Today is rough. On a theoretical level. I've got work to do. That I don't. Also trying to figure out whether I should attempt to try to tweet as...well...yeah, I can't even type ot out...well...you know, not this sulkingly tragic, cripplingly depressed and...scarce...

But I feel like coming out after a redemption tour. In regards to this I'm waiting for something that will never come. Not the only hindrance but the one stressing me out the most. There's no way around it, no way through. The only way is to turn a blind eye to it but ooof...

It feels just wrong. Of course, luckily it's not the only thing and won't make a difference in the grand scheme (as in if I could cope with that other things would still be in my way) so I won't have to worry coping with the inevitable ignorance, so to speak.

A certain amount of ignorance will be necessary. But just in terms of it not holding me back forever. Main effort will still be trying to do better. Though that will probably entail being silent more actively at times. Thanks I hate it. But it can't be helped.

Either way I'm not there yet. Or anywehre. Beig somewhere would be nice. Sure I am "somewhere", this particular somewhere being in some off desert nobody's ever heard of though. I know I'm way ahead of LOADS of people, obviously that's not enough though.

Not objectively, absolutely not by my standards. Irony being that my messed up act only led me to this bc I fucked up big time despite my oh so precious high standards because I'm great like that. Yippee.

Ooof...I mean, seriously...OOOF...

Aaaaaaaand there's the guilt and doubt right on time for the PAAAAAARTYYYYY! Because now I feel like giving away the expression of it only being performative and I'm totally definitely absolutely fine and not conscious about it.

Aaaaand now I feel bad because I'm coping with it through humour. Not sure if this is the typical gallows humour laughter or laughing *at* myself.

I need a pee break.

Dear brain, WE DON'T HIT SEND ON SOMETHING THAT'S NOT DONE *AND* PASSED NO CHECKS...

Is it obvious I started this thread going for some positivity? Yeah, didn't think so.

Honestly not sure what the trajectory should've been anymore either. But I assure you there is something positive buried under all this bupkis...

I should really learn more Yiddish, not just for snappy sentences/moments. Also should learn more Spanish. And sign language/s (which I sadly known next to literally nothing). And all the other languages and things I want to learn.

I mean, this is positive right? Talking about fun things one would want to do? Not sure this was the goal but well here it is now.

Well better call it quits. Gonna shower, get drunk on multivitamin juice and eat pie.