A #blerd thread about how I realized I had #impostersyndrome and found the inspiration for my dissertation study: (1/14)

I will be going in and out of AAV
#AcademicChatter

Ok 1st let me start this off by saying I LOVE STATS. I love large data sets, SPSS & analyzing data. I got A’s in all 3 classes I took during undergrad and my masters. One of my side hustles was doing data analyses for other ppls studies. Ya girl was a stats WIZ!!!! (2/14)

I got to my doctoral program & you know, racism happened. In private, some faculty told me they were shocked I was admitted & my good grades were bc of pity. I believed them so I never spoke up. & my 1st semester, I choked on my 1st stats exam. FAILED. The dept went wild (3/14)

There were meetings about it. I tried to explain that I was adjusting & I had performance anxiety. They weren’t hearing it. The person serving as DCT back then suggested UG & MA stats were easy for me but Doctoral level was just too hard. (4/14)

Before this, I thought mistakes were normal. But I quickly learned that there was no room for error. I never failed anything in stats again. I got a b+ in that course. I took 2 more stats classes. I got A’s in those. But my confidence was shot. I didn’t like stats anymore. (5/14)

So boom. A couple years later, I’m on externship & we in journal club going over an article. The article stated that this new intervention they started onsite was SO effective at reducing self-harm and other risky behaviors blah blah. BUT I looked at the stats like (6/14)

The numbers were funky. The analyses they ran were weak. There was no evidence of actually clinical efficacy. Even in my broken spirit, I provided a critical analysis of their methods and results. Everyone looked at me like . The person leading the club said (7/14)

“We’re going to speak to one of the ppl who worked on this project soon. We can talk about it then.” I got quiet. The thoughts that went through my mind were wild. Mind you, I WAS TEACHING STATS AT THE TIME. But the doubt was stronger than the truth. I silently thought... (8/14)

“They think I know what I’m talking about but the stats person is going to prove how much I don’t know.

I shouldn’t have talked about the odds ratios. Maybe I’m confusing them with something else.

Maybe there is clinical efficacy.

I sound smart but I am DUMB AS HELL!” (9/14)

I went on silently like this for 10 min. We got on the call and I said, “hi, um, I have a few questions about the stats—“

The person said, “before you start, they are horrible. It was all questionable so I asked them not to put my name on the paper.”

SCUSE ME?????

(10/14)

They went on to repeat everything I said about the stats. That’s when I realized that I lost myself. I let people define my abilities when they never had a right! I thought to myself, “Rukiya, you never thought you weren’t good at stats until white ppl said you weren’t.” (11/14)

POC who exist in these spaces are OVERQUALIFIED. You work twice as hard to get half of what they have, right? I knew this but somehow, I let racism and racists convince me I wasn’t smart, that I didn’t earn my place, & that I was there by chance. (12/14)

THUS, my dissertation was born! I’m investigating what creates imposter syndrome in POC. What do the results say? We’ll find out after I defend! I still got a Lil impostership. A big source of rebuilding my confidence was the support I received from my advisor @kevinnadal (13/14)

My friends helped a lot too. & therapy! These spaces aren’t made for us. We just exist in them. We thrive because we are resilient. & when you start to doubt yourself, seek support! It’s not you! You made it this far & if you feel like you can’t go anymore, KEEP GOING! (14/14)