as a married woman I keep reading that marriage has been shown to benefit men more than women

I’m gonna say it: yep. it’s true. because too many people are raised to expect that a wife will take care of their men and manage their homes and don’t know how to be *partners*

I’m gonna call out both sides and I’m gonna have a disclaimer that I’m bisexual, and if you’re going to read this as a “straight” relationship I’m gonna just add that I had the same issues with women because of how society tells me I’m supposed to be in a relationship

Society tells women to be nurturers. They tell us this so much that when women focus mainly on their career, goals, or aspirations, regardless of sexual orientation, we will often hear, “Whoa whoa whoa! What about your partner???? How does your SO figure into this?”

I have definitely heard this *more* in my marriage to a cishet man mainly because I was Very Deeply in the closet before, but I definitely heard a lot of, “Well what about X” in regards to my life plans and aspirations. If you’re a single woman, you will hear a form of this

If you’re a single woman and you have a very good job that makes you seem like a boss bitch (ayyyyy get it!), people will immediately worry about your romantic prospects. Are you TOO successful to the point of intimidation? Are you successful in a male-dominated field???

So then comes the time you welcome a partner into your life or start dating. There is an immediate pressure, especially if you’re dating a man, to somehow accommodate your partner in a more traditionally nurturing or caretaking position. The less you do this, the less attractive

you are. Women who are successful have to then take very good care of their appearance in order to be deemed attractive by society; a successful woman who is overweight or doesn’t wear makeup or isn’t very fashion-focused will have immense pressure to become attractive OR ELSE

If a woman is too successful on her own- academically, creatively, even has too many awesome hobbies- she will always be encouraged to dial that back a bit in some way. Maybe at work, maybe by family, or even strangers. Because being “intimidating” by living a full life is NOPE

Meanwhile, men are pressured to perform well in their jobs and earn enough money to be financially secure or else they have no worth. They are still largely expected to be the main breadwinner or else they’re a loser in society. The higher the pay, the better the man

But what about life skills like taking care of the home? Or cooking? Some men do learn these skills but there is still a societal expectation that once a man has a wife (I can’t speak for m/m relationships), the wife will handle the more nurturing aspects of the home

Some women want to be homemakers. That’s great! I love cooking so I totally get it. But some women can’t handle acting as BOTH housewife and their own careers, dreams, etc. And a lot of women are pressured by society that if you’re not being a caretaker, you’re a failure

My husband and I try our best to unlearn these things. We observe other couples and see how much they don’t support each other. And it’s very difficult to unlearn things that supposedly we’re SUPPOSED to want from our partners because society said so

It’s difficult for me to not feel guilty when I focus on my goals a lot. My husband wants me to be successful in my life, and he cheers me on so much, but I feel extremely guilty, like I’m supposed to be more of a housewife than I am. Societal pressure is SO HARD to unlearn

It’s extremely difficult to be able to analyze yourself and ask, “How much of this is genuinely what *I* want and what my HUSBAND wants and how much of it is societal bullshit that we need to unlearn?” We’re CONSTANTLY checking ourselves and each other