What if I write...

AU where Jeno's a stand-up comedian whose entire career centers around the fact that he has 4 dads, 0 siblings, and too many cousins and uncles.

"Do you know how hard it is having 4 dads? It doesn't even matter who's married to who, the dad jokes NEVER STOP."

"People tell me it's cool having 4 dads, bc I get 4 times the birthday and Xmas presents. Yeah, but you know what else comes in 4 times? Father's Day gifts. Like fuck me, right? 4 diff gifts from 4 diff places. Not the same place, bc that's corny. I'm 8 yrs old, people. Fuck."

"D'you know how hard it is being an only child w/ 4 dads? Like it's bad enough w/ 1 dad, but 4? I can't slack in school, bc dad #1 is strict, I can't play sports, bc dad #2 is paranoid, I can't eat fast food, bc dad #3 is a doctor, and I can't sleep, bc dad #4 is fucking loud."

"So my Uncle Johnny's here—hi, Uncle! And you brought Uncle Taeil, how nice. Wait. Shit, if you brought him, how many uncles did he bring? Whatever, I'm just gonna wave at the room. Thanks for paying to see me. You've done it free for yrs but it's nice knowing I'm worth $60 now."

"I have many cousins. I don't play favs—I do, his name's Jaemin—but I can't say that cuz it'll hurt my other cousins. And I'm a fair person, so I try to love my cousins equally, but there's just some I like more than others, yk? Don't lie, y'all know which ones I'm talking abt."

"A lotta ppl think my Uncle Jae is my big brother, which is just wrong. He's my uncle. Yes, he's young-looking. He's 32, what'd you expect him to look like? Yes, I look like him. Genes. It's that easy. No, you can't have his number. He's married and my UNCLE. You fucking CREEPS."

"People love to ask me: 'How do u tell ur dads apart?' And I say, 'Uh, they all look different?' But no, they meant like what I call them. Some thought I really just call them dad #1 to 4. I don't do that. To their faces. I have a Dad, a Papa, an Appa, and a Baba. It's not hard."

"Okay, you have to understand this. If I ask my Papa for help—those of you who know my Papa, sorry—know that that's when I'm truly desperate. End of my rope. No wits left. Like I love him, don't get me wrong, but all his ideas tend to end w/ someone in the ER. Usually himself."

"My cousin Yangyang called me the other day. And nothing good ever happens when Yangyang calls, so immediately I get wary. He says, 'Nono, I need a favor, and you absolutely can't tell my dads abt this.' He only has 2 dads, lucky bastard. So I say, 'Whatchu want?' And he says—

—'I accidentally ran over the backpack Dad got me for my birthday with my bike, and I know he gave you the same one. Can I borrow it so he doesn't kill me?' Now, understand this. His dad—my Uncle Ten, you might've heard of him—is a big fashion designer. His shit ain't cheap. —

—That bag Yangyang ran over was worth $800. It has a silk interior. SILK. And plant-based vegan leather. Yeah, it's EXPENSIVE. So anyway, he over it with his bike—motorcycle, lemme clarify. He's 20, got no sense of self-preservation, and rides a motorcycle. Great combination. —

— And now, he wants my bag. My initial reaction was 'Hell no!', 'cause like I said, that bag is EXPENSIVE, and unlike SOMEBODY, I actually cherish it. I don't even let my dads touch it, but my cousin with the atrocious track record wants to use it to avoid an ass-whooping? —

— *Sigh* I love my cousin. I really do, believe me. But you know what I love more? That bag. And my sense of integrity. So I tell him, 'Sorry, Yang. Figure it out yourself', and hang up, bc unlike him, I'm not rich. I have 4 dads, but none of them are famous designers. Sue me. —

— Also, he can literally drive his ass to the nearest T10L and buy the same bag w/ his allowance. And Yangyang, if you're watching this, hear me out. Listen. If you're so fucking stupid that you can't figure that shit out yourself, maybe you rlly do deserve that ass-whooping."

