TW: Suicide

I've been getting a lot of questions recently re: potential next steps in the fight to impeach racist @HWDSB trustees.

I think it's important for me to share why I've needed a break & how the school board's violence resulted in my recent hospitalization.

1/20

I want to thank everyone for carrying this fight in my absence. I see everything that students & community are doing & I love you all so much.

But throughout my term & this process, my mental health has deteriorated more than it ever has & I need to be honest about that.

2/20

During my time at the @HWDSB, I was the most suicidal I had ever been.

I live with depression, anxiety & OCD, but I want to be clear in the fact that these parts of me did not make me irrational or hyper-sensitive.

They allowed me to see things for what they really were.

3/20

Following the release of the @HWDSB's report in February (re: my experiences of racism as a student trustee), I felt more hopeless & drained than I ever had. This lasted for months.

A few weeks ago, I had three active plans to commit suicide & I was hospitalized.

4/20

As a student trustee, board members would always tell me to make eye contact/small talk, stand/sit up straight, stop stuttering/fidgeting, etc.

My grace & dedication were never enough. I knew that my anxiety *and a million other things* would always make them belittle me.

5/20

During & after board meetings, I'd often rush to the washroom to call my mom as I experienced panic attacks. After almost every meeting, she would have to ease me out of these panic attacks.

This was despite me being on *both* anti-depressive & anti-anxiety medications.

6/20

Oftentimes, I would sit alone in the board office lobby in order to isolate myself from board members.

Almost every week, I was absent from school for several days. I couldn't attend classes due to panic attacks & was sometimes too depressed to even get out of bed.

7/20

I contemplated suicide every single day.

I woke up every morning hoping that I would never have to wake up again.

In September, following the launch of the investigation into my experiences of racism, I attempted suicide by overdosing on my anti-depressants.

8/20

When I exposed the @HWDSB, I didn't know that an investigation would be launched. I didn't know that anyone would even care, because I had completely normalized everything that had happened.

I just needed to get things off my chest, but I was naive.

9/20

I wasn't ready for the @HWDSB to actively re-traumatize me & my community.

I'm sorry to my community for that & I'm also sorry to myself. I should've known that they had no intentions of changing & that this was a chance for them to further gaslight & traumatize us.

10/20

I know that this all may seem irrelevant & that it'll probably make people see me differently. But I've been living with that reality throughout this entire process.

Being a student trustee put me at risk. Being outspoken put me at risk. Exposing the board put me at risk.

11/20

I don't know what I'm looking for by sharing this, but I've realized that I'm still adhering to the racist & ableist standards that the @HWDSB has set for me. I can't do it anymore.

This fight has hurt so many people & I can't move forward without being honest.

12/20

These institutions try to tell us that having a sense of humanity is shameful; they try to tell us that pain, anxiety, anger & sadness are invalid feelings.

I can't keep adhering to this narrative. It's just wrong.

13/20

This investigation has caused many to see me as an irrational & hyper-sensitive teenager & that hurts me. But what hurts me more is being put on a pedestal.

Being seen as completely fearless & unstoppable doesn't allow me to step back & breathe when I need to.

14/20

I'm scared - and so is everyone else who has carried this fight. Trauma doesn't always make us thick-skinned & untouchable. It's not fair to assume that it does.

Fear & pain aren't shameful. We can't keep letting these systems convince us that they are.

15/20

Being hospitalized didn't help me - it broke me even more. I felt crazy, surveilled, uncared for & gaslit - but the worst part was that I was used to it. I was used to it because of my experiences at the @HWDSB.

These mirrored feelings aren't a coincidence.

16/20

These systems work together to dehumanize racialized, disabled & marginalized people. They work together to gaslight us. They work to collectively inflict violence upon us, and we have to recognize that this isn't our fault.

17/20

The @HWDSB claims to be sorry, but where was their care during my term? Where was their care after my "shocking allegations"? Where has their care ever been for kids in their schools?

So many children continue to die at the hands of these institutions & its unlivable.

18/20

I have a family & community that saved my life, but so many kids don't. This harm is cyclical & it's woven into the fabric of every institution that dictates the way we define ourselves.

We can't let these institutions continue to harm & kill children.

19/20

I don't know how to break this cycle, but I'm putting my suicidality, anxiety & experiences out there because honesty is the only place I know I can start.

I'm still alive because my community loves me. I just hope that I can show you all the same love that saved my life.

20/20