A collection of diaries from a soldier in the 150th Ohio, Samuel Folsom, got auctioned off last week -- too rich for my blood, but the auctioneers posted excerpts online and, like so many from that era, he was articulate and personable, with a sense of humor. Let’s take a peek …

Folsom hailed from Cleveland, where he heard Frederick Douglass deliver a lecture on the missions of the war in early 1864. “I enjoyed it very much. Douglas displays very fine powers of oratory and has a head that looks as though it might contain a great deal of knowledge.” #Yep

Folsom was an accountant (deduct that kepi!) and despite Douglass’ stirring words, was NOT thrilled about marching off to war. “I telegraphed home to inquire if Father had procured a substitute for me,” meaning someone paid to take his place. “Rec’d an answer: ‘No.’”
#Bummer

In his short spell of service, Folsom didn’t participate in any real fighting. He was stationed in the Washington D.C. defenses, and when Jubal Early launched his attack on Fort Stevens, he was watching from afar at Fort Bunker Hill. But even that brush with danger was memorable.

“This morning heard very heavy firing of musketry & cannon,” Folsom writes. “Think Rebels have made a charge on Ft. Stevens. Was relieved from picket 8 a.m., found a good deal of excitement among the boys at the fort. They have slept side of the cannons for two nights.”

The week after, Folsom took part in the obligatory Tour Of The Battlefield And Hunt For Relics (it may seem distasteful or grisly to us, but Victorians had a strong curiosity about the dead and dying, and they LOVED souvenirs). But the Rebs were already buried in mass graves.

Folsom did picket duty at Postmaster Montgomery Blair’s place (if I’m there, we’re hiding that day’s mail as a prank) and was “furnished with all the milk we could drink.”

Mmm. Nothing better on a hot day. Hey, bartender, gimme a warm milk. And make it shaken--not pasteurized.

He attended a picnic thrown by some black folks, which can be trouble in a CW diary, but Folsom was uplifted: “They had dancing, with pretty good music. Had a good opertunity of judging the character of these people. I took strawberries at their tables for refreshments.” #Huzzah

But as nice as that moment is, the true measure of any Civil War diary is its McClellan jokes. And, folks, Folsom DELIVERS. Lemme set the scene: In 1864, now out of the army, McClellan ran against Lincoln for president on a traitor-y platform of making peace with the South …

… but while he was still in charge of the Army, one of McClellan’s most infamous and comical debacles (in a strong of infamous and comical debacles) was believing a bunch of log "cannons" (called Quaker guns) were REAL, which convinced him not to attack. #AndClausewitzWept

So on Election Eve in 1864, Folsom was back home and writes: “The Union party played a pretty good joke on the McClellanites. Last night they made a battery in the square & placed a Quaker gun pointing towards the square. Upon the battery was written Manassas.” #CivilWarHumor

Folsom also drew these sketches of forts and barracks; I hope the collection gets digitized, cuz it seems he had an eye for detail and a way with words, and he deserves more than an obscure Twitter thread. Still, it would be fun to tell him he’s getting likes on the bird app ...

“CWH, explain to me what ‘Twitter’ is.”
“Sure, Sam. It’s a nuance-free platform where ostensibly smart people let evil and dumb people dictate a bad-faith Discourse everyday, and then we wonder why we’re miserable.”
“Hmm. I can see how my Civil War diary might lighten the mood.”