"So my oldest cousin's getting married. Yes, thank you. Yes, no—HE'S the one getting married, not me, you can stop clapping now. Anyone here know him? His name's Mark. Mark Lee? Rapper, just released his 3rd album, topped Billboard 6 wks running, 3 Grammys? Ooh, a lotta hands —

— I love that. He worked hard, y'know. He deserves recognition. Not just for his music, but his personality. Have you ever met someone, and you just know for a fact they're too good for this world? That's literally me with Mark. The day he told me he was engaged, I swear to god —

— I found his fiancé. Yes. Found. All he told me was his name, and I found him. Don't ask me how, 'cause I don't know, either. Anyway, I sat him down over coffee, and said to him, as any good cousin of the groom should, that he better treat Mark well, or he'll have hell to pay. —

— No, I mean it. I'm not a violent person, but I'm related to some genuinely scary people. Seriously. I can refer you to my cousin Jaemin, who'll call his brother Chenle, who'll call our cousin Yangyang, who'll tell his father about this, and now you've got a problem."

"So I've always been a pretty good kid, my whole life. Yeah, all 21 years of it, like holy shit. I'm not like some of my cousins, who raise hell for the sake of it, or even some of my uncles, who're just petty bastards. Don't ask me for names, they know who they are. —

— Or—and I'm probably gonna get in a lotta trouble for this, so enjoy it before I meet my demise—my dads when they get together and drink. Shit's horrible. I'm embarrassed to call them my parents every morning after. But I digress. So I'm a pretty good kid. I get good grades. —

— I volunteer at the local animal shelter and food bank, and I give blood every other month or so. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't sleep around, and I've never missed a day of school. Yes, thank you. I know I'm a good kid, but thanks for validating me anyways. —

— But there was this one time where I made my dads lose their shit—yep, all 4 of them. And some uncles too, 'cause why the hell not, y'know? Might as well. So, so it happened in like 7th grade or so. I came home after school one day, and I'm 12, so I'm small, weird and awkward. —

— And that day at school, a girl told me she liked me, which made me confused, because I was tiny. 5'2", a buck ten soaking wet, like that girl could probably BENCH me. Also, I had acne and braces. Ew. But anyway, I come home, and I tell my Dad that a girl said she liked me. —

— And he says, without looking at me, 'That's nice, Nono.' So I say, 'I think I might like her too.' Like a DUMBASS. Because I didn't know any better. And my Dad's head SNAPS UP, and he's staring at me, and I'm staring at him, and he grabs his phone, and calls my Papa. —

— He tells him everything I said, 'cause they're married, and then my Papa calls my Appa, who calls my Baba, who calls Uncle Johnny, who calls Uncle Ten. And like that has gotta be the longest family telephone game in history. Guiness World Records, where's our certificate at? —

— Anyhow, couple hrs later, the family arrives, they sit me at the table, and surround me like I'm the key to a cold case, I shit you not. My dads are chugging coffee and talking rapid-fire to each other, Uncle Johnny's eating his third plate of pasta, and Uncle Ten is sobbing. —

— And when things calm down a bit, my Appa looks me in the eye, and says, 'Nono-ah, so you like a girl?' And I'm 12, y'all, I'm being interrogated, I dunno what I did wrong, I panicked. I say yes, and the entire room collectively lose their shit. —

— Appa gasps so hard Dad thought he was having a heart attack. Uncle Johnny chokes on his pasta and Baba had to give him the Heimlich. Uncle Ten starts bawling his eyes out. I start panicking more and then I start to cry, and Uncle Ten picks me up, and we both cry together. —

— And while we're crying together, he pets my head and says, 'Oh you poor, confused child. Liking a girl? My poor, sweet baby.' Like he was genuinely upset I said I liked a girl. And mind you, I didn't figure out my sexuality til I was 15, so we still had a long way to go. —

— By this point the family is in shambles. Uncle Johnny nearly died, Dad almost called 911, Uncle Ten is still crying, and I'm just confused, so I ask, 'Is it bad to like girls?' And all my dads and uncles just freeze in whatever they're recovering from, and give me this LOOK. —

— And finally, Uncle Ten stops crying and says, 'Nono, nobody's liked a girl in this family for 3 generations. You broke the streak.' And me, being a bit of a perfectionist, I felt horrible. My family worked so hard on smthg for 3 generations, and I went and fucked it all up. —

— But like I said, I figured myself out 3 yrs later. I'm not attracted to females at all. But 12 y/o me didn't know that, and neither did my family. I swear to god, they might've actually disowned me if I did. But luckily, I'm just as gay as the rest of 'em, so crisis averted."

