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when my cousin was in high school he won a welding competition at the county fair so they put him on the local news and the reporter asked which of his heroes he’d like to meet someday and my cousin responded “I already know enough people”
I always thought my cousin was such a great writer because he would recite all these rap verses he was working on and they were so clever and then years and years later I realized he had been plagiarizing Eminem the whole time
I was writing all these terribly sincere little poems about the love of Christ and my cousin was like “who is the real slim shady”
some of you know this story but this is my cousin who got excused from the army because he messed up his shoulder while bull riding
to be fair it was already kind of wonky from the time he crashed a raft
these events took place in texas
when my cousin was in high school he spent hundreds of dollars on various accoutrements (cowboy boots, a lifesaving flotation vest, a nice hat) at the local feed store so he could flirt with the cashier, however as we came to find out his windfall was actually money he had stolen
the worst part was that he gave all of these items away as gifts and then he had to ask for them back so he could return them and give the money back to the person he had defrauded
this is the cousin who has his own likeness tattooed on his upper arm
this is the same cousin who got into trouble with the police for driving a tractor to school
this man’s whole career has been one long yeehaw to the tune of acab
when my cousin’s sister didn’t invite him to her wedding he simply hooked up with the photographer and got in as a plus one
(I do not support that to be clear but it’s what happened)
one time this lady was threatening my family so my cousin vandalized her kitchen in the night
no one asked him to do this, btw
my cousin’s favorite restaurant was this questionable joint in utah called “happy taco,” his sister-in-law at the time received prophetic dreams
one time my cousin was dissatisfied with all the family bibles because he couldn’t find the footprints in the sand poem in the new testament
one time my grandfather and I drove out to see a softball game only to leard the thing had been called off, we went back home to find my cousin hosting a dinner for all these girls... I was like, grandpa, that’s the team
my cousin named one of his kids after his favorite brand of chewing tobacco
when my cousin shared that his impending son would be named after a brand of chewing tobacco the family at large tried to sway him, but he explained that he had already paid for a diaper bag to be monogrammed with the name so it was too late to change anything
if you have met a guy who steals traffic signs, you have met my cousin robert
throwback to when my cousin robert blocked all of us on facebook because my dad said he looked like a member of the village people
when my cousin robert graduated high school he had a little party with my family and his buddy travis. he also invited a marine recruiter, who showed up and ate my dad’s barbecue. no one joined the marines.
when my cousin robert was in high school our grandma made him do some yard work for an old woman named mrs. carlisle who followed him around whilst stroking a dead cat bundled in her arms
it wasn’t her pet really, she was feeding a colony of feral cats and my cousin found one that had given up the ghost, presumably old and full of days. he felt like he should let the lady of the house know, so he did, then she told him to bring it to her. he never went back.
I’m sorry that don’t have anything all that recent to report, my cousin and I do not really talk that much, also various members of law enforcement are always looking for him and I’m no snitch
also Robert, if you see this, stop listing my mom’s house as your place of residence you goof
whenever stuff goes missing from my grandpa’s grave everyone sort of shrugs and is like “oh your cousin robert is in town”
