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My life and future is really permanently ruined because of the adult mom / and the kids / lucy dacus tour from 2018.
so many people knew about it and said nothing. The anxiety i have now from all of that silencing is just too much to handle.
I just wanted to have a place in music. But everyone wants me to die because I'm not a popular victim and my abusers are too powerful. I'm not worth speaking up for.
Now I'm trapped in domestic violence and abuse, in complete isolation with no community, and I havent been able to go to shows in years. I dont even have good memories to get me through.
The only memories I have from the past 3.5 years are being destroyed by that tour. Isn't that sad? To them it's nothing. It's some "life changing" experience where they get to see the whole country and perform their art
But to me, it's the nail in the coffin ending my recovery from PTSD. It's the final straw of stress that's too much for me to cope with, because it symbolizes my permanent ostracism from DIY and music.
I dont care what people read me write. I have no career to protect. I have nothing. I am a person with no future. I live in abuse every single day, and all I have is feelings of shittiness over this tour and all the trans artists who supported my abusers over me.
The truth is they didn't care because they just wanted to see their friend go on a famous tour and why ruin it for some worthless nobody like me??? Why not just silence me, play shows with my abusers, act like my experience doesnt matter and crazify me?
I mean, it worked, lol. I am destroyed. My capacity is destroyed. All my work + analysis is for nothing. And they face no consequences for what they have done. They get to live the rest of their lives never giving a shit bc they are just lucky privileged people.
I could have healed and they stole my life from me. Because of them I couldnt go to any shows. I couldnt enjoy music. I couldnt meet people. I couldnt be an artist myself. They never accepted or included me, and always made me feel "different" without saying anything.
Just gaslighting, really. Play a show with my abuser and dont fucking say anything about it.
LOLOL you know what's so funny and weird??? The bassist from Adult Mom is from my town, and like a year before that tour they randomly messaged me on facebook asking me to recount my trauma for their "senior thesis"
And then when I worked up the energy to reply thinking they wanted to have an actual conversation and valued my time/energy, they were literally like, "oh it's due this week can you just type something up on safe spaces?" LOLOLOl like what the fuck!!! why is this my role in life?
SO MANY CONNECTIONS AND NO ONE GAVE A SHIT! I even contacted Luke, who was filling in on bass for And the Kids at the time. He said he was gonna call me so we could talk about what was going on. Never followed through.
"Hi i'm writing my senior thesis, i Know you're a mega super survivor with tons of trauma and dv experience, care to lend some free labor in exchange for literally nothing? Also I've never spoken to you before and in a year I'm gonna tour with your abusers :D"
I k now youre a mega super survivor with no life and your whole experience is just trauma so please a little treat for me some info on ~safe spaces~
https://twitter.com/sidewalkboss/status/1386173792553250817?s=20 Ppl will act like I'm weird for contacting folks but its like 100% normal for ppl to voyeuristically consume my trauma, message me stuff like that with no respect toward the energy / labor that I'm giving, not even engage me as a person.
Wish I got to have a senior thesis lol. been trying to get back to school for over five years, but cant even find safe housing, and couldnt even go to a show so i could network my way into safe housing (which is literally what everyone else does!)
Then when I was unable to supply them with the sufficient labor that they needed, that was it. lol. they had no "use" for me anymore, not a true interest in learning about safe spaces or survivor issues. So disrespectful and unkind.
Like actually manipulating me into thinking that someone gave a shit about this kind of stuff and then having me go through all these mental hoops to realize that I'm just being used and consumed for some ~senior thesis~
I dont eve caaaaareeeeeeeee. I live in this horrible environment trapped in the basement 24/7, have no hope for getting out have no future, yes I have a lot of different friends but no real community, no spaces, no group, no resources..... i literally dont care everyone
already thinks i'm crazy, hates me, wants me to die for "calling out their band" like it has ANY consequences to ANYONEEEEEEEE literally I have called out rapists and bands like Loone would still play with them. Its alla. fucking joke and I'm sick of being the one
who sees all the trans people's abuse apology and has to singularly carry the burden of responsibility and pain and trauma while they just appropriate abolitionist rhetoric and contribute to maintaining the dominant cis gendered abled power structure!
Lol called out this abuser one time. Loone wouldnt even drop a show with his band. Theyre like that hot shot Lupinewood ~trans sanctuary~ people in wmass. Theyre seen as like the MOST IMPORTANT trans people in diy lol. They would not drop a show w an abuser!
Two years later the same guy was outed as a rapist. I never received an apology from Loone for refusing to drop a show with a rapist. Nope. And no one will ever care! Theyre the special important trans people!
Loone is the most important trans band in DIY. They are superior to all other trans people and their trauma some how insulates them from any responsibility to creating a power structure on the ashes of another trans person's trauma. Its ok for them to play shows with rapists
bc they are Special and Important and can never Be Wrong or do Anything Wrong and they are Completelly 100% Perfect because they are the Chosen Special Important Trans People Who Deserve Safety While Others LIke Me Do Not.
And I'm evil for making this thread when everyone's silenced me for YEARS and I spend every single day in silence and fear and anxiety due to the burden of carrying all of this :)
Wish I could have spent these years playing shows. Going to shows. Organizing shows. Being a person. going out with my friends. I couldnt even go to shows with a friend when they would ask me because it'd always be at some abuser's house. So I'd have to just decline.
