2nd dose fever rn kicking my ass and I know I will delete this in the morning but I'm doing it: I'm making the internet listen to my problems. (cw : old old old partner drama, SA)

(It has been 3 weeks since my final interview for an internship I very much wanted and have not heard back about. I'm feeling sensitive

I have not been on a date in a very long time. Factually, I'm pretty sure the things an old partner said about me were not true/were exaggerations. I was often a bad partner but I know in my heart that it is not controlling or abusive to feel bad that after years I...

Had not met any of her friends outside of a handful of times. (and screw it, also kinda transphobic. "girls night Yada Yada) couples who live together often spend holidays together, and it is not controlling or abusive to want to. I get all that.

But here's the brain worm : shitty ppl don't think their shitty. Like ever. They feel totally justified in their actions. I'm sure if you asked her I would not look good either, we fought a lot

So it is completely impossible to actually know what kind of person I was or am. So if I am deluding myself and she was true when she said those things, it would not be fair to date anyone ever again. Dramatic but a net positive.

My subconscious does not remember what she looks like in any detail, but I can pull up every word she said crystal clear. I also said things I did not mean and hope she is not the same

Whenever one of these sentences bubbles up it is a days long affair digging up memories and whatever solid proof I can that that was not a true statement. It is not controlling to not want to hear about all of things she was sacrificing to spend time with me

It is not abusive to ask "please dont call it a sacrifice" But still, of course I look good in what I remember and she does not. I am not unbiased. Every abuser on earth has told themselves that they are not.

So I do not date. Just in case. There is a comic of a therapist telling someone they are not a horrible person, and the person thinks "oh no, I have tricked them too." I think a lot of our mutual behaviors cemented themselves when we were in college

We were a few hours apart, we were in love but trying not to miss out on "College". Some things happened to me that I did not ever tell her for years (and when I did was in a very bad way) but she knew I was not very fun to talk to. Of course I should have said something

"do not text me if you are going to be a downer" is both completely not her fault (she was protecting herself from sticking around too long in a relationship since high school) but also very much informed my ability to discuss what happened to me for years

We dated for several years after this, but I think this was the moment our behaviors took shape, and we never examined them again.

It is true that a mentally ill partner can use that to control or demean. I did not want to act that way, so I believed her when she told me I was. In retrospect the things I wanted were very normal things to want. But just in case

It turns out is boring and exhausting when you've convinced your partner not trust anything they feel, so eventually she got sick of me.

When we split everyone rushed to tell me that they think she is very cool and they will pick sides. I did not ask them to. The kind of person who elicits that from ppl does not say the things she said dishonestly, so just in case.

And I have improved a lot. I am a much better person than I was, but just in case. What if this is all the self defense of a hurtful person. No way to know for sure

Sorry for saying these things and I hope you do not have to read them