i’ve always thought, vaguely, that my long game was to become a very expensive courtesan https://twitter.com/elysiansunset/status/1380312507613581314

like, this bed would be where i’d look upon you tenderly, and speak truths about you that you haven’t yet dared to own, and then i’d write a short story about you and send it to you by mail, with a carefully selected stamp, w/ an orchid of personalised variety

i think, i prefer to see people that way. i don’t think it’s about... pedestalling? it’s more like, I want to show you your unique luminosities, and I want you to know that I see them!

i think it’s also not that i’m always right (some people are truly so gifted at piercing!), but i’m devoted to understanding you, i’m devoted to the image of you, devoted to the process of making together, and asking questions because i want to see you clearly.

i think it’s not really that I ... see people just as their luminosity, but I think I’m also committed to the process of seeing them for their weakness, and feeling tender for that. i’m committed to being patient with that, allowing people to show themselves.

it’s important for us to be known. my ex partner once said this to me, and i remember the way i fell apart

[honestly! i was loved! he really did try his best to love me! wow, emotional now. too bad it didn’t work out]

<3....... wow it felt nice to be in love. every moment felt so momentous. growing up together was tough.

I actually wrote about him so much, he was ... my muse LMAO

Honestly, wow, I was just so in love with him. What a trip. You never stop loving the people you love, and I think each time I remember the way I lived the moments we lived together, I feel once again like I’m still the same person, capable of being foolish like this again

we got together after being friends for 2 years because i simply evaluated that we’d be able to have a good relationship, we had a 6 hour FaceTime call where he fell in love with me, I wavered on whether he was a rebound for 3 weeks to a climax, where he convinced me otherwise

then we stayed together for 5 years. i sincerely thought i was gonna marry this man LMAO. sincerely. i could not see my life without him, and i was literally about to live up the singaporean dream of marrying your jc sweetheart and getting a flat in bidadari

funny story is that just... 3 weeks before we broke up, we were sending each other flats to buy. we wanted to live at the one near his family, where there would be a lovely catchment area, and the forest where he used to meditate and bird watch.

we took lots of walks to this forest, before it a section of it was to be cleared for these flats we were planning on purchasing. i still feel tender when i remember the way he started to cry. even now i feel emotional thinking about this moment.

he was a good sensitive person, and when you’re with someone that long, their feelings, their every thought becomes your own.

he told me once “i can’t tell you the way i know you, but when i look into your eyes, i know you. every thought and feeling and action that you want to do. i see you.”

i haven’t allowed myself to feel tender for him this way for a long time, and wow, the grief of losing someone like that. It’s better now, with perspective and distance, but I feel once again the person who loved him stretching within me, making herself known

sometimes i think of the way i framed him and i weep

i was... truly, truly, truly so in love with him. there was nothing i wouldn’t have done to keep him. i obliterated myself for him. it was not healthy. but i loved him, i really did.