"If you ever want to immediately lose faith in humanity, just watch my cousin Donghyuck cook. See, you don't even know him and you're cringing. But yeah, put him in a kitchen, blink, and SOMETHING'S on fire. It's amazing. Like the stove isn't even ON, how the fuck did you do it?"

"I got a confession to make. I...wasn't always funny. Yeah, you're laughing now, but it's true! My entire childhood, I was actually clowned bc I wasn't funny! I had no sense of humor, none! Zilch! My cousins Jaemin, Chenle, and Donghyuck got a particular kick outta it. —

— They nicknamed me 'Nojam', which, for all of you who aren't in tune with Korean slang, means 'no fun'. And I admit it, I was a pretty boring kid. I didn't have many extracurriculars and I just studied all the time. But I had the highest grades, so they can all suck on that. —

— Yep, not a single B in my report card, through my ENTIRE academic career. I got a B+ once, but it's still better than a B, and it was Advanced Chemistry, which they all almost failed, so. And it's ironic, 'cause Jaemin's going to med school and Chenle's an engineering major. —

— But guess what I'M doing now? I'm standing on this fucking stage, as a COMEDIAN, telling JOKES for a living, w/ my own NETFLIX SPECIAL. So Jaem, Lele, Hyuck, if y'all watching this, I hope that med school, engineering school, art school, and student debt is treating you well."

"So I'm gonna let y'all in on a little secret. I got a tattoo. Yeah, I know, shocker, right? It's not my first one, so don't act too surprised, you're 2 years too late for that reaction. This new one, though—you can't see it 'cause it's on my thigh—is really meaningful to me. —

— I got it with my cousins the other day. I'm not gonna drop names, but just know it was all of them, so the shop got VERY good business. We agreed on the designs before college, so it's been marinating for a couple years, and just so you know, it's a specific tarot card each.—

— And those of y'all who're into tarot readings, astrology, etc., don't come for us. We have no idea what those cards mean other than what the internet says. But we got them tattooed onto our skin, anyways. Permanently. Because we're in our 20s, and we don't give a shit. —

— And I know what you're probably thinking. What do my dads think about it? What if the tattoos actually mean something stupid? What if I regret it? First off, lemme clear something up. My dads can't get mad at me for this, because they all have tattoos. Yeah. Every one of 'em. —

— So they have no right to get on my ass abt it, 'cause Appa got his when he was younger than me, Papa has one on his ass that he got when he was wasted, and Dad actually got a name tatted that he later had to get removed. Baba's are okay, though, so I won't drag him here. —

— And second, I KNOW my tattoo might mean something horrible or completely stupid. We ALL do. And we're okay with it. Because then we ALL have a stupid tattoo. It's not like one person got a stupid tattoo and everyone else got meaningful ones, so bam, equality. —

— So by default, I'm not gonna regret my tattoo. I went knowing I might get smthg dumb. That was a conscious decision I made. While I was sober. While my cousins were sober. We were all sober, and that was an accomplishment in itself, because if you've ever met my cousin Renjun —

— You'd know that mf is NEVER sober. Like maybe 20% of the time, but most days if you bump into him there's a good chance he's already had a drink or 4. But yeah, even HE was sober. And we got our tats at J & T's, which is my Uncles Johnny and Taeil's shop, shoutout to them. —

— Anyhow, we get our tats done, it hurt like hell—some more than others, bc they didn't do their homework—and now, we're a customized UNIT. And disclaimer, we don't get family discounts. Tattoo is art, and we paid our Uncles—or dads—what their work is worth. We're not assholes."

