I don't know if I'm asking for help or just screaming in to the void, but I am just so frustrated with mental health, anxiety, and just all of it. Only threading to keep this organized.

I have been seeing a therapist for the past two months, with her cancelling a lot of our sessions. I don't dislike her. But I do feel ambivalent toward her. I find it very difficult to open up to her and a lot of times, we talk about one thing while my mind wants something else.

When I was in residential and PHP, I had great therapists. Before that, I had a therapist who seemed to take pleasure from tearing me down. I kept her b/c the idea of looking for another felt overwhelming. Inevitably, she did far more harm than good.

I would cry after our sessions because I felt so beaten down, but a part of me felt like maybe if I wasn't such a loser, she wouldn't have to give me the tough love she often said she was doing in our sessions. I eventually just ghosted her b/c I was in a program.

After program, I once again looked for a therapist. I have never been able to just shop around until I find one. It's always been based on money and insurance constraints, so I've never really had the chance to do a thorough search, because it's usually during a point of crisis.

so, I have a therapist who is a psychologist who says that she specializes in bio-psycho-social methods. I struggled with initial sessions because I'd been to program and had a rapport with therapists there. so I felt like it was all me needing to just open up.

In our sessions, I feel myself completely clammed up. I operate a lot on survival mode. It is very difficult for me to open up to her and I have tried. We talk about things out loud, but my brain is screaming that there is something else I want to talk about but don't know how.

When I do try to open up, she leads the sessions and I can hardly get a word in edgewise. Ioften feel lectured. I also feel like our conversations usually center around my feelings being inappropriate. Maybe that isn't the intent, but that's how I come out of session feeling.

Sunday's session had us talking about grief. I struggle with feeling as though actions and reactions need to be normal. She gave this exasperated sigh and was like 'You and your feelings of always needing something to be normal. Not this thought pattern again.'
I clammed up.

I have been told that some of the negative self-talk I do is bullshit, which I was fine with. But I also had rapport with that therapist, and could be like 'yeah girl, it's total bullshit. I know.' and it's still acknowledged that I'm a good person.
But this felt mean.

But when she gave that exasperated sigh, I felt like I was the problem. which led to 'wow, if the therapist, a person who gets paid, is sick of my feelings, how do the people who care about me feel? must no bother them. Engage isolation and anxiety mode.'

And I obviously stewed on that all day long until I found myself experiencing a horrible anxiety attack. That I didn't reach out to friends for because who wants to hear my repeated bullshit? And forgot every coping mechanism I had. It is all disheartening.

I don't reach out in general. People tell me I can, but I inevitably talk myself out of it because who wants to hear about this stuff anyway? So now, I have come to the realization that this therapist isn't for me, and y'all, I don't want to look for another one.

The thought is utterly exhausting and demoralizing. And then to have to start this entire process over again? It just does not feel worth it. Sorry this thread ot so long. Like I said, I'm screaming in to the void. But good god, this sucks.

I want to thank all of you for responding to this thread the other day. I haven't been able to reply because I have felt so overwhelmed and still have to do my day-to-day. Tomorrow, I'm calling to be removed from my therapist's schedule and I can't really think beyond that.