good evening. i will now rank dmbj characters on how likely they are to be referred to as, or turn into, a ~ psycho ex ~ in the manner of fatal attraction/bunny-boiler/misogynistic archetype primarily used against women that i will now RECLAIM for humorous purposes*

*this is my caveat. i am aware this is a horrible trope. i see the problematic value of this and i raise you that we sure live in a society

1. xiao hua / xie yuchen

yes. yes. how many times do i have to say yes. if you had the unmitigated gall to break up with xie yuchen, your entire life would be forfeit. he would not settle for mere social ruin. your very memory would have to be erased from existence.

they would never find your body, and, in the way of all mortal beings, your name would fall from common parlance. it's just he would expedite the process. with prejudice. save yourself and simply goad xie yuchen into breaking up with you. godspeed, little one. thoughts & prayers

2. xiao ge / zhang qiling

no. purely on the grounds he'd forget you in like 20 years anyway, and before you come for me about this being a low blow commentary-wise, TAKE IT UP WITH THE CANON. I DIDN'T DO THIS TO HIM. THIS ONE ISN'T ON ME.

let's move on

3. zhang rishan

my god, this man is entirely just a study in repression. he either would Simply Not Allow Himself and appear, a tragic spectre, on the day of your wedding to another man, solely to witness the moment he fully loses you and then silently and gracefully slink away

or he would, instead, instigate a lifetime of small, petty grievances against you that he would never confess to and you would never be able to trace back to him. surely it cannot be zhang rishan's fault your wifi is so bad? that your favourite cafe enroute to work closed?

that you keep getting passed over for that promotion at work, or keep mixing up your whites with colours when you do laundry?

can it?

CAN IT?

4. huo daofu

LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME. I WILL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

NEVER DATE HUO DAOFU BUT IF YOU MUST, YOU CAN NEVER, EVER, EVER BREAK UP WITH HUO DAOFU.

THIS IS MY FINAL WARNING.

5. hei xiazi

so, my theory is this: it is not actually possible to break up with hei xiazi. he either ghosts you so repeatedly because of work you forget you're in a relationship at all - until he shows back up like a missing pet returning 3.5 years later like nothing's wrong &

still crying at you to be fed like it's their god-given right -

he persists in showing up at all the places you go and hanging out with all your shared friends in ever-increasingly slutty little tank tops until you sleep with him again and even though you tell yourself it's out

of pity, the only one you should truly feel pity, and shame, for is yourself -

or you get yourself killed chasing after him because it's the honeymoon period and you've convinced yourself the weird mysterious vibe is sexy as opposed to indicative of a man-shaped raccoon.

i am sorry. men, and life, are naught but a farce. an illusion. & you, like a fly in a web, are a little bit fucked.

6. wu xie

listen. wu xie went on a TEN YEAR LONG RAMPAGE, wiping out a WHOLE FAMILY, systematically, and at great physical and mental damage to himself, solely to avenge the forcible break up of him and his immortal amnesiac boyfriend -

and you - you really think -

hey, i don't know you. maybe you can come out on top. i'm just saying there's a REASON xie yuchen and wu xie are friends.

i'm just saying.

but hey. it's your head. hell hath no fury like a wu xie scorned.

7. liu sang

oh my god, oh my god. man, i don't even know what to tell you. liu sang is like a coca-cola mixture of abandonment issues, trauma, desperation to one up people and prove himself, did i mention the ABANDONMENT ISSUES,

and you, like a fool, want to go ahead and drop the menthos of a break up into that cocktail? sure.

sure sure sure.

SURE SURE SURE HOW COULD THAT BACKFIRE ON YOU. I DON'T POSSIBLY KNOW. YOU'VE GOT A TEN SECOND HEADSTART AT BEST, MY DUDE. i????

how

how did you ever think this could go well for you,

my god

has this thread taught you nothing?

am i a joke to you?

see, the thing with liu sang is even if he doesn't go the elaborate revenge route, he's going to end up sat in your doorway every other night of the week, rain-drenched, looking like an advertisement for a cat shelter.

or, you know, he's going to go the elaborate revenge route.

tl;dr: he's going to have to get the tattoo of your name he got removed, and you, in the end, will end up paying for it somehow.

8. su nan

in the extremely elaborate fantasy world i have lovingly constructed in my spare time - the one where su nan is my wife and we laugh about you over dinner in our modern yet tasteful apartment, our wine chilled to the perfect temperature, very much in love -

su nan destroyed your life. she describes it in detail. it is very, very attractive of her. i don't know what else you want me to tell you. you broke up with my wife: this is entirely on you.

look at her. i repeat: this one. is entirely. on you. this is why we laugh about you in our apartment.

and finally, 9. wang pangzi.

this is what we like to call a trick question. there is no reason ever to break up with wang pangzi. he is perfect. he is fashionable, devoted, caring, good w/ kids, can cook & will blow things up for you on command. i don't know what else you want?

i don't know, man. i just don't.

and with that -

[end thread]