"Can I like the @jjkilleentcu West Texas Driving Range guy? He's like....actually not a raging mouth-breather. He makes really strong points, respective to swing plane and has helped me keep the club shallow."

"Is he hot?"

"God no. He's as white as my Titleist AVX."

"Girl...Lemme explain this like you're a freshman at USC....Bravo will not make you a billionaire if you date white guys. Especially not white guys that look like that dude. He's stuck in West Texas for a *reason* OK? Eyes on the prize girl."

"OMG! I am, like, so offended. Who said anything about dating him?"

"Mom, When do we start this US Women's Open thing? Thursday night?"

"And, mom, I love you, but throw those ghastly pants away immediately."

"Yes, you ungrateful hussies. We paid the @usga in untraceable crypto coin and they were able to secure two spots for you both. Thursday morning 8:00am for you Kim and 8:10am for you Khloe. That USGA is the thirstiest organization I've ever seen, and I know Scientologists."

"Mom...Did you say 810am *this* Thursday?!?!? Mom...How in the actual FUCK am I supposed to get my spin and launch angles honed in with these wedges by Thursday?!? I'm still demoing shafts!"

"Yeah....No. Sorry mom, but 800am doesn't work for me Thursday. I've got "sleep" then. Sorry. Can you see if we could play at 11am? Maybe 1230pm?"

"Girls, this US Open is a big deal. You play when they tell you. It's not negotiable. This is going to be HUGE for our brand with the elusive Golf Twitter demographic; incels with high disposable income. We need them for our Callaway Golf launch."

"How much did Callaway pay us again?"

"$40 million. Each."

"Um, yeeeeeah. Mom? $40 mil? This is hardly worth the time."

"Fine, I'll call the USGA and just cancel. They can give that $40M to a charity like that poor hairy kid from Valencia, Max Homa."

"Wait a hot minute there, Kris. You owe me one, dammit. Lemme play. I'm ready."

"Brilliant! Will they let Caitlyn play?"

"Probably? I mean, it's California. It's not like we're in the dark ages of Arkansas or Texas. Why not?"

"That takes care of one of our spots....What about the other?"

"We could try Natalie Gulbis?"

"DO NOT MAKE A CIRCUS OUT OF THIS, KIM."

I'm done. Please watch the @uswomensopen at The Olympic Club which is a fine course. (It's just fine, really.)

Last, last, final tweet: dedicating this US Women's Open thread to @ChickPhilA, @sendacott, @Rachel_H5 @sazamagolf
@heycarolynz, @paranoiacs & the one and only @imsocrabby. Women who might be *too good* for this silly game.