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"I believe that the terrible thing about alcohol for writers is that it works, at first..." - @marykarrlit, in the jaw-dropping Ken Burns documentary on Ernest Hemingway. /1
As a teen I read Hemingway and he was everything I wanted to be--or at least the acclaim was everything I wanted to have. The fact that he took his own life seemed like a disconnected piece of information, immaterial. /2
When I was 27, I had written what I was convinced was the Great American Novel. I was engaged to a beautiful woman; I had degrees from two prestigious institutions; I lived in a fantastic condo in the best neighborhood in the best city in the country. I was miserable. /3
I wasn& #39;t consciously suicidal, but I wouldn& #39;t have minded not waking up. They& #39;ll publish the book when I& #39;m dead, I figured, and everyone& #39;s gonna love it. I& #39;ll be a great tragic genius, gone before his time. Why did I think that? I was an active alcoholic.
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Nothing--absolutely nothing--was good enough. Everything was poisoned by fear--fear that I wouldn& #39;t get the great things I thought I was due, and fear that what I did have would be taken from me.
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I wasn& #39;t an everyday drinker; usually one weekend night and maybe one weeknight. I thought I was just doing what everyone did. (And certainly every writer.) I didn& #39;t realize that those self-imposed limits--me trying to control it--were a sure sign it was out of control.
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16 years of uninterrupted sobriety later, I sometimes catch myself thinking: It wasn& #39;t that bad, was it? Well it wasn& #39;t that bad because, by the grace of God (and with the help of others) I stopped. And it WAS bad; I was an entitled, self-pitying, emotionally abusive prick. /7
Watching the Hemingway doc, I wept multiple times. Jails, institutions, or death--those are the three options available for alcoholics who don& #39;t get sober, and whatever else he accomplished in life, Hemingway hit two of the three. /8
"When it& #39;s all added up, Papa, it will be: & #39;He wrote a few good stories and had a fresh approach to reality, and he destroyed five persons...& #39;" Hemingway& #39;s OWN SON wrote those words. "Which do you think is more important, you self-centered $%^&? The stories, or the people?" /9
I know today that the people are more important; I only know that because the scales fell from my eyes, and others helped me realize the pain I had caused in the lives of my loved ones by living the other way. /10
Writing is important--but only to the extent that it helps others. If it helps them learn how to live well, or shows them the consequences of living poorly, or it brings them some joy. At its best, it helps us connect with living; at its worst, it& #39;s a substitute for living. /11
I& #39;ve interrupted this thread multiple times while writing it--to help my lovely wife fold towels, to drive my son over to pick up a friend. I don& #39;t deserve any fricking medals--THAT stuff is living, and it is its own reward. ANY writing is a wan little husk by comparison. /12
I only know that because others showed me. By the grace of God, I got that lesson; Hemingway, for whatever reason, did not. I know today that I& #39;m a luckier man than him. Writers, watch the doc...and if you still think success is the end-all, be-all, then God help you.
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