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please don’t think I hate you. (a thread)
to me, you are a sunflower in a garden of roses. I’ll never be able to put the love I have for you in words. I know I’m usually good with words.. I’ve sent many paragraphs and even written books for you. but the love I feel for you is a love I’ve never felt for anyone else,—
a love that simply could never be described. I never saw myself falling in love again, but I prayed to God for you, for so long. though things are not the best between us, I could never thank God enough for you. you were and still are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I’ll never forget the moment I first fell in love with you and how I fell in love with you over and over again everyday after that. everything about you, the good and the bad, made me head over heels for you. it felt like I always knew you, maybe in a past life I did.
you are the most precious soul I’ve ever met. I’ve always adored you and everything about you. I love you so much, and I promised a year ago that would never change, no matter what. you’re my entire heart and you are so deserving of love and all good things.
I love you more than life itself, and through the entire year we shared together, I hope you always knew you mean the world to me. you made my life so beautiful. I know I was not always perfect, and there were days I cried because of that, but I hope I did the same for you.
I loved you more and more everyday, and I loved you the most on your worst days, never any less. I wanted you to know that no matter what, I would forever be by your side, even if right now my only option is to stand behind you. I wanted you to experience true love. not only—
—that, but I wanted you to fall in love with yourself the way I did with you. I wanted you to see how amazing you truly are, and I hope that right now as you’re picking up the pieces, you’re starting to see what I’ve always seen.
we shared many smiles and laughs together and it was you who brought that side out of me. I’m not saying I never smiled or laughed before you; I was okay and there were moments when I felt amused, but it was you who brought light into my life.
you made everything all the more better. your presence alone calmed every anxiety I had. there were many days when all I wanted was to lay in your arms and listen to you talk because in those moments, I knew everything would be okay. you always made everything so much better.
you were like home to me, my safe place. but you were my best friend too. there were so many times when you’d be singing your heart out while driving and I’d look over at you and just hope that I’d never have to experience losing you. the thought alone broke me.
and I remember thinking one day while we were just staring and admiring each other, “it’s going to hurt so bad when she leaves.” sometimes my thoughts got in the way of my blessings, but I cherished every moment God allowed me to spend with you.
I held on to every moment for as long as I could, even the smallest ones. the coffee in the mornings, the late night fast food runs. getting up super early to go all the way to Boone and waiting for you to get out of class.
I hated waiting in your dorm by myself, but I was always so excited for you to come back, even if you weren’t gone for that long. I loved to watch your face light up whenever we saw each other and greet you with a hug. sometimes an hour felt like an eternity.
you made me feel like a little kid on Christmas morning. my heart always felt like it was going to explode with this overwhelming feeling of happiness with you. you were so sweet to me. I still have the very first flowers you ever gave me and the card that came with them.
I know there were times when you’d get angry, and there were things about you that you wished you could’ve changed. but I would not have changed anything about you. I never tried to. I told you that if you were going to change for anyone, let it only be for you. because I’ve—
—always thought you were so perfect. I admired every part of you, and observed and adored every little detail. there was never any argument or bad day that could’ve ever possibly changed my mind, still to this day. I gave you my patience,—
—and though you may feel like you never deserved it, my love and patience is yours to keep. I saw things in you that you may have never seen in yourself, things that I never saw in anyone else.
your aura is a light and your heart is like a garden. but flowers are fragile and I hope I showed you enough gentleness. I wanted to take good care of you, shower you with all my love, and watch you blossom into something more beautiful than you already are.
there was always this spark in your eyes. I often found myself getting lost in them. they were like hooks for the soul. but it was truly every detail that made my heart melt. and I loved, and I miss, more than anything, seeing your gorgeous smile.
you have a mole just below your eye that I’ve always thought was the cutest thing. I never mentioned it, but it was one of the smallest things about you that I thought was the most adorable, along with the little baby hairs on your neck.
one of your nicknames was “babyface.” it came from your doe-like eyes that would soften anyone’s heart. you naturally have the face of an innocent yet curious toddler. and at your happiest, you reminded me so much of a happy, laughing baby.
and at your lowest, I wanted so much to see that light in your face again. through it all, I tried so hard to be there for you and nurture you when you needed comfort the most. I would often play with your fingers whenever you’d try to just hold my hand. I remember you—
thought that was weird when we first met. but as time passed, I hoped that whenever I was rubbing my fingers along yours that you’d somehow get the message from deep within, that everything would be okay. I hoped you always knew that I loved you so much and that I was ready—
for any and everything, no matter how big or small the wave that came crashing down on us sometimes. I was always prepared. because there was no one else, and will never be anyone else, who I’d go through it all with.
I have cried and prayed many nights for you. I ask God every night before I fall asleep to keep you safe. He knows how much you mean to me, you mean everything to me. in my dreams when I see you, I always hope that somehow you can hear me saying “I love you” and “I’m so sorry.”
please don’t think I hate you. times are dark now, but no amount of hurt, sadness, or anger could ever outweigh my love for you. even though we’re apart, I promised you forever, no matter what. that is a promise I’ll never break.
please don’t think I hate you, because at almost 5 in the morning, you’re the only thing on my mind and I’m still writing to you, hoping that you’ll come across this.
no matter how much time passes, please don’t forget me. I love you more than I have ever loved anything and more than I will ever love anything else. you have my heart. neither of us knows what the next chapter holds, but please always remember.
I love you.
