In preparation for @Jarm0u's coaching session, and while I'm not under a lot of freelance work yet, I discovered I could play SMK on the switch with the online SNES app.
My first impressions are along the lines of:

"JESUS MARIE JEAN-FRANÇOIS DE LA COMPTA WHY ARE THE BARRERS ON THE SIDE DISAPPEARING, I NEED THEM"

or
"WHY ARE THERE MOLES *AND* WATER ON THE SAME CIRCUIT, THIS ONLY THE SECOND CUP WHAT IS THIS DIFFICULTY PROGRESSION DAMMIT"

But mostly like
"OH.... AH !.... UH??.... NOOOOOO..... WAIT WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?"

She's going to have her work cut out for her.

Long story short: it looks much easier when @Jarm0u plays it.
Speedrun? More like "hey at least I didn't complete 1 turn in the wrong direction"-run....

Wow, your princess may be in another castle but I sure wish she'd taken all those thwomps with her...

Too much water and fishes, not enough road. 4/10 would not recommend.

Oh no, there are ICE TRACKS in this game
AS IF I DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE TROUBLE STAYING ON THE ROAD AS IT WAS

SUPER MARIO KART ? MORE LIKE SUPER HARD KART

No wait, I recant all my negative statements. I GOT MY FIRST BOOST START OR WHATEVER THEY'RE CALLED
And proceeded to smash into the side of the road, but STILL.

Me, everytime à flower, thwomp, mole or fish jumps at me

(or you know, technically I'm the one aggressively rolling up to bump into them but... Semantics)

I can't even drive straight and y'all expect my gay ass to speedrun this???

Personal reminder fro all the ghost tracks:

WAIT I'M SUPPOSED TO UNLOCK THE SPECIAL CUP?
I CAN'T EVEN COMPLETE A CUP YET

Okay, *MAYBE* starting a cup directly in 100cc was too ambitious...

Me on 50cc / Me on 100cc

Me at the start of a track in GP : "AS A FUTURE SPEEDRUNNER I REFUSE TO LOSE AGAINST CPUs"
Me, halfway : "Okay, look, why did they need to make Luigi THAT good at this race?"
Me, barely passing the track: "I want a lawyer"

I was doing GREAT until I HAD TO PLAY ANOTHER GHOST TRACK WITH VANISHING BARRIERS

Ah yes, the Banana Curse : putting down a banana peel, and being the only one using this area of the track apparently, therefore slipping over it the next time you have to drive there.

A close cousin of the "Wait, was that MY green shell that bumped me??" mystery

DID I DECIDE TO TAKE A BREAK TO GET SOME TEA? YES.
DID I TOOK THAT TEA AND WENT TO COMPLAIN ON @Jarm0u's STREAM? ALSO YES
DID SHE MOCK ME? ABSOLUTELY
DID SHE ALSO GIVE ME ADVICE? OF COURSE, THAT'S WHY SHE'S MY COACH NOW

DO YOU KNOW HOW FOCUSED I AM ON THIS GODS FORSAKEN GAME ?
A FREAKIN MOSQUITO JUST BIT ME ON THE WRIST, RIGHT UNDER MY SCREEN, THAT HOW FOCUSED I AM

Look, apparently my usually really non-competitive brain (to me it's just pressure) decided that the concept of making a friend proud was the ULTIMATE motivation.
Goodbye frens, I am now going to try to DESTROY this game.

(but mostly Luigi, that overpowered motherf*king cpu)

Not to brag BUT I FINISHED 3RD IN 100CC MUSHROOM CUP

No, I cannot do it again, but know that I did at least once today and therefore am on my way to THE TOP ALRIGHT?!

Okay, I'm taking a long break for dinner and... meditation?

But let's have a *professional* opinion:
As a game designer, I think this game is...actually not that bad. Level design is a bit terrible, but correct for its time, controls are much more responsive than I expected...

Camera is quite good, hasn't changed much (got polished ofc), and there are some interesting mechanics.
CPUs have good behaviors too. It seems to me that each character has a driving style but I might read too much into it., they mostly seem to have a set ranking they aim for.

This CPU behavior, while repetitive, actually creates a funny emotional relationship with each character depending how bad you play.
(I SHALL GET MY REVENGE ON LUIGI SOMEDAY)
The ice physics is.... well let's say I'm not a fan of it even in recent Mariokart games.

