We want to be heard but don’t want to listen. That’s why spouses fight, friends fall apart, and employees leave.

But if you wish to be a good partner, a good friend, a good manager, learning how to listen with purpose is indispensable.

A thread

The purpose of listening is to understand, not to respond.

Often what people *say* is different from what they *mean*.

Unless you are listening closely, the communication will break down. It starts with a tiny crack.

Few examples...

Simran: You never help me around in the house.

Raj: But I helped you just the day before yesterday.

Simran is expressing how she feels but Raj is countering her with logic.

When the speaker is heavy with emotions, acknowledge their state of mind. Let them know it’s okay.

Peter: I had the most hectic day. I’m dead tired.

MJ: I had back-to-back meetings all day. Tell you what, meetings are the worst.

MJ is hijacking the conversation instead of trying to understand Peter.

Ask people to elaborate their problems. They’ll feel heard.

Sally: My boss shouted at me in front of everyone. It was so humiliating. I almost cried.

Harry: Who is this boss? Is she the new one?

Harry’s question is completely irrelevant to Sally’s problem.

Ask supporting questions, not shifting questions.

We praise great orators and speakers but never good listeners.

That’s why we’ve raised a generation who can’t wait to speak.

Instead of trying to understand what people are saying, we jump to make our case on our turn—like a litigator.

Good listening is listening with intent.

A good listener clarifies uncertain points, paraphrases what is said, and asks to expand on certain points.

They look for cues in the body language and emotional state of others. They calibrate their responses accordingly.

When people are heavy with rage, frustration, or sadness, being logical doesn’t help.

When people are looking for solution, just being emotionally supportive doesn’t help.

Good listeners know the difference.

Good listening is non-judgemental listening.

When you listen without judgement people put their guards down and open up. They become more considerate and open to reason. Open to change.

Good listeners are master persuaders.

Listening is how we form meaningful relationships and connections.

Yet we rarely treat listening—like reading and talking—as a skill that requires knowledge and practice.

Let’s change that.

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