Me and drag mum are hungoverly bingewatching all three extended LOTR films today so expect me to tweet takes over the next 12 hours.

fuck I love these films

Bilbo's 'I feel thin like butter spread over too much bread' is a feeling I have echo'f verbatim for 10 years of academia and it hits harder every time I get older.

a bitch DO BE NEEDING a long holiday

Bilbo's 111th birthday shindig remains still my ultimate wedding goals as far as concepting be mood board. Right down to everyone participating in a mass panic at a drag(on) invasion scare.

Bilbo is THE Ultimate Dramatic Gay Uncle archetype and the older I get the more I wish to be him. Alas, drag mother will end up as Bilbo (homey) and I Gandalf (unwashed wondering vagrant who drops in the cause trouble) I expect

Gandalf pouring over the archives in Minas Tirith is exactly the aesthetic I embodied during my undergrad research project across the libraries of Cambridge and it still to this day landed me my best publication

'is it secret?! Is it SAFE?!' me to me circa 12 years of age about my gay porn collection

'hobbits really are amazing creatures' Gandalf to Frodo and Me to my Undergrads after asking them to undertake an unreasonable task

Serious point from drag mum: by having entirely removed from pop culture costuming and hairstyles, these films have aged so much better than if they had learnt on at the contemporary inspirations

'we do not know who else may be watching' - the everwise @LeeshaHannigan before smearing quiche over her laptop webcam in an emergency situation

Scientific conferences would be much more fun if academic debates were settled via wizard duel of the old profs in the style of Gandalf vs Saruman

fuck I miss pubs

Hobbits and Gandalf once again embodying the student-PI relationship when turning up nervously to a meeting that the prof arranged but who is now entirely, utterly absent

Aragorn's ploy to leave decoys out to trick the nazgul -> me leaving a decoy set of reagents in the lab when people try and steel my solutions so I can protect my true stocks

Aragorn is the weathered postdoc taking students on their first field course after the Prof (Gandalf) a
arranged it but avoided the responsibility and they (postdoc aragorn) are forced to shoulder the burden

The second breakfast line is me about coffee this hangover morning. An eternally useful sentiment

Goblinoid orcs seem like great field tech staff tbh where do I employ some from

Incidentally, 'weather top' is me when I drive through hurricane weather to fuck some man, and in parallel to the film some emo twink also gets skewered in the dark

The way Aragorn wields the torch in this fight is the sole reason I insist on running sword/torch as a weapon set on my mesmer in Guild Wars 2 (cc @angeladyart )

Ever single moth I have ever caught to ID and release as part of field entomology I have whispered to in my hand like I am in fact Gandalf atop Orthanc

The birth of the Uruk-hai remains the most accurate depiction of how I feel waking up every morning.

Meanwhile, Frodo threatening to transform into a wraith is me when hungover also

There's something cerebral and religious about the idea of that which is causing Frodo to be nearly-dead also allowing him to see the glorious divine light of a powerful, godlike elf (Arwen) for the first and only time (once healed, he cannot without using the ring)

Arwen invoking her father and Gandalf to send flood waters to just WRECK THE SHIT of these nazgul will give me goosebumps every time for the whole rest of my life

Bilbo seeming to age a whole century in the process of finishing his book is EXTREMELY relatable to anyone who has writing they need to do

Cinematic shots of men grasping sword hilts makes me bite my lip in a way that nearly nothing else does

Sub top Aragorn interacting with dom btm Arwen is such a vibe every time and every scene. Exceptionally done tbh.

Gimli breaking his equioment and being sent flying backwards across the room is me every time I think I can just wing it with a new protocol in the lab

Liv Tyler's Arwen is such a inspiration for some of my looks. Pre-teen me desperately thought my feelings seeing her might be heterosexual attraction but it was actually just gay goal setting

Adolescence is having a crush on pretty boy Legolas. Adulthood is lusting after handsome Aragorn. But maturity? That is wanting to marry the ultimate husband material that is Sam Gamgee

^^ my most important take of these films tbh

Gandalf losing his shit at the Hobbits trying to get the doors to Moria open because hes forgotten how to work it is again, PEAK student-Prof

I am always intrigued by the watcher in the water and what it might or might not be. There are compelling arguments it might be some degenerate cold drake, which would make it a dragon? For more info on that, please see this video from the archives lmao https://twitter.com/BeesAndBaking/status/1339361489988272137?s=19

I don't think ANYONE who has DM'd D&D or similarly can deny that the Moria sequence is the best party adventure chapter you can envisage. Literally defined the goal setting for a perfect dungeon arc.

'I have no memory of this place' me when friends take me to a bar I have apparently been to plenty of times but only when utterly shitfaced

Gandalf revealing Dwarrowdelf to this section of the soundtrack is in my top 5 cinematographic scenes from these films

In the books, Gandalf has what is the closest to a spell-slinging witch fight Tolkien ever gives us in detail against the drum beater during the persuit through Dwarrowdelf and out of Moria and I will never forgive Jackson for not including it (he redeems himself with the Balrog)

The fight in Balin's tomb is one of the best portrayels of the chaos of team based melee combat I still have ever seen (larpers know what I'm talking about lmao)

RE: a cast iron skillet. Sam Gamgee walked so Flint Ryder could run.

