cw // hospitalization mention , doctor mention , surgery mention (stuff related to that subject)

a long irrelevant rant about my relationship with hospitals and doctors

i’ll just start off by saying i was born a sickly kid. i was born 3 months early and spent the rest of what would have been my natal development in the NICU (natal ICU) there they did a bunch of tests on me and i had heart surgery. point being i wasn’t healthy from the start.

my early childhood was fine i guess i had asthma, allergies, kid stuff i guess. i don’t remember much of my early childhood other than bits and pieces of elementary school and pre-k. most of which were bad because i was bullied relentlessly but yeah i guess things were fine.

as i was growing up my asthma got worse and i had to do a nebulizer often. it’s basically a humility machine with a little mask (kinda like an oxygen mask) hooked up to it and it helps your airways clear up when you’re sick or have asthma or pneumonia or something.

i had pneumonia as a kid but i was like 7 and don’t remember it that well. basically i wasn’t a healthy kid whatever. you might be wondering how this connects to hospitals but don’t worry i’ll get there.

so i come from a family of doctors. it’s cool and a well known fact about my family. all the women in my family were doctors too even when jewish people (women especially) could barely move up in the workplace at all let alone soviet russia. so i have a lineage to carry.

it’s fine. i really wanna be a doctor too (even though i doubt my abilities often) and i really wanna be a psychiatrist or a therapist of some sort. i’m used to doctors i’ve been around them my whole life BUT that doesn’t stop me from having HUGE anxiety regarding appointments.

it’s not really going to the appointment or setting up one or the hassle of getting ready for them or whatever but it’s really the fear of the unknown. the doctor themself doesn’t scare me it’s what they might find.

since i’ve been going to multiple doctors over the years for a large variety of issues i’m used to thinking to myself “okay this is a regular appointment but if they find something serious you just have to stay calm.” and i do stay calm, outwardly.

inwardly, not so much. i’m used to having tons of blood work taken, having medical students try their hand at figuring out what i’m there for the day for, sad receptionists, paperwork, nervous pacing, changing in and out of gowns, the works.

i’m also used to having doctors find something new that’s wrong with me which involves more tests, more appointments, more uncertainty, more fear, more annoyance, more lack of faith in that my body is working like it’s supposed to because it doesn’t and never will.

my body is flawed. i mean everyone’s is. i’m not cursed (or blessed) with anything terminal. most of my ailments are small things which really don’t harm me but the constant checking and scrutiny of these worthless ailments, damage me so much.

scoliosis is another story. having to go to the hospital So often for brace checkups, x-rays, bone measurements, literally anything. it really takes a toll. i never stayed in a hospital overnight and i never want to but this is the thing i went the most for.

i’m constantly thinking every time i have to go to the doctor, will they find something new? will i have to get more tests? more mris? what if it’s really serious this time and i need major surgery again? what if it’ll get worse with age? what if they can’t monitor it?

oh so the major surgery story. funny story. i went on a routine checking with my general doctor in the summer before school. it was a normal physical.

she feels my stomach as usual and asks if i’m pregnant. i say no way because i was 14 and a virgin (still am) and i’m gay and asexual now so that’s double impossible. she took me to get an ultrasound anyway and lo and behold there’s a giant cyst on my ovary about to pop.

it didn’t thankfully and they scheduled me for immediate surgery to get the fucker out. i laugh about it but man recovery was Brutal. i could barely walk for 2 weeks and sometimes i still get pain in the area but usually just fake pain my brain makes up.

hospitals are like comforting yet painful for me like they feel homely and comforting like i belong there but also so eerie and like something bad is always happening and you want to get out as soon as possible. that’s how i feel. anyway i’m so tired this thread is OVER.