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This isn& #39;t exactly horny but I& #39;m definitely not talking about it on main or on the vent:
Ever since I realized what my ex did to me I& #39;ve been reevaluating my connection with sex. I& #39;ve been realizing that a lot of my "haha I& #39;m a slut, anyone who wants to come fuck me"
Ever since I realized what my ex did to me I& #39;ve been reevaluating my connection with sex. I& #39;ve been realizing that a lot of my "haha I& #39;m a slut, anyone who wants to come fuck me"
routine stems from the idea that if I& #39;m open for everything, I& #39;ll never be hurt like that again. Realizing this has disconnected me from that idea as a lifestyle/joke/fetish. I don& #39;t want to be USED to make other people happy and I can& #39;t believe I wanted that for so long.
I don& #39;t want to be objectified and used casually just to make someone else happy. I hate looking back at that and knowing I convinced myself I was okay with it. I hate how much I got off to that and how often I reinforced that in myself. Like I didn& #39;t deserve anything better.
Like I didn& #39;t deserve to say no.
I want to be valued and appreciated for more than sex. I don& #39;t ever want to be used again. I don& #39;t ever want to want to be used again.
I want to be valued and appreciated for more than sex. I don& #39;t ever want to be used again. I don& #39;t ever want to want to be used again.
So to really justify this being on the AD:
Sooooooo my pup fetish. For a long time, a partner to that was the idea that as someone& #39;s property - as their pet - they had control over me. They could do what they want to me and I wouldn& #39;t mind. Why would I?
Sooooooo my pup fetish. For a long time, a partner to that was the idea that as someone& #39;s property - as their pet - they had control over me. They could do what they want to me and I wouldn& #39;t mind. Why would I?
Fuck me, deny me, use me, whatever, any time you felt like it, no word.
Okay, it& #39;s kinda still hot but my point is that my pup fantasies came with that with myself having no feedback. No autonomy or control over my body. Consent wasn& #39;t a question - as property, it was assumed.
Okay, it& #39;s kinda still hot but my point is that my pup fantasies came with that with myself having no feedback. No autonomy or control over my body. Consent wasn& #39;t a question - as property, it was assumed.
SO OBVIOUSLY THAT& #39;S FUCKED UP. I think that& #39;s a reflection of how I was feeling about myself in general, especially in my relationship. We had done stuff together, and everything was fine, so if he wanted to do things and I didn& #39;t say no, it was okay. Even if I didn& #39;t say yes.
But I was thinking about it the other day and I realized that that fantasy has completely changed. I& #39;m cool with sexuality involved with my, uh, puppiness, but what I really want is that master/pet bond. Someone to take care of me and love me completely and unconditionally.
Someone to hold me close, pet me, and never let anyone hurt me. To take my responsibilities and my worries and never let anything bad in. That& #39;s my fantasy. To be treated as a *dog* - not as a member of a queer subculture. I want to be a pet, not a sex toy.
Sex is cool though.
Sex is cool though.
Like, I& #39;m still into the idea of getting fucked as a dog, and getting dommed in that state still makes me horny and everything - god, every time someone asks me to bark for a joke and I can& #39;t explain why I refuse to do it - I want that. But I don& #39;t want to have no choice in that.
Not like I used to.
I guess the moral of the story is that I& #39;m trying to really think about what of my connection to sex is something that I want and what is an outlier of my assault. Sometimes it& #39;s easy to see. Sometimes it& #39;s really hard.
I guess the moral of the story is that I& #39;m trying to really think about what of my connection to sex is something that I want and what is an outlier of my assault. Sometimes it& #39;s easy to see. Sometimes it& #39;s really hard.
While I& #39;m opening up (which, sorry for interrupting your porn scrolling, but for some reason it& #39;s a lot easier to do it here than anywhere else) - I remember having dreams of people I would trust and would talk sex with assaulting me. Now I know where it comes from.
I have a lot of trouble speaking so candidly about this anywhere else. I really have no idea why it& #39;s easy for me to talk about in this thread. So, let& #39;s do the whole thing.
I think my ex sexually assaulted me two years ago and I& #39;m just realizing it was assault now.
I think my ex sexually assaulted me two years ago and I& #39;m just realizing it was assault now.
We had a sexual encounter I was uncomfortable with, and while I never said no, I don& #39;t think I ever consented. I thought it was okay because we had done everything before, but I was still uncomfortable and I wish I had said something instead of playing along.
I remembered this in January and didn& #39;t think much of it until I heard he had assaulted a mutual friend of ours earlier that year. Knowing that he did that makes it impossible for me to ignore. I shake at the idea of seeing him again. If he ever touched me I would hit him.
The thought of having to hear about him from my friends who are still friends with him is killing me. But I have so much trouble telling anybody because I& #39;m scared that our mutual friends see me as the crazy ex who has mental issues and blew up after the breakup.
I don& #39;t know what to do. I& #39;m sorry if these tweets kill the mood of any of y& #39;all reading. I& #39;m sorry if anyone feels weird about engaging with me on here after reading this - but please remember that everything I share on here, I& #39;ve chosen to. Feel free to engage with all of it.
Being able to open up here means that the people I openly invite to get off to my body and my thoughts and fetishize me the first ones to know about my assault. That& #39;s fucking cool of me, honestly. Taking back my control over me. Also keep all that up it makes me feel good 
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