BREAKING NEWS:

TRAZDOR AND ALLEVRIAX ARE ON SALE AT THE WALMART DRUG STORE. THESE THINGS CURE THE CANCER AND THE DIABETES ... THEY CURE HEART DISEASE AND DEMENTIA ... THEY CURE THE SICKNESS OF THE SOUL THAT EATS AWAY AT YOUR INSIDES UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT SCAR TISSUE.

JEENGOZAR, FIRST LORD OF THE BUSTY WHORE CLAN, MADE HER DEBUT LAST NIGHT. SHE WAS CARRYING 2 9 MM GATLING GUN STYLE FIST GAUNTLETS ... BE REST ASSURED SHE'LL SHOVE ONE UP LORD DOOMAR'S BUTT HOLE WHEN THE TIME COMES, AND ALL SLAVE BEASTS ARE MADE INTO WINE WITCHES AND SCORN HAGS.

U'RTAR SANG SONGS OF BITTER WOODS. WHEN THE LAST DEAR WERE HUNTED, AND WE WERE LEFT ALONE IN THE DARK TO MAKE OUR EVENING GRUEL. HER SONG OF FOLK FROM THE WEST, WITH NEW ROCKET SHIPS, AND BETTER LASER CANNONS, ALWAYS MADE US HOPEFUL - FOR WE SOUGHT REVENGE, AND BLOOD PUDDING.

KENDRRIZ? - HE SHOOK THE WORLD WHEN WE WERE YOUNG. HE RODE THAT BIKE, WITH BASEBALL CARDS IN THE SPOKES, AND HE HAD THAT SWITCH BLADE AND TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE DOGS HE KILLED AND BURIED UNDER ANNA LINGSTROM'S HOME LAST SUMMMER? AND YOU DRANK YOUR SWILL WITH BETSY, AND SHE SMELLED.

PLASTIC ANGELS ARE THE DIRECTORS, AND OLD GHEY ROBOTS ARE THE BROKEN HARBINGERS. ALL OF THE SAND WEEVILS WILL GATHER AT GERALD'S SPRING, NOT FAR FROM WHERE THOSE OLD PEOPLE WERE BURNED LAST YEAR. AND THE ASHES OF BENZELROTH WILL COVER THE EARTH, AND TERRANCE WILL HAVE BOILS NOW.

I KNOW A SMOKER FROM VEGAS. HE COULDN'T SPEAK THE OLD TONGUE. HE CALLED OUT FOR DEAD WIVES AND PAST LIVES AND HIS MIND WAS CONNECTED TO OLD RUINS IN BOSTON. HE'D STABBED A PRIEST IN THE FAR EAST, AND LEFT THE BODY TO BE EATEN BY SKUNK-RATS. THIS, IN DUE TIME, SUCKS THE BODY DRY.

CHET? - HE KEPT YOUR DOG IN THE BACK HOUSE, WHILE YOU PAID HIM TO WATCH DINGO. POOR LITTLE DINGO STARVED, WHILE THE ROOF BATS WATCHED AND WAITED. CHET FOUND DINGO DEAD, TOOK DINGO TO A DNA/CLONING OUTFIT, AND REPLACED DEAD-DINGO. NOW YOU ARE THE CUCK OF HISTORY, THE GEAR CALLER.

TACOS ARE THE KEY. IF YOU COULD REPLACE ALL YOUR FOOD WITH STREET TACOS, YOUR STOOL WILL BECOME SOLID AND SLICK AND EACH TIME YOU DO NUMBER TWO, YOUR FLUID GAUGE WILL READ 'LIVELY' AND YOUR FRIENDS FROM DENVER WILL ASK FOR THE DRIED OUT SCAT, TO SMOKE. IT'S THE KEY: TACOS FOR ALL

I WAS CHASING ELVES NEAR PASCO WASHINGTON. A GROUP OF OLD INJUNS FOUND ME DYING IN A DITCH AND SO THEY TOOK ME TO THE OLD HAG CHARLOTTE MOON-PIE. SHE TOOK MY TEMPERATURE, PULLED RING-WORMS FROM MY ANUS, COUNTED THE PUDDLES. I WAS HUNG SIDEWAYS AND BEATEN WITH BOWLING PINS, BLOODY

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR WHOLE WORLD BY CHANNELING THE INFINITE LOVE JUICE OF GIB TELLERSON, THE GUY WHO SOLD MANGO-JET-FUEL TO SNOOP DOG BACK IN 1995 BOBLIMPTOCK. AND HIS CHALICE FLOWED, AND FLY GIRLS WERE TOSSED INTO THE CHIPPER OF HISTORY TO COME OUT HERPES INFECTED CALL GIRLS.

NEVER WERE THERE MORE BLUE-BRAINED MORONS THAN THE TIME OF CHIEF HAROLD. HIS LAST 3 SONS MARRIED 6 EVIL WOMEN, THOSE WOMEN HAD 34 WRETCHED CHILDREN. THOSE CHILDREN BECAME PHARMACEUTICAL SALES REPS, AND OXY DEALERS, AND HOOKER KINGS AND QUEENS. AND THE LAND LAY WASTE BEFORE BAAL.

AND IN THE LAST AGE, WHEN THE GODS ARE BURNT OUT, AND THE WITCHES HAVE LOST THEIR MAGIC, AND THE OLD HAG HAS BEEN EATEN BY HER CATS? THEN WE SHALL SEE THE GREAT GOLDEN WAVE OF POWER ENERGY FROM INDRUS-887B ... FROM THAT STAR COMES A GAMMA RAY BURST TO WASH AWAY YOUR WINTER SINS.

IN THAT TIME, MONKEYS WILL SELL YELLOW BREAD BY THE ROADSIDE. HORSES WILL EAT THEIR RIDERS, AND THEN THEY WILL BEGIN MINING BITCOIN. THE TEGRAN CLAN WILL HUNT WHALES NEAR PHOENIX, AND THE SUBMARINE WARS OF THE LESBIAN SECTORS WILL BE LIT AS HECK, AS FIRE CONSUMES THE BLACK POPE.