Something that we don’t talk about a lot in the community, is our own internalised homophobia.

I know it can take many forms, but I wanted to share some of the ways it rears its ugly head for me, particularly in my work with history, museums and working with young people. /1

When I first started working in a major museum, I can remember worrying that the work I was doing, looking at LGBTQ+ people’s stories in the collection, was not ‘legitimate’.

I used to worry that maybe I was just making things up, seeing things that weren’t there... /2

To this day, I still have a shadow-self that will question the validity of all of my work in queer history, as violently as any Daily Mail article.

I have internalised the belief that queer people are a fiction, even as I passionately try to spread the word that we aren’t! /3

When I find a piece of research, follow a set of evidence, develop a narrative that is non-heteronormative, there is still a voice that says; ‘Sacha love, are you making this up? Are you just seeing what you want to see?’.

I wonder if other queer academics feel the same? /4

When talking with Cis heterosexual academics, even those who are allies/well meaning, it can result in me crumbling under even slight pressure; Immediately agreeing with them 'Yes you're right, they probably were just mates, silly me. Sorry.'

I CRINGE at the fact I do this. /5

The other thing I struggle with is an ingrained concern of working with young people and children.

Fed on a steady diet of Gay meaning ‘hypersexual 18+ XXX after dark with a glass of red wine’ means I have internalised the idea that queer means 'not appropriate for kids'. /6

Brief non-academia tangent:
I cannot tell you how angry this makes me.
I am a father.
I feel weird hugging my son.
My own son.
I don't think I can ever forgive society for this... /7

Anyway, I used to be the family programme producer at The National Maritime Museum, and the first time I ran a workshop on LGBT history for young people I sincerely thought someone would jump out of a cabinet and call me a paedophile! /8

To this day when I work on a project with young people (even though it is always entirely appropriate and very carefully thought through) I still have a voice that says I’m a creepy gay man and I shouldn’t be allowed near vulnerable people.
Sick isn’t it? /9

Anyway I hoped to share some of those demons, I don't know if they'll ever go but talking about it helps. I don’t think I’m alone, in fact I know I'm not.
If you feel comfortable, please share yours too. X
/10

*I also wanted to add that I imagine this is the same for other kinds of bigotry but didn't want to make assumptions.