Educating a child about consent begins when that child is born.

#milkshakevideo #consent

If a baby screams when you do something to it, you react. You change the way you are holding it, touching it, feeding it. Maybe you stop shoving food into its mouth, for example.

This lesson continues in toddlerhood. If they scream when you wash their hair saying it hurts, don’t respond with “no it doesn’t” or “it’s just a bit of shampoo”. Honour their reaction, and stop.

If they laugh initially when being tickled or wrestled, but then show distress, stop immediately. Don’t say “but I thought you liked it” or “oh don’t get angry now you were having fun!” or “we’re only playing!”

School aged children are ready for more explicit instruction. If the swimming teacher goes to grab them and pull them into the pool and they balk, ask the teacher (in front of the child) to check first in future before touching them.

Don’t make them kiss grandma. Don’t make them sit on uncle Alfred’s knee. Don’t make them have playdates with kids who might be family friends but who your child doesn’t get along with. Don’t force them to hold hands lining up at school. Let them apply their own iodine cream.

Explain to them that they have to ask before touching other children’s bodies. If they grab another kid, pull another kid, wrestle another kid etc. teach them to check whether or not that child is okay with the game.

This doesn’t have to be hard or weird-

If you’re son is chasing someone at the park, go over and simply say “have you checked with Sam that he wants to be chased?”

And make sure you model this back to them yourself-

If your child is sitting on your lap and pulling hard on your hair or hitting your arm while you’re talking, don’t ignore them. Say “stop, that hurts and I don’t like it” and then put them down.

This way, by age ten you’ll already have a child who understands consent. They already know that they have to ask before touching someone else, and that people can’t touch them without asking. The conversation then just naturally extends to sex as you begin introducing the topic.

When you do start talking about things like kissing and sex, instead of asking your teenager who’s just got their first girlfriend- “have you kissed her yet?” ask- “have you ASKED HER whether she wants to kiss you?”

Talk about drugs & consent together. Explain plainly the dangers of getting it wrong- jail time/criminal record (perpetrator) and lifelong poor health (victim). For a child who already understands consent, this lesson won’t seem icky or weird: just a refresher on a new subject.

The responsibility for consent education falls to all of us. All of us should be looking out for violations of consent and speaking up about them, modelling good practice.

If you’re babysitting, then, rather than distracting a child with tv or a toy so you can change, just come right out and say, “I want some privacy now, please shut the door while I get changed.”

If you’re visiting your niece, don’t say “come here and give uncle a cuddle” say, “Hi Jenny! Can I give you a cuddle?”

If you’re a teacher away on camp and a kid won’t eat their dinner, don’t bribe them (you can have desert with the others if you finish) or threaten them (I’ll have to call your mother!)

Instead cover the food and tell them if they get hungry later it will be waiting for them.

Consent education isn’t mysterious. It doesn’t begin in high school. It’s not just about sex. It’s about bodies and who gets to do what with them and how. Don’t use threats, bribes, or minimisation. Don’t ignore violations of your own body (however small). Normalise checking.

If we start this work early enough, and all do it, small violations can be managed with small loving corrections. You can’t suddenly teach a sixteen-year-old who hasn’t internalised the idea of bodily integrity already about sexual consent. They won’t get it. Behaviour is habit.