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i really thought my ass was aromantic a couple years ago because i genuinely just couldnāt develop feelings especially towards people that even people that liked me. but when i do/did develop feelings 100% i get rejected or itās toxic as fuck so i just naturally avoid it i guess.
itās not that iām incapable of love because when i do iām very passionate which can be a good thing and a bad thing depending on your partner i guess.. as much as i want a relationship i kind of donāt because itās such a fucking hassle and i donāt know how to find a good fit.
idk Man plus itās super hard for me to reciprocate because i donāt let myself get emotionally attached. and if i do reciprocate theyāve probably already moved on by then. it takes so long man.. like i could never just ādateā someone wtf... i need to be their friend first
if you like me? thatās cool. iām super happy and flattered. iāll flirt and maybe lead you on unintentionally because i genuinely just canāt predict my feelings. i mean hey. maybe youāll get lucky and iāll get lucky enough to fucking feel something for once.
like i canāt really have a legitimate crush (wanting a relationship) on someone first i kind of need to know someone is interested and even then i canāt guarantee. thatās not necessarily a bad thing, i guess it just limits my playing field a lot.
maybe itās better that way. i get hurt less often but iām lonely. in a way iām desperate for attention and love but not desperate to have a full on commitment because when i commit, iām usually more dedicated than the other party so.. I would blame that on me not being good
enough but to be honest i think itās the people iāve trusted that werenāt good enough. there was really only one person i talked to who was so kind. i just wasnāt in a good place though. but i think that was the only time someone was actually proud of being with me.
like i remember this guy i dated made fun of me to his friends and told me about it and he said he was ashamed because iām fat and ugly. like... what... no wonder why i fucking hate myself all people do is shit on me when i care the most. mannnnn
as long as someone is reciprocating and has proven they are legitimate: iām more than happy to take pride and show them off. but the thing is- would they do it for me? i certainly wouldnāt do it first. i need reassurance and a leading example to trust them.
but to be frank, i think that time is a good indicator i can let you in, but even then that shit has failed me. at this point, i donāt trust anything anymore. you like me? you wonāt in a week? we talk every day? youāre gonna get tired of me. Youāre gonna leave me. They always do.
but is it that mindset that holds me back? man, iām just tired of being disappointed and hurt. love is misleading man.. i just want something real iām tired of this feelings coming and going shit. donāt they realize i have so much to offer? i donāt know.. maybe i donāt.
i would like to believe i do but Again i really just donāt feel like itās enough. is it my fault they lose interest so fast? i really blame myself for not being pretty enough... i donāt discriminate against Looks (ok i have limits though..) and if i really feel a connection
i will put aside my physical preferences because i believe that there are sacrifices when you have something real, why do you need to put something so fake like looks? the love can be what makes them beautiful. even if itās only to me.
