CW: childhood trauma

I just had a realization about my childhood that hit me like a truck. My mom wished her whole life for a daughter, and from the time I was born in 1990 until my sister was adopted in 2007, nearly 17 years of my childhood, I heard constantly that she wished..

for a daughter-- as her firstborn child, who just so happened to be a girl, and I knew it deep down. I was raised in a belief system that taught me I would be abandoned for being who I am. So I had to live with hearing her wish for a girl with each new child, wishing that...

could be me, while also fearing that I would never be the son my parents wanted. Fearing they would find out what I am and I would be abandoned. And oh my God, it explains so much: my abandonment issues, my perfectionism, my people pleasing issues, why I've always felt...

traumatized my whole life and could never figure out why. My earliest memory is from when I was 3 when my parents left the house to go to the hospital for my brother's delivery. I remember worrying they weren't coming back for me, and I realize now it's because I worried...

maybe this would be the child that would make them realize I was broken. Maybe this would be the day I would be abandoned. And fuck...I can't believe I had to deal with that my whole fucking life. (end thread)