I guess that's all. I can see why they made a second one, you can already have quite some fun with this first iteration despite its harshness.
And I actually like playing this one better than the one on wii, whose controls are....... ugh.

BUT KNOW THAT EVEN WITH LUIGI'S AWFULLY HARD-TO-BEAT PROGRAMMING, THE VANISHING BARRIERS ARE STILL MY WORST ENEMY

You know what's good with insomnia?

Well, not much.

BUT at least I got a silver mushroom cup in 100cc!!!

I get "help" for the flower cup...... (as you may see on the switch screen, it is not very effective)

You know you're taking this too seriously when you're more upset at GETTING ANOTHER GAMEOVER ON THE LAST FLOWER CUP TRACK DANGIT than at the fact that you woke up sick with a fever.

No, the fever isn't helping either BUT I WILL COMPLETE THIS CUP !!!!
(I'm fine, I actually slept more and woke up much better with no fever or any symptoms)

FREAKIN' FINALLY

Onto the Star cup now

THESE FREAKIN FLOWERS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD I SWEAR TO GAGA

Ah, so THAT'S where that ice level was

How am I doing?
I just loudly exclaimed "MARIO YOU MUSHROOMF*CKER" at my switch, that's how I am doing.

I have lost all my mocking privilege of @Jarm0u's salty screams.

You know what I need? (a break, I need to take a break)

I need Mario to STOP BUMPING ME WHILE INVINCIBLE WHEN I PAINSTAINKINGLY MANAGE TO GET IN THE TOP THREE OF THE RACE

FREAKIN BEAT LUIGI ON VANILLA LAKE 1
ON THE *ICE TRACK*
I AM FILLED WITH OVERCONFIDENCE THIS CAN ONLY END IN A DISASTER

NEVERMIND I AM A GENIUS (actually finished the last track right as a big lightning strike hit nearby , I feel way too powerful right now)

I'M ON A ROLL, first 100cc gold

Current status: trying to get at least silver on the 100cc Flower Cup.
NO IT ISN'T GOING WELL
THE LAVA. IT'S THE LAVA. AND THE WALLS AROUND THE LAVA. AND LUIGI.
AND WHICHEVER CPU LEFT THAT BANANA PEEL RIGHT IN MY WAY, YEETING ME OUT OF THE GHOST TRACK.

I'm very relaxed atm.

Woke at 3am, couldn't sleep, played around for a bit, got the silver flower cup on 100cc.

Turns out I might play better while sleep deprived. I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THAT SAYS MORE ABOUT ME OR ABOUT THE GAME.

Anyway. Nap time.

I streamed my fight to get all 100cc gold needed to unlock the S P E C I A L C U P (), AND I DID IT https://clips.twitch.tv/RudeFaithfulSquirrelMikeHogu-j3L7fq1KgHbISeAX

Yes, it took me THREE HOURS of streaming to get both Flower and Star cup gold. ESPECIALLY STAR CUP.

That 2nd track is my personal hell.

AND NOW I AM TAKING A BREAK DON'T TALK TO ME AND MY SON EVER AGAIN *hugs the golden trophies of the day protectively*

Streamed my discovery of the Special Cup in 100cc.

To sum up my impressions :

I now profoundly hate water, moles and sparkling thwomps.
And this was the very expected comeback of my archnemesis, the VANISHING BARRIERS.

BUT, after around 2h30 of streaming my attempts at keeping my sanity on this eSPECIALly awful CUP, I did pass it... Barely BUT THAT COUNTS.

And if you want to know what the Rainbow Road does to me, this is a good summary of my experience : https://clips.twitch.tv/GiftedBashfulSnoodKappaPride-wVW0g81rdZ6VFdUX

Quick question @Jarm0u : do I get pre-banned from the SMK community if I say I don't actually hate the Vanilla Lake tracks so far?
And if yes, can the sentence be commuted into some community management work or smth?

Is it possible to get TWO MOLES hug-slowing your kart at the same time or was that my imagination?

Asking for a friend.

I have never more related to Peach and Yoshi than since I learned they are called "quiches" in the SMK speedrun community.

Yes, absolutely, me, the princess and the weird dino are all brainless idiots.

Coincidentaly, "princess and weird dino" shall be my new gender identity.

On the "things I learned today about SMK" topic, DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A BRAKE BUTTON?

CUZ I DIDN'T.