"If you wanna talk petty, literally NOBODY tops my Baba. If you think my Dad's petty, think again. Once, my Baba got mad at my Appa for spending $700 on shoes he doesn't even wear. They fought abt it. And it was winter, so it gets really fuckin cold at night, and we had a pool —

— In the backyard. And I swear, I can't make this shit up, but a week later, when it's forecasted to get really cold, my Baba took Appa's credit cards, duct-taped them to a brick, and threw it into the deep end of the pool. By the next morning, the whole thing had froze solid. —

— COMPLETELY solid. You can ice skate on that shit, it was that fucking cold. And god, Appa was furious when he found out. But he couldn't do shit, because the credit cards were six feet under a block of ice, and he can't drill his way down. And I'm not saying I condone this, —

— But we all know who won that one. And if you think I'm shitting you, here, look at that. Look at that! Yeah, that's me by the door. I was like 16. And y'see that man? That grown-ass man sitting head-between-knees by the pool? That's my Appa after my Baba got through with him."

"So the yesterday I was online and saw a buncha discourse over my surname. And look, I get it—4 dads, 4 names, I gotta have a weird mix of it all, right? No. For the last time, people, my surname's Lee, like my Appa. Don't ask me why. They probably flipped a coin or some shit."

"So my cousin Sungchan's here. I know where he's seated—him and his new bf. Pls don't try to hide, new bf, I have a good vantage point here, I'll find ya. And even if I don't find you, know that our cousins, uncles, and my dads are all here at the show. You're SURROUNDED, buddy."

"Okay, but you know who scares me? My baby cousin Jisung. He's 18, dances competitively, face of an angel, heart of gold, probably killed a man. Yeah. He's not like me. I can't get away with shit. I'm 1 kid w/ 4 dads. He's got 2 dads & 5 older brothers. He gets away with MURDER."

"I didn't have friends growing up, and I still don't! I have no friends outside my family, and they're the reason why! As a kid, my cousins were protective of me, bc I was on the fragile side, and eventually, ppl just associated me w/ a buncha hissing gremlins, so now I'm alone."

"So my Uncle Woo's in town right now. And it's weird, bc in person, he looks so young. I mean, he IS young. He's 31. But usually when I see him, he's on some thirst-trap magazine, lookin like a MAN, all mature w/ abs 'n wet hair. But in person? Dude got ID'd for boozy ice cream."

"Y'know, I'm so over the whole DILF agenda associated with my show. Like I see you, nasty internet fuckers. And I dunno what's goin on, but in case I haven't made it clear enough already, my dads are MARRIED. Not all 4 of them to each other, but they're MARRIED. My uncles too. —

— They're all MARRIED. In COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS. With CHILDREN. They have FAMILIES. Do you honestly think a couple of dads who're all employed full-time with kids to juggle day in and day out have the time to hit you up? NO. And if you do, then clearly you're not an adult. —

— Cause once you're an adult, you realize something. Life is nothing more than a precarious balancing act we're all forced into. You've got work and career in one hand, family in another, bills on top of your head, and anxiety about how the fuck to do taxes clamped to your ass. —

— You don't have the time or energy to go around sleeping with whoever the fuck calls you hot, because you've got RESPONSIBILITIES. I'm 21, I've got responsibilities. I have rent to pay, food to buy, cousins to feed 'cause half of them practically lives with me, and a career! —

— And that's just me! Now if you wanna talk about my uncles or my dads, think about everything I just listed, plus college fees for the kids, retirement planning, stock exchanges, mortgage payments, bills, insurance payment bullshit, worrying about their kids, AND careers. —

— We've only got 24 hrs a day. Worrying about all that shit takes time. Making money to worry about that shit takes time. Let's count it. 8 hrs for work & sleep. 4 hrs for home. 2 hrs to pay bills or whatever. 1 hr to drink. Another hr to prep for tomorrow. You're outta time. —

— And if you're thinking, 'Well, they can cut time SOMEWHERE for fucking', NO THEY CAN'T. And especially not w/ some creep on the internet who's probably 14. Being a dad is a full-time job. Being a decent human being is a full time job. And by the looks of it, you're unemployed."