Frodo's dramatic bitch moment at being speared is 100% what I will be like if I ever bttm again

Jackson's Balrog is a fucking TRIUMPH and I will not suffer a word against it. The lore context here if Galdalf fighting one of his contemporaries who e tested their deities good shit

ALSO gifting us the ULTIMATE Galdalf is a professor line: 'you shall not pass'. Iconic

Fuck me the pacing in these films is just such a triumph

I could pen thrity tweets about Galadriel and not have said a tenth of what I think about the character and portrayel but let it be on record that she might be my favourite of everything Tolkien ever conceived, and that Cate Blanchett can do no wrong.

The bare arse naked, muscled, slimy Uruk-hai scene is far more erotic for me than I would necessarily desire but hey-ho.

Sam scolding Frodo about food and sleep is the purest expression of love and as I grow older I become more furious at Frodo's UNAPPRECIATION of it

The big statues have such 'drag queens not letting in dickheads at the bar' energy. Standing a billion feet tall and hand out like 'nah, cunt'

'aNd YoU wIlL bEG for DEATH befOrE ThE eNd' me unhinged speaking to anyone doing a PhD

My personal theory is that Arwen gifting the evenstar to Aragorn and sacrificing her immortality for him was a DEEP spellcasting that protected Aragorn from temptation and gave him the strength to be king without corrupting himself etc etc

Get you a healer main gf who will sacrifice her divinity to buff you for your adventure

Normalise forehead kisses between bros

Frodo pulling Sam out of the water knowing that his parents died drowned in a river otp

Yeeting a corpse over a waterfall is an UNDERVALUED funeral idea tbqh

Gandalf may have been forbidden from directly challenging Sauron in battle but he saw that Balrog and was very much like 'I've been itching to fuck up some of my wayward siblings after that shit Saruman pulled' and proceeded to DO SO

I too would like to plunge my rivals I to an underground lake to reduce them to a dark creature of slime and ash before a three day battle through tunnels and up peaks where I emerge by smiting their ruin upon the mountainside*

* The vibe in my reading groups with some the shit that gets published in my field

Every eldest child at some point understood that gollum perfectly encapsulates what younger siblings behave like and that sentiment has never left me

'pits, pits, pits' - Gollum on Mordor, and me when I'm feeling kinky

"what is it? what do you smell?

MANFLESH"

same vibe

Saruman's soliloquy that finishes with 'and the union of the two towers' - FULLY ME starting a new collab with a professor at another institution

Rohan would be my favourite place in middle earth because every handsome man there knows how to ride

(it's also just my favourite sort of landscape and has the best hematic music in the trilogy to my ear)

Grima is the original incel

'they are NOT for eating' - me upon arrival when I wear my good jeans to the club

'looks like meat is back on the menu boys' - me at the same club but several drinks later

The wide shot of fangorn forest is paired with the Dwarrowdelf shot as a favourite cinematic pan of these films. Fucking amazing composition and sense of scale

Now that the fel-beasts are on screen flitting about with nazgul on their backs, I refer to the video I linked way up the thread about whether or not they are dragons by way of 'cold drakes'

I am also requesting an opinion from dragon afficionado @KamikaziTeddy on their design

Gandalf back in his new clothes like 'sup back from my sabbatical how's the lab group been in my absence'

As a nerdy lore fact, iirc the only two people recorded as having faced and defeated a Balrog both died slating the thing and were resurrected (Gandalf and Glorfindel if I'm not mistaken. I think someone in Children of Hurin did but wasn't successful?)

'tree infested' is a term I borrowed from Gimli and use still all the time to describe places like Appalachia

Pippin and Merry with this ent water whilst plugging their favourite botanicals are like, the original clean-living influencers

The way treebeard handles merry and pippin is /exactly/ the same as how I handled my pet rats and ferrets

Little known fact: Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Gandalf actually piloted the first Queer Eye episode when they arrived at Edoras to makeover Theoden

That Eowyn's song at the funeral of Theodred was cut for the theatre release was a cinematic tragedy.

Theoden having to head a committee meeting whilst hungover as fuck from that spell is a MOOD

Aragorn is at his most powerful when channelling his horse girl tendencies and this should surprise absolutely no-one who knows anything of the world

Blame our ancestors for much the world not having a mumakil equivalent still gallumphing around RIP mammoths you are missed

Gimli talking about dwarf women having fu beards and deep vices paired with his soon to be boyfriend Legolas repping that femmeboy look? No-one can ever tell me me these films arent queer inspiration

Drag mother laughing at me for the gravity with which I turned to him and very seriously stated I would pay excessive money for a good pair of prosthetic elf ears to wear out

Eowyn looks constantly exhausted and that's that on being the only roundly competent person in the whole of the second film tbqh

Sis, I feel you

Do we think Aragorn knows Arwen placed such a kickarse potent protection spell on him or is he too arrogantly masculine to realise he is not just supremely talented

f u c k Elrond's prophecy to Arwen remains one of my favourite sequences in these films and broadly in cinema ever. Absolutely hollowing writing, delivery, and production

It's a good job they cast Faramir to be this handsome because he's an annoying little shit otherwise until Eowyn enthralls him for his betterment (the houses of healing sequence in that vein is beautifully well montaged)

Fun fact: Viggo invented OnlyFans when he got paid to bareback ride across New Zealand as Aragon in two towers

I honestly think the guy that plays Theoden (who originally auditioned for Gandalf iirc) does the best acting in the whole film series. Fucking excellent portrayal.

