Ok.

Issa lot to unpack with this one, here is why I lost my shit:

First and most important thing was that I was NOT eating or getting the same type of fuel everyone else was to compete. Based upon the severity of my gluten allergy, even cross contamination would set my skin aflame and give me significant pain. So when you see me

Why you don’t see me a lot is because I am hiding somewhere tending to my rashes to grimace through the stomach pains

In the beginning of the on the ropes challenge when TJ is explaining the rules you can see me bent over scratching the shit out of my eyes...

So, in reality I wasn’t isolating myself to be antisocial, I was in pain and HAD to go to the bar with everyone even though I had asked multiple times to just stay home and rest.

I didn’t complain about the pain I was in, all I asked was to be in control of my own food and to have a designated area for the food I was getting so that there would be NO CONFUSION it was mine.

That night, after coming back from the bar *someone* and it remains a mystery literally went to my food with my fucking name on it and helped themselves to what was left of the little shit I had.

People had been helping themselves to my shit, so there times I would go and try to grab a yogurt to eat on the bus only to discover the 7 I had were all gone. When I had one. The day before.

Not only that, but I would also discover opened bread on my cutting boards (also with my name on it) so if I wasn’t getting cross contamination from the caterers, * somehow mysteriously my shit with my name on it would be recklessly used and not even bothering to clean it.

So production had to make an announcement to the group to please respect my food and the fact when you just help yourself to my GLUTEN FREE FOOD it takes a minimum of 48 72-hours for it to be replaced

because of the shopping protocols for COVID, then having to sterilize it before it is brought into the house then tape up any non sponsored brand names before it was given to me.

Add that to the fact I still was out in the elements starving and NOT QUITTING or hesitating before any challenge.

Then, we have Alton.... oh Alton. Alton, who decided to suggest that I be thrown in against Beth for elimination because it seemed like I wasn’t having a good time.

Alton, who called the whole cast in quarantine and told them he had my back. Multiple times.

So, I got mutherfuckers eating what little food I have, disrespectfully using my shit, then we have Alton with his suggestion...

Somehow, everyone else who was chosen by the person in elimination got a warning their name was being said. Not only did people KNOW Beth wanted me, and was pulling them aside to say it...they also said NOTHING to me about it.

In fact, I was actually assured several times that I was safe and not to even worry about it.

So add that to my burning fire of rage.

Right before we were gonna walk into the elimination it was Ruthie who pulled me aside and gave me a heads up. Approximately 1 minute before I walked in.

So, when I say “Don’t fuck with my money” I specifically meant it for Alton, and they don’t show him saying: “She told me not to fuck with her money... “ then whatever the fuck he said after

At first; I had EVERY intention to do the elimination against Beth. As I was changing into my uniform I just started to get these flashes (going to get a yogurt for breakfast on my way out the door & all my shit being gone, Mark telling me that Alton suggested me as a

Replacement for Katie, then; the 8 people who said my name...these people who came to me to get fed with either the food I was cooking, or my spiritual vibe & Zen, having me use my palo Santo to cleanse them and the house of the negative vibes)

Finally, I figured if Alton was trying to suggest (sacrifice) me for Beth (yes I saw that little hug he gave her as they walked away) then the rest of the house knew my strongest alleged alliance did not exist.

I didn’t want to just box with Beth, I wanted Mark next for telling me I was safe, then using the life saver to save someone who didn’t even do the shit...Alton for even suggesting my name, Darrell for saying my name first and the other seven who followed.

And at that moment I knew that, after beating Beth in that elimination I would have to go back in a house with people I felt that charged over?

No. So what point is it to still compete? Why put one extra bit of energy into some shit I knew at that moment, I had no chance of winning? For what? or Still put my body through that and lose more weight? To be validated by people sitting at home watching this shit?

Like I said earlier; there are so many different variables that come with this experience. I respect the game. But I don’t have to respect how it was played.

No matter what happened- I can say for each challenge, I never hesitated, never folded, there was no fear... I also volunteered to be a team captain and put myself out there in so many ways people will never fully know.

I am not mad at anyone, I have no bad feelings toward anyone for playing the game in the way that was most beneficial to them. I just left Beth and Syrus (sure it was awkward watching me cuss them all out at this strangers house while his daughter sat next to me) lmao

And she told me she too chose violence with her comments on the after show, and even tho I won’t watch it...(this episode was more than enough) I get it. She had every right to talk shit right back.

By the way: I wore Beth’s lashes from her company in literally the only confessional video I looked normal in. They are beautiful, and lightweight & I loved them.

I love @TheMarkLong. I supported this project from the start. I knew it would be great- and it is. I still got everything I wanted out of it, all the adventures and testing of my will and limits and all that other shit that fed my spirit and soul.

I have a lot of love for everyone and I realize that we all had a very unique and, at times; very difficult experience. It’s not as easy to do this stuff as it looks from the outside.

I say I have a lot of love for everyone because: I shared some super special moments where people showed great kindness. Kendal tried to feed me and give me snacks, bringing fruit and stuff on the bus when she knew I didn’t have time to make food before we left

When I broke down crying over my stuff being used recklessly Teck cleaned all my stuff and put it away for me.

Aneesa (under pressure) drew me a set of eyebrows (I can’t draw) to try to mask that I actually lost one from my rash after I needed to just take that fucking headband off and let my shit breathe. I stupidly chose a confessional. With bright ass spotlights.

Darrell once cooked me some eggs in the middle of the night when we came back from an elimination late af and the soup I made and left on the stove had been thrown away (most likely by the cleaning people) and I was just standing there staring at where my pot of soup was...

Big Easy helped me out of the water and told me to hold my headband on while he took my helmet off so I wouldn’t be caught slipping without my headband on cuz the camera crew was right there. We started off rocky- but I really like him. That dude has a good heart.

So even though I called them mutherfuckers, those are my mutherfuckers and I don’t regret participating in this at all.