Having experienced many a “We knew” when I came out about my sexuality and gender identity, I can identify with the let down feeling of “Oh” that immediately followed hearing that.

But at the same time, when I consider that I ultimately want to live in a world where “coming out” is obsolete and queerness isn’t othered to the point of being shocking news, the reaction of “We knew” kinda seems like an inevitable reality.

When I came out, I didn’t do so wanting or expecting celebration or even congratulations. On the flipside, what hurt me about the “We knew’s” is that they came from people who had never once tried to speak to me about my identity or asked if I was struggling with it.

Coming out is a delicate topic. And in my own experience, “We knew”, while not often a malicious response, is one that dismisses the labor the person had to go through to get to the point of coming out.

IMO, people say “We knew” because they don’t see your sexuality/gender identity as a big deal, which in many ways is a good thing. At the same time, I think it is a clear indicator to the person coming out that they maybe didn’t need to gift that person with a coming out moment.

In considering the concept of coming out in a world wear queerness, gayness, and Transness are all more visible than ever, we have to keep in mind: 1) What is the function of the conversation, 2) What we seek from the conversation.

Not everyone is looking for shock or celebration when coming out. I wasnt. But some people are. Some people want their coming out moments to celebrate and honor their identity and the work they went through to be able to come out.