A thread about #Grief.

Disclaimer: I've no formal training in psychology/psychiatry. This is my very personal take. So feel free to take whatever you want, and leave whatever you don't want. 1/2

Earlier this month I faced grief for the first time in a very personal sense when I lost my father to #COVID19. I was close to my grandparents, but it was different with them. And all other deaths I've had to mourn were not as directly impacting as my father's. 2/

I had read some of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Notes on Grief, last year when it came out in The Newyorker. Would highly recommend reading it (although I've not finished it, but plan to)
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/personal-history/notes-on-grief 3/

I thought that grief would be an overbearing, all-encompassing emotion, clouding everything I did. But it's anything but. It comes and goes, with no apparent rhyme or rhythm. It's its periodic absence that makes you nervous. Because, you know it will come back, unannounced. 4/

In this time when most of us are affected by death --either directly in the family, or in friend's families, or neighbours -- we should talk about grieving. We've normalized the privatization of grief. But when tragedy is public, I think it's okay to talk about your grief. 5/

Of course, it's not mandatory. But just remember that it's not mandatory to grieve in a corner. Not now. Not anymore. Let's talk about grief. Let's destigmatize the co-existence of joy and grief. 6/

Yes, they don't have to be exclusive. To survive grief, you need bouts of joy. Like you come up for oxygen while swimming. It's okay to laugh. It's okay to sing. It's okay to dance, even (although I can't dance to save my life). /7

Sure, be mindful of the grief of others around you -- because while you are experiencing a moment without it doesn't mean your loved ones around you aren't at that very moment braving their most difficult low. /8

But just because grief has a long shelf life does not mean you need to feel guilty of moments of pure joy. It's okay to feel it, even if privately, as deference to those around you. 9/

And yes, there is no timeline for grief. It's never "too long" to grieve, or "too short". It's your grief. You decide when it's finally over. Not others. Not even your near and dear ones. Be sensitive to their calendars of grief, but it's okay to have your own too. 10/

There is no right way to grieve. Everyone will have an opinion. Someone will tell you to take time off. Someone will tell you to go back to work when you're not ready. Someone will tell you to be with people. Someone will tell you to find solitude. 11/

Some of it will work for someone, while its exact opposite may work for you. Try the conflicting opinions in small doses. See what works for you. Keep doing more of it. Till it doesn't. 12/

Grief has its triggers. Someone close to you will call and ask you "how are you", and you will choke and words won't come out. While someone else's questions will just make you feel like you're listening to a conversation between other people. 13/

It's okay to feel irritated. The hardest part of grieving could be reliving the painful memories for the benefit of others -- especially those others that you feel have no right to them. But remember they have cared. They've cared to reach out. It is not easy for them either. 14/

Most of us have not been taught to have those conversations, and people try to play by the ear, and say what they feel is right; or even say something without thinking, only to realize a moment later that it's not right. It's okay. We've been there too. 15/

Grief as it subsides leaves behind an emptiness. You can't really fill it up with distractions -- like work, or routine. Not right away, at least. It's okay to acknowledge it. Acknowledge that you're not able to be as productive, as focused, as motivated ... 16/

We're not super-humans. So forgive yourself for not being the best of you. You will be again, eventually. In the meantime, you'll have to just claw your way out of the ditch. And celebrate small victories. For the religious-minded, there are rituals to help with grieving. 17/

But for atheist and agnostics, sometimes we have to reinvent the wheel. It may sound contradictory to what I said before, but routine may indeed work, once you've passed some stage of guilt. 18/

Sometimes you'll find that talking about things with people who are not directly affected (but only through you) helps, because you can indeed burden them the way can't burden someone who is directly affected. Find that someone. 19/

And of course, it's okay to cry. It's okay to sob. Let it out of your system -- in public or in private, wherever you feel comfortable. But to repeat, it's also okay to smile, to reread your favorite book, to cook your fav soul food, to watch a romcom, to play peppy song 20/

Your grief is yours, not society's. Don't let society decide what you can/can't do. You have to live with it, and you get to decide how you fight it. Be true to your conscience. Be mindful. Be kind to yourself. But be free of external expectations of grief. You're the boss. END/

Thanks for reading, liking, commenting, RTs/QTs, messaging. Didn't expect to reach / resonate with so many people.

I found this thread through one of the readers @MrunmayiA, and thought everyone should read it. https://twitter.com/RachelBrougham/status/1380864150352486404