"I've recently come to an epiphany that I'm turning into my Dad. 'Cause every time someone says something dumb to my face, I take a deep breath and say, 'Oh, my sweet, merciful Lord Above', like that'll actually calm me down. And it does. So that led me to realizing something. —

— My Dad, whenever he got annoyed or mad at me or anyone, he'll always take a deep breath and say 'Oh, my sweet, merciful Lord Above, lend me patience', not 'cause he needs to chill, but bc he's buying us time to figure out what we did wrong and fix it before he beats our ass."

"I got into an argument with my cousin Hendery last week at the family barbecue. And I've learned my lesson from that, holy shit. He's 2 yrs older than me, and a philosophy master's in logic. Yeah, we all see where this is going, right? Also, he's a Libra and I'm a Taurus, so. —

— Anyways, we're arguing, and he gets annoyed w/ me. He goes, 'Nono, I'm wasting my time arguing w/ you. Just type out your entire argument, I'll prove you wrong.' And that's odd, 'cause who the hell argues over paper anymore? But I thought fuck it, we're both tired, I'll bite. —

— So I type out my entire argument, opening to conclusion, WITH EVIDENCE, and it takes up about a whole page. Single-spaced. I gotta admit, I was actually kinda proud of it. I print it out, I hand it to him, he takes it, goes inside the house, and disappears for like 2 hours. —

— And then when he comes back, he's like, an entirely different person. I watched Hendery go into the house with bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian t-shirt, flip-flops, and holding that paper. He comes out of the house with glasses, khakis, a polo, a sweater vest, and a whole notebook. —

— It's like he actually DRESSES different just to get his brain to work that much better. Kinda pretentious, if you ask me, but to each their own, I guess. Dress for success, whatever. So he comes up to me, hands me the notebook, and tells me to read through the first 30 pages. —

— And I'm like 'Okay?'. I take the notebook, I flip it open, and I almost shit my pants, y'all. 'Cause on those 30 pages, are the most symbols, numbers, and logic jargon I've ever witnessed in my LIFE. It doesn't even look like math or letters anymore, it looks like hieroglyphs.—

— Then Hendery slides by, all smug, and explains how he took each individual statement of my argument, translated them into conditional propositions, performed truth tables on every one, then linked them all together in a long-ass proof, that by itself took up about 20 pages. —

— And he even explains his reasoning with each line of the proof, as if he hasn't already demonstrated that logic is very much his thing and he's clearly more intelligent than I am. Like, dude, you could've just told me that you're right, I'm wrong, and end it there. But NO. —

— The asshole goes all-out to prove himself right with 30 pages of logical dissection of my bullshit, and even dresses nerdy to rub it in. And okay, you've made your point. I'm wrong. I don't need to finish reading the proof to know that. It's 9 PM and I just want some tequila."

"I love my Uncle Taeil. Yes. Uncle Taeil, I love you, know that. I love you, and I'll be there Friday for dinner, don't worry. Now, I know y'all are probably thinking I did something wrong and am just kissing ass right now, but no. I'm not. Because /I/ didn't do anything wrong. —

— Yeah. Someone DID do something wrong, but it wasn't ME. And before you jump to conclusions, it wasn't any of my cousins, either. Like for once, us kids, we didn't do shit. None of us! And we outnumber our parents 2:1. It was actually our dads. Or well, my Dad, to be specific. —

— And before I go on, y'all need to know this. My Uncle Taeil, he's the oldest of my uncles, and he's a fucking GANGSTER. Like it isn't obvious, 'cause you look at him—all 5' 7" of him—and you just see a little dude with a nice smile, pretty tats, kind eyes, and a cardigan. —

— You don't see a threat. You see a human cuddle bear, but you don't see a single dangerous bone in that man. And if you're lucky, you never will. Maybe you'll spend your entire life being coddled, picked up from school, and having fresh chocolate chip cookies baked for you. —

— But no, my life's a joke, so of course I see how he can be a threat. It happened last Friday, when we usually go to his place for dinner. And dinner at Uncle Taeil's is always fun. He makes great food, and he has two dining tables, so nobody has to be exiled to the patio. —

— Anyhow, at dinner, Dad and Uncle Jae got into an argument over a vacation plan. A few names were called. Papa started recording midway for blackmail. Baba made him stop. Dad started raising his voice. Uncle Jae was getting frustrated. Jaemin was eating rice out of the cooker. —

