i’m reminiscing on bad tinder dates and i remembered this one guy i went on a date with and then three days later my grandpa died (not date’s fault) he texted me and i said i was unavailable cuz yanno… dead grandpa and his response was “that sucks” followed be “wyd” at 3am.

this other date that i went on that was so bad i ended it after and hour and felt bad (i was 20) so i texted a cursory “coffee was nice!” to which he sent me a paragraph on how i was clingy and he didn’t want to get married. three months later he invited me to a house party.

dating while fat in vancouver is traumatic. i’ve had a lot of shitty situationships with guys i’m friends with that i had painful big crushes on. some progressed into the messy more than friends zone but some never did.

there was a lot of unrequited feelings and i honestly think they turned me down because i’m fat. i don’t know if there’s a feeling quite like a crush not wanting to claim their feelings for you when you know they’re there.

and obviously there’s all the caveats of “no one is obligated to date me” and “no one is obligated to be attracted to me” and like yes 100% but you have no idea what it’s like to be a fat woman/femme person and have crushes be into you in private but public would never.

these people are also quite to date thin people on a moments notice. this shit stings.

it’s up there with platonic friends never hyping you like they hype their thin friends. i don’t think we really examine the ways in which fatphobia impacts the way we treat people, even the people we love.

it is absolutely crushing to claim people who in turn don’t claim you because they don’t find you desirable. this kind of trauma sticks with me still and i fear it still and experience it still.

this thread was rly spurred by one date i had where he tweeted the next day after we had hooked up he wanted to lobotomize himself.

these are traumas that sit with us and for the most part i’ve let them go but every now and then the insecurities they nurtured in me sprout like weeds through cracks in the cement.