my acne would literally make me go mad. yes, the low self esteem part too, but for me that wasn’t even the most frustrating bit?

i have this thing where i need duality, or evenness, or just general balance right...? but with the acne, my skin was bumpy.

thread i guess?

it was uneven. the texture upset me the most, alongside the constant pain. i was never one to pop my pimples, instead i’d press down on them in hopes of them flattening so i could get the even texture i was looking for.

when i realised that this wasn’t working, i heard that popping acne would spread bacteria which would cause more acne, and so i’d do that and intentionally “spread” to the exact opposite of the other pimples so it’d be even on both sides...?

this didn’t work too, and it frustrated me so much. i started cleaning my face 10x in the AM and 10x in the PM because i thought my acne was due to dirt on my face.

my friend would tell me “i don’t think that’s gonna work” and i’d ignore her and cleanse my face 10x in a row. my skin was CRYING. i did this with baby soap and black soap.

all this bc i needed balance?

this was also confusing for me because i HATE the number 2. it so ugly. there’s so many reasons why i SHOULD like it but i hate it.

- it’s the only even, prime number.
- it’s the number that forms the basis of what even numbers are.

and so much more but i hate it...?

so why was i suddenly craving balance and why was i attaching balance to duality? idk. but it fucked with me.

i’d usually be able to achieve this balance with other stuff.

for example, always making sure the switches were off/closed, ensuring furniture is straight, tables had to be straight and match each other etc.

and i’d do this throughout school, in class, with everything.

this brought me some semblance of sanity and balance. so when i’d breakout and not be able to achieve this, i’d be SOOOO down.

i couldn’t flatten it, so the texture wasn’t even.

i couldn’t spread it in the exact areas i wanted to, so there was no duality/mirroring.

i also didn’t know how to explain this to anyone without them looking at me like i’m insane…

how do i explain to people that i was willing to put myself through MORE painful, inflamed acne because i needed balance??

that sounds crazy, no?

my acne fucked me up in so many ways.

so after being on accutane, and the first few months after, my skin was literally SMOOTH, and now dealing with texture and minor breakouts again, i’m STRUGGLING to not do sth stupid.

it’s why i hate my nose bc it doesn’t sit right at the center, it’s skewed.

it’s why i hate my eyes, bc they’re not aligned.

it’s the reason why i hate a LOT of things in this world lol, bc that perfect balance that i NEED doesn’t exist and my brain can’t come to terms with it.

anyway, can someone explain to me why this happens? does anyone feel intense urges/requirements for duality/balance/evenness in everything?