— And I got antsy. I don't like watching my family argue, especially not my parents and uncles, since there is a bit of an age gap, and generational tensions arise. Which is stupid, 'cause if you take the time to think about it, most of 'em are from the same fucking generation. —

— So they're arguing, and Uncle Jae says Dad's too anal, and Dad gets mad, he slams his hand on the table, and goes, 'Listen here, kid,' at Uncle Jae. And RIGHT THEN, Uncle Taeil sets down his spoon, nice and calm, like so, picks up his glass, and hurls it at Dad's head. —

— It doesn't hit him, of course. It hits the wall behind him, and shatters. But it gets the job done. Dad and Uncle Jae both freeze. Uncle Johnny goes to get the broom. Renjun is drinking my wine. Jaemin finishes the rice from the cooker. Chenle is hogging all the braised pork. —

— And I'm watching, lowkey shitting myself, as Uncle Taeil stands, and he's moving like a cat. Y'know, like when cats move all smooth and slow 'cause they know they're boutta fuck shit up? Like that. And he leans on the table, stares at Dad, and says, with a VERY kind smile, —

— 'Doyoung-ah, this is my house. If you can't play nice here, then get out.' And—holy shit. Uncle Taeil doesn't swear, like ever, but HOLY SHIT. Then he just goes back to eating like nothing ever happened! And the entire time, his kids didn't even bat an eye! They didn't care! —

— Which is fair, considering they were raised by him. But real talk, just how much shit did you see to NOT REACT when that happens? What have you all BEEN THROUGH? 'Cause after witnessing that side of my uncle, my entire fucking life flashed before my eyes. And my cousins —

— These mfs were completely UNFAZED. NOTHING! Ice in the veins, stone-cold! And it was then, that I finally understood why Renjun's halfway to alcoholism. He's Uncle Taeil's second eldest. He's been around my uncle long enough, so he has every right to cirrhosis—he's EARNED it."

"I dunno how relevant this is to all of you, but I am, in fact, single. And NO, that's NOT an invitation for you to come harass me. Don't hit me up. Leave me alone. If you think I'm standing here wearing ripped jeans and a suede jacket to get your attention, think again, dude. —

— I'm dressed like this, NOT to please you, trust me. If I could, I'd come here dressed like any normal 21-y/o, which is just week-old sweatpants and a hoodie. But no, I can't do that, 'cause I have a styling team run by Uncle Ten, and he'll skin me alive if I don't dress nice. —

— So for all you horny bastards out there who have been tryna contact me or is currently thinking abt it, I encourage you to stop. My default appearance is not THIS. My natural state of existence is lying on my couch, in sweats that I probably should wash, while eating doritos. —

— Not sexy at all. My legs have not been waxed willingly in about a year. They're waxed, but not for you, asshole. They're waxed 'cause I went to visit my Uncle Ten, which was my first mistake, and he forced me into a salon chair and had his ladies rob me of my pilo-insulation. —

— So now, I have to wear all these tight clothes and layers to stay warm. It's a basic human need. I'll freeze to death if I'm not mummified. It has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to be eyecandy. In fact, I hate looking nice. Have you any idea how hard this shit is? —

— My face is caked with probably 2 pounds of BB cream, nude eyeshadow, and lip balm. I can't sit properly or even bend my knees more than 30 degrees in these pants, which took me about 10 minutes to even PULL ON. My hair is tugging at my scalp from all the gel holding it back. —

— These shoes are giving me blisters on my heels, one of which I'm pretty sure just popped, so, medic! I need a band-aid! And I'm pretty sure this necklace is revealing some sort of latent silver allergy I have, like it knows it too expensive to belong on my peasant ass. —

— So there you have it, y'all. I'm pretty now, I'll be pretty an hour later, and I'm FUCKING MISERABLE. I hate this shit. And if you like it, fine, whatever, you do you. But me, I can't WAIT to have all this wiped off my face, washed outta my hair, and peeled off my skin. —