I now know enough fantasy artists to say with confidence that whoever concepted and designed the ents for this film must have got their *rocks off* with that assignment

just free-flow jizzin'/creamin' the whole time

Gimli trying on the human chainmail is me every time I try on one of my drag mum's dresses.

someone recently said something about people running on 'ent time' and it's my new favourite term

We have an evening thunderstorm rolling in irl right for the battle of helm's deep WHAT A VIBE

The Last March of the Ents is also a contender for one of my absolute favourite moments. The idea of accepting their death despite being the most ancient beings on middle earth as they cannot live with the choice of not taking a stand against the desecration of the land? Powerful

Similar tone if different circumstance acceptance of 'The Last Sounding in the Deep of the Horn of Helm Hammerhand'

Merry and Pippin finding the weed and food room in Isengard remains the most enviable part of the whole trilogy

Gollum is demonstration that there is more to skincare than just preventing sun damage

They should just put a picture of Christopher Lee on the Wikipedia page for 'charisma'

Gandalf's permanent exasperation with Pippin has TRUE queer elder energy having to coach the baby gays through life

'childless lords musing on heraldry, or in cold high towers asking questions at the stars' is a line that actually guides me in trying to be a grounded and pragmatic academic and is very near to my heart to be honest.

big spood

(that's it that's the tweet)

ancient bitchy twinks bullying the nice young cub WHATS NEW hmm. Third Age Problems still relevant

Eowyn: Queen of Standing Statuesque in the Breeze Staring into the Morning Light, about to show us some boss bitch moves

'Elves do not fear the ghosts of men.' is a great line from the books that didn't make it into the film's purely I believe because Bloomy-boi couldn't carry the heft of it

'You will suffer me.' is a line I have used to great effect when dealing with employer problems

Jackson's extreme deviation from the absolutely exceptional entry of the Witch King into Minas Tirith and his face-off with Gandalf if the single greatest sin in this trilogy. Arguably my favourite part of the books and he butchered it

Charge of Rohirrim >>>>>

Imagine being a soldier in ancient Europe or whatever in antiquity and encountering a war elephant in battle. Just shit yersen there and then tbh they had full armour and everything for the beasts

12 year old me definitely remembers a very serious amount of arousal at seeing Frodo naked and tied up when he's being held captive by the orcs

28 year old me still thinks it's pretty hot tbh once Sam arrives to save him

Me and drag mum are moving to a new place in August and we have resolved to get long pipes to smoke on the porch after seeing how cool they look on this trilogy tbh

Sam and Frodo marching with the orc horde - accidentally walking into the wrong class or conference session and being too embarrassed to leave so you just wing it

Anyone who has worn heels for a whole Pride march and drag show knows exactly what Frodo feels like wearing the ring around his neck until it rubs his skin to bleeding

Apparently Sam trying to get Frodo up Mt. Doom is a perfect re-enactment of trying to get me home at the end of a night out, according to drag mum

poor oral health is a capital offense tbh I agree

Also big S like 'ffs did my Lieutenant just get beheaded shit what did I miss whilst I was trying to see what is under that rock' is big field entomologist vibes

'Smeagol lied' is the ultimate bitch line. what won't these twinks do to play with their ring smdh

Everyone needs to understand that the eagles are best understood as angels and any commentary on them that doesnt include that can get quite the fuck away from me

I'm at 5% battery but the ring is in the hurt juice so I think we'll make it to the end together

Sauron loses one piece of jewellery and totally ends his shit like who tf does he think he is? Kim Kardashian? There's people that are dying.

Frodo reuniting with the fellowship is fully me and the girls and the gays once the pandemic is truly under control. All piling on bedroom. Platonic smooches.

More men need to wear fashion crowns and headbands tbh shit is hot as hell and I am TIRED of doing all the work MYSELF on that front

Fucking love me a waistcoat based look too catch that as the dress code for my wedding should I ever find a Sam to marry

Bruh for the second time I MISS PUBS

Also to his credit my drag mother's place is exactly like a hobbit hole in every regard so it's rather nice watching those scenes here

Fuck I also miss the ocean. If I ever get to choose, living on the coast again is a massive goals. The sea calls us home indeed.

'Not all years are an evil' is also an extremely meaningful line to me and so well delivered

Frodo concealing his intentions for until the last second for maximum possible drama. Iconic gay behaviour.

More forehead kisses this one to signal 'we'll fuck again in heaven once you've raised your babies' which is, I think we'll all agree, a beautiful parting sentiment

And we done! Hope y'all found this half as fun as I had tweeting it x