god i hate uni so much why am i doing this to myself i dont think i can survive another 2 yrs.. i just want to draw and be happy

my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I no longer have personality, goals, anything. doing things that spark joy gives me the sense of “fuck i don’t deserve this feeling, the ceilings gonna cave in on me soon isn’t it”

since i was a kid my plan was to get a shitty degree, work a shitty corporate desk job for a high salary, make enough money to give to parents, then willingly pass away young a few yrs in. now that I think back on it maybe that wasn’t the healthiest mindset https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💀" title="Schädel" aria-label="Emoji: Schädel">

i never once considered art to be a viable career option bc of the shame accompanying the term “artist” in the family. so many relatives were shamed or threatened into pursuing careers their parents deemed more acceptable

every family gathering one aunt always mentions how proud she is that i still draw, and how she wanted to pursue art but wasnt allowed to, and is now too afraid to start drawing again nearly 20 yrs later. its heartbreaking and im fucking TERRIFIED I’ll wind up down that same path

overall lesson: work towards something you actually enjoy and consider your own happiness first or you’ll become stinky smooth brain deluxehttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="™️" title="Registered-Trade-Mark-Symbol" aria-label="Emoji: Registered-Trade-Mark-Symbol"> like me :)