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A couple of days thought is all Hajime gives to what happened between him and Tooru. The night and the couple of days following it, where everything felt the way it had before they had gone their separate ways, and the void that Hajime has felt since Tooru first left for
Argentina had disappeared.
For three days, it was gone completely, and then the moment Tooru was gone, it slithered its way right back to the surface, inky, and black, filling Hajime’s insides with nothingness.
Its reappearance confirms something that Hajime has been thinking
For three days, it was gone completely, and then the moment Tooru was gone, it slithered its way right back to the surface, inky, and black, filling Hajime’s insides with nothingness.
Its reappearance confirms something that Hajime has been thinking
about for a few months now. That only Tooru can fill that void. And yet, a couple of days thought is all Hajime gives the events that transpired between them.
A couple of days, before Hajime once again, feels completely overwhelmed by that void.
And maybe a week, before
A couple of days, before Hajime once again, feels completely overwhelmed by that void.
And maybe a week, before
Hajime finds himself going right back down the same path he’s been traversing since the school year started.
It starts with a meetup in a darkened corner of a party, a sophomore chemistry major named Garrett, with curly brown hair and large blue eyes. Continues with Hajime
It starts with a meetup in a darkened corner of a party, a sophomore chemistry major named Garrett, with curly brown hair and large blue eyes. Continues with Hajime
following Garrett back to his dorm room before the party ends.
A few more days, and Hajime starts spending more time at Garrett’s dorm. Meeting up with him in between classes, grabbing coffee. Dinner once. It’s all nice, but none of it feels quite right.
Garrett is nice
A few more days, and Hajime starts spending more time at Garrett’s dorm. Meeting up with him in between classes, grabbing coffee. Dinner once. It’s all nice, but none of it feels quite right.
Garrett is nice
enough, Hajime supposes, but he’s not Tooru. But maybe, Hajime thinks, he’s close enough. And more importantly, he's here.
Thursday night, they’re curled up in Hajime’s bed, Garrett has his hand underneath Hajime’s shirt, his hands are always really warm. Their feet are
Thursday night, they’re curled up in Hajime’s bed, Garrett has his hand underneath Hajime’s shirt, his hands are always really warm. Their feet are
intertwined and Garrett is kissing the hollow of Hajime’s clavicle, biting at is the more accurate word. More teeth, less lips.
It’s not the same as when Tooru kisses him there, light and teasing at first, slowly building his way up. Deliberately fluttering his eyes so that his
It’s not the same as when Tooru kisses him there, light and teasing at first, slowly building his way up. Deliberately fluttering his eyes so that his
eyelashes brush Hajime’s skin.
It’s funny, the sensation of Tooru’s eyelashes against his exposed skin makes him feel far more than anything that Garrett has done in the time they’ve been together.
Within a few days of their meeting, Hajime’s neck, chest and arms, and one of
It’s funny, the sensation of Tooru’s eyelashes against his exposed skin makes him feel far more than anything that Garrett has done in the time they’ve been together.
Within a few days of their meeting, Hajime’s neck, chest and arms, and one of
his hips all had marks on them. It’s a bit excessive, in Hajime’s opinion, but he makes no effort to hide them.
It’s nearly three in the morning, and Hajime at least, should have gone to bed hours ago. Garrett’s hand is on Hajime’s hip, thumb rubbing at his hip bone.
Suddenly
It’s nearly three in the morning, and Hajime at least, should have gone to bed hours ago. Garrett’s hand is on Hajime’s hip, thumb rubbing at his hip bone.
Suddenly
Garrett’s phone goes off, and he proclaims he has to go. He nips at Hajime’s collarbone one final time, kisses Hajime on the lips, and then he’s out the door.
Hajime sinks back into his bed, fingers touching the area where Garrett’s lips just were. He feels nothing.
Hajime sinks back into his bed, fingers touching the area where Garrett’s lips just were. He feels nothing.
A couple of minutes after Garrett leaves, Brad returns from the lab. Hajime asked him once, what he did in the physics lab until three, four in the morning and he didn’t understand a word of what Brad had said.
“Who’s that?” Brad asks, inclining his head towards the door. “
“Who’s that?” Brad asks, inclining his head towards the door. “
Thought you were giving more consideration to picking things back up with Tooru after what happened.”
“Garrett,” Hajime replies. “We’ve been hanging out the last week or so.”
Brad sits down on his bed, clearly waiting for Hajime to elaborate on the status of things.
“Garrett,” Hajime replies. “We’ve been hanging out the last week or so.”
Brad sits down on his bed, clearly waiting for Hajime to elaborate on the status of things.
“We talked about it, before he left. While it was nice, there’s not much we can do with him living in another country. We agreed that for now, we’d keep things as they’ve been.”
“Did Tooru really agree to that, or was that what you decided for him?” Brad folds his arms into his
“Did Tooru really agree to that, or was that what you decided for him?” Brad folds his arms into his
lap, leans forward.
