Lost my best friend in the world, Elliot, 5 years ago to an overdose.

I think about him a lot every day, but especially today.

I was a mess at first. I didn’t get the goodbye I wanted, the goodbye I felt I deserved. Everything was emotionally overwhelming.

While I knew whatever I was looking for wasn’t going to be at the bottom of a bottle, it didn’t stop me from checking.

Couldn’t move on at first, because letting go, in any capacity, felt like the ultimate betrayal. Just felt wrong to acknowledge that the world would keep spinning without him. It felt wrong to be happy, to continue to live my life.

It took time, and the help of many amazing friends, to realize that I needed to stop being a slave to this memory and start living my life as a celebration of his. That despite the pain and bitterness in this world, I needed to find love.

Losing Elliot left an indelible mark on me

shook me to the core

but it also jerked me awake from the day dream of my early twenties in a cold sweat,

suddenly anxious for all the lives that I hadn’t lived

I think I'll ramble for a bit

lots of this might seem trite and cliche

not going to say anything original or new here, but

here's some scattered thoughts

Memento Mori

Taking this fact to heart brings a kind of moral and emotional clarity and energy to the present.

It's understandable that thinking about death can be a bit uncomfortable, but to think this shit is morbid is to miss the point.

No one is impervious to death

The busy, the important, the rich & successful, they all die

The above fact is only as terrifying as you let it be

Life is good

Every day should be a celebration

Find new love, find love for what you do, the people in your life, and what you see in the mirror

Find love despite the pain and bitterness of this world

Find love and passion and chase it until it’s your time to depart

Don't wait for birthdays and funerals and anniversaries of deaths to celebrate life.

Whatever you do, however seemingly ordinary and arbitrary, try and feel the preciousness of life - today and every day.

We have had a thousand chances to tell the people closest to us that we love them, in a way that they feel it, and in a way that we feel it… and yet, we’ve missed most of them - and we don't know how many more chances we’re going to get.

Take a moment to listen to the laughter of someone you love. Observe the way their nose crinkles, or how their teeth stick out. Just cherish the pure joy of a moment.

Call your mom, call your dad, call your home friend you haven’t talked to in a while.

Talk to someone who’s killing it and let them know how much you appreciate having them in your life.

Check in with that kid who you know is struggling.

BE YOUR BROTHERS KEEPER

You may at some point be faced with a circumstance where you have to make the difficult decision of calling for help for someone against their will

Simplest decision - if you love someone, you will save them, even if they don't think they need saving.

CAPTURE MOMENTS:

After losing Elliot, I decided that I was going to start taking my camera with me everywhere.

They were snaps, mostly, but they were true; honest, unadulterated, slice-of-life type images which now hold tremendous value as memories. I cherish those deeply.

Harness and cultivate emotions, Don’t suppress.

Turn anger and fear into courage. Take action. Turn envy into motivation. Sublimate anger into courage.

It’s okay to be friends with these emotions, they’ll provide you with the energy to overcome hard problems.

Remember - we are all just playing games until we get disconnected from this multiplayer platform: The money game. The relationship game. The status game. The explorer game.

Pick your favorite ones & enjoy the ride. Just don’t forget the initial premises: they are just games.

Life is fun when you become self-aware about this.

It's better performed with some distance & detachment.

We're only playing dress up in the end.

Anyways, thank you, Elliot 

for helping me become

someone who fights heavy eyelids to stay awake each night,

who wakes up smiling the day’s early light,

who sees breathes as gifts and days as diamonds.

For you, and for myself,

I promise to live a life so rich of love and passion that

at the end, I will not be so shy of death.

I love you Elliot, thank you for everything.