— I can't WAIT to go home, change my locks so Uncle Ten doesn't break into my house, and crawl into clothes that'll give him a heart attack. I'm done with looking pretty, y'all. And that isn't even in my job description! My job is to stand here and give you jokes to laugh at. —

— I'm not here to be your fucking boytoy. I read my entire contract—even the fine print! There was NOTHING in there that said I had to look like this and be ogled at. And hey, all you horndogs watching this and sending me VERY inappropriate messages on socials, listen up. —

— If THIS is what you're jerking off to, you're gonna be disappointed. Find someone else if you want a pretty boy. I'm not it. On a good day, I'm MEDIOCRE. At BEST. So save your time and download Tinder or some shit, fuck. And Uncle Ten, if you're watching, I'm not blaming you. —

— I know you mean well and you care about me and my appearance, but on top of my next manicure appointment, can I ask a favor? Your company has some awesome lawyers on board. Do any of them specialize in cyber harassment? 'Cause I have a list of assholes, and I want them gone."

"So recently, baby Jisung told me about his first serious crush, which is sweet. So cute. He's young and he's in love. Adorable. So, being the loving older cousin I am, I ask him what the person's like, 'cause I don't wanna assume. And he gives me this big, starry-eyed look, —

— And says to my face, 'He's so hot, and oh my GOD, Nono, he—*whimpers*—he READS!' And...okay. So I wait. And I wait...and I wait. And nothing else. That's it. That's all I got. So I ask him, 'Sung, anything else about him that you like?' And this kid just gives me another look,—

— And says, 'He speaks French.' Which, would be a little impressive, if he was actually FLUENT in it, but I ask about it, and Jisung says the guy's not. So I go, 'That's it?', and he just gives me this happy nod. *Sigh* Bless his heart. Bless his heart, 'cause mine is breaking. —

— It's breaking, y'all. And it's breaking because holy shit, does this kid have some low standards—IF ANY! Okay, the guy's hot. SO?! I see lots of hot guys, especially now, since summer's coming. The world is full of hot men, y'gotta give me more that that, dude, come on. —

— And okay, the guy reads. Again, SO?! What does he read? Romance? Propaganda? Porn? You haven't told me a damn thing! Like shit, I read too! And not only do I read, I write! You think these jokes just spawn from my guts and I can just pull them outta my ass whenever I want? —

—No! I spend HOURS writing them! I have entire notebooks full of 'em! Jaemin reads! Have you SEEN his textbooks? The letters are in 6-point font and half the words are Latin. And Chenle? He doesn't just read, he COMPUTES. Hell, even Yangyang reads! He's failing Lit but he READS!—

— Also, he reads in 5 languages! FIVE! English, Chinese, German, Korean, Thai! You want multilingual? Yangyang's multilingual! And he's FLUENT! In ALL OF THEM! Now THAT'S impressive! And Sung, you're bilingual! English and Korean, and you're fluent in BOTH! You can do better! —

— And my disappointment must've shown, 'cause Jisung's face falls—which was the worst expression change to witness—and he says, 'Yeah, Jaem and Lele didn't like him, either.' Now, I dunno what exactly my cousins didn't like about Jisung's crush, but I have a pretty good idea, —

— 'Cause they're pretty similar to me, and I have high standards when it comes to men. ESPECIALLY when it comes to men. And I don't mean anybody with a dick, I mean, specifically, that if you're a cis male person, I got a list of standards 15 pages long custom-made for YOU. —

— Why? 'Cause my family's seen too many disappointments in its collective gay existence, okay? We don't need another one up in this bitch. But isn't that discriminatory? No, it isn't. I have standards for EVERYBODY. Yours is longer 'cause I might actually end up marrying you. —

— And I don't wanna waste the rest of my life, or even a day of it, with some loser. Nobody wants that! So that's why my standards exist. That's why Jaemin and Chenle also have a list of standards a mile long. It's partly 'cause we're picky, and partly 'cause we're not idiots. —

— But anyways, I look at Jisung, and I tell him, 'Okay, I've never met the guy, so I can't judge. You do you, dude.' And he gives he that happy look again, and skips off. And y'all...listen, I wanted to tell him. I wanted to just hold him and tell him that he's a fucking idiot."