I_dont_know_how_to_have_the_ghost_in_Time_Trial_and_at_this_point_I_am_too_afraid_to_ask.jpg
https://twitter.com/bot_me_daddy/status/1371468977390637061

Woke up with a fever again, canceled all plans for today (and they were very good plans ), decided to ruin an already ruined day by Time Trialing the Donut Plains 3 (the one with the face hugging moles and treacherous waters).

With Bowser.
Until I beat my Koopa time.

Y'all bunch of debbie downers, I did it!

This day is vaguely looking up.

Also, because I probably hate myself, I elected to FACE MY DEMONS and do the same with Ghost Valley 3.
The vanishing barriers can't stop me (and that's part of the problem)

Vanilla Lake 2 being real vanilla after GV3, ICE ICE BABY

If you're thinking "oh, logically that means the next one is Rainbow Road", you'd be right.

WHICH IS PRECISELY WHY I'M GOING TO PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

SEE? I DO HAVE A SMIDGEN OF SELF RESPECT!

Tryharding the rainbow road while a friend is streaming his drawing of pretty fishes over extremely relaxing ocean ambient music.

The duality of man.

If you were wondering (you defo weren't but if you're still here you WILL be subjected to my SMK progress), I did the Rainbow Road new best time with Bowser, but then I spent the day playing another game (it had pirates!) and therefore entirely forgot how to play SMK

How do I know? I tried to play Luigi in Special cup gp this morning and it was ATROCIOUS. I bonked into every possible obstacle as if that was the challenge.

Is it possible that I actually got worse while not playing yesterday?

ASKING FOR A FRIEND

Oh it's okay, I'm getting better again.
Still not enough for Special Cup 100cc gold but I SHALL PREVAIL IN THIS LOVELY HORRIBLE PIECE OF A GAME

You too, start the working day with a healthy dose of rage by being game overed in Special Cup in a series of unavoidable events.
From invincible Mario bumping you into a fish to Bowser laying a fireball at your feet while you spin to Peach rolling over your coinless arse.

I am doing level design today, I need the incentive to be appropriately cruel and devious to players.

But still.
Wtf????

Me: ooooh I'm going to see @Jarm0u, I'll be able to see how I am doing in her eyes
Also me: *instantly proceeds to forget her switch at home*

For those of you wondering, she hasn't forced a SNES controller in my hand...

Yet.
She did force me to try out Worms tho.
Don't tell her I said that but I think I like SMK better

Is there anything more frustrating than watching a proplayer effortlessly destroy a 150cc gp track you're painfully trying to clear in 100cc?

Yes, many things, but I have trouble remembering them as I try to absorb all the tricks and witchcraft going on the screen.

(She still hasn't forced me to play, I softened her up with stickers for her future new PC)
I'll get the Special @Jarm0u SMK Coaching Session. But not tonight.

I am proud to announce that I escaped @Jarm0u unscathed (aka I didn't have to play SMK on antique hardware) AND I managed to integrate a few things I observed yesterday evening into my playing.

I AM NOW MUCH BETTER AT THE MOLE&WATER TRACK !
Sadly, I got worse at the ghost one.

I am going to be disowned by my Kartmom, but I do believe the visual cue for the boost start works.

(she only believes in the sound cue, but she explained the visual one to me and SORRY @Jarm0u BUT I LIKE IT BETTER)

(also I'm not stopping my bootyshakin' playlist for a boost)

The fact that I finished 1st on DP3 (THE ONE WITH THE MOLES AND WATER) on my first attempt while:
- on the train
- with my older sister
- who was telling me about her hospital aisle under covid and the results of years of politics to destroy the public hospital

Is a tad ironic.

WHY DO I FAIL SO MISERABLY WHEN FOCUSED BUT WIN WHILE JUGGLING MANY DISTRACTIONS???

More distraction, I guess.

AM I STILL BLOCKED BY THE SPECIAL CUP?
YES
IS IT BECAUSE THE RAINBOW ROAD OVERWHELMS ME?
ALSO YES
AM I GETTING INCREDIBLY MAD AT THIS TO THE POINT OF MAKING TINY NOISES OF ANGER ON THE REGULAR JUST THINKING ABOUT IT?
VERY VERY YES

My older sister called the controlers (in French "manettes") potholders ("maniques") and I want to say that is exactly how it feels when I play the Rainbow Road.