Big PTSD thread
This will be my personal experience with it.
I actually can't play my favorite era of video games because they trigger me, it sucks.
It's also really weird learning to live with triggers, they put me in such a hectic mental state if I don't get a flashback. 1/12 https://twitter.com/PhishCaek/status/1386686675636654087

What happened to me was I was bullied pretty bad in school. Beaten up, stripped naked, beaten more, had things stolen from me. It was bad, not like getting trash canned or stuffed in a locker like I was physically ruthlessly beaten for no reason other than I guess being nerdy.

What I would do to cope with that is play my Nintendo DS and now if I'm even handed a DS it will send me straight back to those moments. If I hear certain games or music it gets bad. Writing this currently is difficult because I'm flying close to those memories and hurting myself

Because I was beaten by people I didn't know on numerous occasions when I get triggered I start seeing people I don't know as hazards. If someone approaches me who isn't my friend I can only feel like they are there to attempt to beat me so I can get VERY defensive.

This also clashes with the fact I know deep down there is nothing to be afraid of which makes me feel bad for having such a response. Whenever I get triggered I go to war with my own brain trying to fight how it makes me act. This can make me appear to be disinterested or aloof

For me the process of getting triggered can take me anywhere from needing to remove myself from the area immediately because of flashbacks to sitting in a corner quietly for hours by myself convincing myself that it's okay. It also gives me physical symptoms like vomiting.

When I get triggered the stress and anxiety build to the point where I physically get sick. This is what made competition difficult for me because unless I'm friends with everyone in the venue I feel extremely compromised. I also have flashbacks and nightmares in my sleep.

So it's very common for me to wake up out of a flashback and get physically sick from them in the morning. This makes it hard to live, work, walk my dog. It just sucks!

PTSD is no joke, triggers are no joke. This is something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

Theres also so many doubts internally about it. For some reason I can never feel valid about this, even typing this thread has me thinking "nobody cares" and "people will use this against you or attack you with your triggers"
Completely unreasonable but it's all I can think about

Some days I kill it and it's like I don't even have PTSD anymore. Other days I'm so defeated by it I can't even bring myself to look my fiance in the eyes or function on a basic level. I never know for sure what kind of day it's going to be in advance which makes living hard.

I was going to therapy for it but holding down a job with the physical symptoms is difficult especially during covid where people get scared of me throwing up. Jiu jitsu also helps me as it gives me a sense of community, exercise and the confidence I'll be able to protect myself.

If you made it this far into the thread I want to thank you for reading! Typing this was extremely difficult but talking about it helps my feel valid. This is one of those things I've never been able to self validate, I've only ever seen it as weakness internally.