I was depressed a few years back and you know depression, it doesn't let you do anything. Simple tasks seem impossible. When I recovered - there's always been this fear of relapse. Whenever this hollowness takes me over I try to push myself to stay distracted, 1/n

work, do things as much as I can. Because the alternate is I've relapsed. So my mind would say don't brush, what's the point? And then my mind would go now you're fine you're not relapsing it's just sadness. And then I muster up all the energy to go brush. 2/n

And then I'd have plates cups lying in my room, and papers scattered and hairdryer lying around and everything in me would say just leave it why does it matter. And then my mind again goes nope you're fine you're not on verge of depression again or you're not depressed again 3/n

And then one by one I end up putting things back. I don't know what this mechanism is. Is it denial or is it a fight back mechanism - but that's just loaded in me now. Maybe I'm catching it before it is here or maybe it'll settle in before I know it's here. 4/n

But it's a thought that has been on my mind ever since I have recovered. And it's a cycle that's in my life every now and then. I think I'm just writing this down so maybe someone has the answer of when I see it in words I have the answer. 5/n

I do not know where this thread is going. But I'll just add this. It may seem to you that you're never going to get better. But with time and work and help it probably will. Don't just give up. There's going to be awful awful days. I know. I've been there for years.