draw glares from the girl next to him (he doesn't know her name, has never cared to learn it) and Osamu turns his head from the seat in front of him with a frown.
"You okay?"+
"You okay?"+
Rin shrugs. He forces his feet against the ground and spins his pencil between his fingers instead. "Yeah."
Osamu is still frowning when he turns away. Guilt has entered the stage and the crowd in Rin's head roars and cheers and heckles it into something that makes him sick.+
Osamu is still frowning when he turns away. Guilt has entered the stage and the crowd in Rin's head roars and cheers and heckles it into something that makes him sick.+
It's fine, he thinks. I'm fine.
He goes back to his dorm during lunch even though they aren't allowed to. Then he wishes he hadn't; the silence feels oppressive, even though it's all he wanted.
Lunch is over when he makes it back. He doesn't have an appetite anyway.+
He goes back to his dorm during lunch even though they aren't allowed to. Then he wishes he hadn't; the silence feels oppressive, even though it's all he wanted.
Lunch is over when he makes it back. He doesn't have an appetite anyway.+
Classes pass in a blink. He doesn't remember the lectures. He took notes, but he didn't absorb them.
It's fine, he thinks. He changes for practice. The casual barbs he would usually throw at his teammates are stuck behind his teeth. I'm fine.+
It's fine, he thinks. He changes for practice. The casual barbs he would usually throw at his teammates are stuck behind his teeth. I'm fine.+
Practice is terrible, but at least it rattles his attention. He's playing like shit, which he never does, so at least he gets away with a few passive corrections from the coach and a narrow side-eye from Kita rather than a full dressing-down.
He skips dinner. He’s fine.+
He skips dinner. He’s fine.+
He can count the words he's said today on his fingers.
Morning, to Osamu. Yeah, to Osamu. Good, to Osamu. One touch, to the team at large. Not hungry, to Osamu and (by extension) Atsumu.
He takes a shower. Gin isn't back in their room, so he tries to work on his homework.+
Morning, to Osamu. Yeah, to Osamu. Good, to Osamu. One touch, to the team at large. Not hungry, to Osamu and (by extension) Atsumu.
He takes a shower. Gin isn't back in their room, so he tries to work on his homework.+
No luck.
He checks Twitter. Tries scrolling tiktok. Tries watching a movie on his laptop, but he can't make it through the opening.
He ends up curled up in his bunk with his headphones on, trying to drown out the too-much-not-enough-can'tcan'tcan't and hopefully find sleep.+
He checks Twitter. Tries scrolling tiktok. Tries watching a movie on his laptop, but he can't make it through the opening.
He ends up curled up in his bunk with his headphones on, trying to drown out the too-much-not-enough-can'tcan'tcan't and hopefully find sleep.+
He doesn't hear anyone enter, but he sways away from the wall under the firm tug of a hand. He isn't surprised to see Osamu when he peels open his eyes.
Osamu carefully pulls one of his earbuds out. "Hey."
"Hey." Rin looks at his captive earbud pointedly.+
Osamu carefully pulls one of his earbuds out. "Hey."
"Hey." Rin looks at his captive earbud pointedly.+
Osamu raises a brow. "You can tell me to fuck off in a minute. But ya haven't eaten all day, so I'm gonna watch ya eat this first." He holds up a protein bar.
Rin lurches up with a sigh. "I'm not hungry," he says. He takes the bar and rips it open.+
Rin lurches up with a sigh. "I'm not hungry," he says. He takes the bar and rips it open.+
Osamu stays crouched beside the bed, watching Rin chew his way through the bar in amicable silence.
The crowd roars. His stomach turns. His skin itches. He needs to do something. Can't do anything.
He swallows the last bite and drops the wrapper on Osamu's head. "I'm fine."+
The crowd roars. His stomach turns. His skin itches. He needs to do something. Can't do anything.
He swallows the last bite and drops the wrapper on Osamu's head. "I'm fine."+
"Didn't ask." Osamu shakes his head like a puppy and the wrapper drifts to the floor. "Since yer definitely not."
Rin narrows his eyes. Osamu lifts his arm and blocks the socked foot aimed at his cheek. Bastard.
"And I know ya don't want to talk about it."+
Rin narrows his eyes. Osamu lifts his arm and blocks the socked foot aimed at his cheek. Bastard.
"And I know ya don't want to talk about it."+
Rin drops back to the mattress with a huff. "There's nothing to talk about, 'Samu."
"We don't have to talk. I told ya I'd fuck off if ya ate, so I'll fuck off." He pushes himself to his feet. "See ya in the morning, Sunarin."+
"We don't have to talk. I told ya I'd fuck off if ya ate, so I'll fuck off." He pushes himself to his feet. "See ya in the morning, Sunarin."+
Osamu is walking out and Rin's teeth are stuck. The words hammer at them, pry at them, and Osamu is halfway out when his teeth are broken apart enough for a word to slip out.
"Wait," he says.
Osamu looks back at him, tilting his head. "Yea?"+
"Wait," he says.
Osamu looks back at him, tilting his head. "Yea?"+
His teeth are splinters and the crowd is jeering. Still, he says, "You can stay."
Osamu leans against the doorway, watching him thoughtfully. "Not stayin' unless ya want me to."
"I want you," Rin says. His skin crawls.
Osamu closes the door.+
Osamu leans against the doorway, watching him thoughtfully. "Not stayin' unless ya want me to."
"I want you," Rin says. His skin crawls.
Osamu closes the door.+
Osamu nudges him until there's enough room for him to slide into bed beside him. He draws up the blankets, lifting them up and over their heads before settling on the pillow beside him.
This is new. They haven't been doing this for long, haven't really talked about it.+
This is new. They haven't been doing this for long, haven't really talked about it.+
Osamu leaves a considerate space between them that Rin closes. He touches Osamu's cheek with gentle fingers, brushes damp hair from his cheek, cups the side of his neck over his steady pulse.
Osamu drapes an arm around him, nudges their knees together, tips his head closer.+
Osamu drapes an arm around him, nudges their knees together, tips his head closer.+
"Ya don't have to be okay, ya know?" Osamu mumbles. "Everybody's not okay sometimes. Look at Tsumu, he's a mess."
Rin almost cracks a smile. "That's different."
"Yeah." Osamu rubs his back gently. "Still okay."+
Rin almost cracks a smile. "That's different."
"Yeah." Osamu rubs his back gently. "Still okay."+
Rin watches him in the hazy light of their fortress. His skin still feels like it fits wrong and there's a hollow space in his chest where everything that makes him himself should live. Nothing is fixed.
But Rin doesn't think Osamu came here to fix him. He's just here because-
+
But Rin doesn't think Osamu came here to fix him. He's just here because-
+
"Wanna listen to music with me?" Rin asks.
Osamu nods. Rin tucks the abandoned earbud into Osamu's ear, tracing the curve of it carefully. Osamu shifts a fraction closer and his eyes drop closed, hand still rubbing soothing circles against his spine.+
Osamu nods. Rin tucks the abandoned earbud into Osamu's ear, tracing the curve of it carefully. Osamu shifts a fraction closer and his eyes drop closed, hand still rubbing soothing circles against his spine.+
Rin watches him, then scoots close enough to press their foreheads together. He closes his eyes and curls his hands into Osamu's hoodie and lets himself relax.
Maybe he's not fine. But he will be. And he maybe feels a little better now.
//end
Maybe he's not fine. But he will be. And he maybe feels a little better now.
//end
if you couldn't tell, I just learned what the multi-tweet function is