Feeling himself grow defensive, Hajime sits upright, crosses his arms over his chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Did you actually discuss it, or did you just dictate what you wanted to happen and hoped that Tooru would go along with it?”
Hajime
Feeling himself grow defensive, Hajime sits upright, crosses his arms over his chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Did you actually discuss it, or did you just dictate what you wanted to happen and hoped that Tooru would go along with it?”
Hajime
doesn’t like the way it feels like Brads are boring their way into his soul, seeing how warped his insides have become, thanks to the void.
“He said he was fine with it.” Hajime shrugs, his eyes narrowing in warning.
“Was he really though, or did he just say that because he
“He said he was fine with it.” Hajime shrugs, his eyes narrowing in warning.
“Was he really though, or did he just say that because he
thought that was what you wanted to hear?”
“Was he really though, or did he just say that because he thought that was what you wanted to hear?”
Even though he knows Brad is uncannily perceptive to people’s moods and emotions, Hajime doesn’t like the way he’s managed to see
“Was he really though, or did he just say that because he thought that was what you wanted to hear?”
Even though he knows Brad is uncannily perceptive to people’s moods and emotions, Hajime doesn’t like the way he’s managed to see
through Tooru’s words and past the mask he puts on to hide his hurt.
What Hajime hates even more is that for once, he didn’t pick up on it.
No, that’s not it.
Hajime had known, when they woke up together after that kiss, that he should have cut it off there. But it felt so
What Hajime hates even more is that for once, he didn’t pick up on it.
No, that’s not it.
Hajime had known, when they woke up together after that kiss, that he should have cut it off there. But it felt so
good to be with Tooru again. To actually feel loved. He wanted to hang onto it, for the few days they had before Tooru left. And so rather than thinking about Tooru, Hajime put himself first.
He knows that had he asked, Tooru would have agreed to start dating long distance, and
He knows that had he asked, Tooru would have agreed to start dating long distance, and
for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
He saw the flicker of pain in Tooru’s eyes when he said “mistake”. Only there for a brief instant, and probably no one else would have picked up on it. Heard the strain in his voice when he agreed to what Hajime was saying,
He saw the flicker of pain in Tooru’s eyes when he said “mistake”. Only there for a brief instant, and probably no one else would have picked up on it. Heard the strain in his voice when he agreed to what Hajime was saying,
his words forced.
What’s truly sickening about this entire situation is that Hajime saw the pain in Tooru’s eyes, heard it in his voice, and for the first time in his life, he decided that he simply didn’t care.
Hajime is well aware of just how crushed Tooru was by his
What’s truly sickening about this entire situation is that Hajime saw the pain in Tooru’s eyes, heard it in his voice, and for the first time in his life, he decided that he simply didn’t care.
Hajime is well aware of just how crushed Tooru was by his
words, and just how much he was trying to prevent Hajime from seeing so. He’s aware too, that Brad knows how much he hurt Tooru. Brad knows after all, just how much Tooru loves Hajime.
“If that wasn’t what he wanted, he would have said so,” Hajime says, a biting tone to his
“If that wasn’t what he wanted, he would have said so,” Hajime says, a biting tone to his
words now, indicating that Brad best drop the subject.
He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. All he wants is for the void to go away and leave him alone.
Hajime knows that his words are false. Knows how much Tooru is still in love with him, because he’s still in love
He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. All he wants is for the void to go away and leave him alone.
Hajime knows that his words are false. Knows how much Tooru is still in love with him, because he’s still in love
with Tooru the same way. And because Tooru is still in love with him, he would agree with whatever he thought would make Hajime happiest.
Hajime feels sick, and he curls up on his side, hugging his arms across his chest. “He would have said,” he repeats, more firmly, this time,
Hajime feels sick, and he curls up on his side, hugging his arms across his chest. “He would have said,” he repeats, more firmly, this time,
and he’s unsure whether he’s trying to convince Brad or if he’s trying to convince himself.
It’s Tooru’s own fault, for not saying anything when he had the chance, some part of his brain whispers, and Hajime desperately wants to shut it out.
Brad regards him for a few
It’s Tooru’s own fault, for not saying anything when he had the chance, some part of his brain whispers, and Hajime desperately wants to shut it out.
Brad regards him for a few
moments, his eyes pensive. Then he sighs and shakes his head. Appears as if he’s going to press Hajime further on the matter but doesn’t. Shakes his head, utters a soft “bro.” Stands back up, quickly changes shirts and grabs his things, even though he’s only just come home.
“Whatever you say,” is all he says, his eyes locked on Hajime’s as he flicks off the light switch.
Hajime curls up further and watches as the light from the hallway becomes just a tiny sliver peeking through the gap between their door and the carpet.
Hajime curls up further and watches as the light from the hallway becomes just a tiny sliver peeking through the gap between their door and the carpet.
