okay! let's do this!

this is a thread about how sometimes, when a person is cancelled, other members of that same community will leap up to ask "am i problematic?"

i've got a big roundabout opinion here so please bear with me.

first of all; the problem with asking this.

usually people ask if they've been problematic/predatory too soon.

when a community is recovering from someone they trusted turning out to be a bad person, it's inappropriate to ask. helping victims is the priority at this time.

it's also often communicated in an odd way.

"please lmk if i've ever made you uncomfortable" may seem helpful, but here's the thing - if you HAVE made someone uncomfortable, the chances of them being comfortable enough to tell you are slim.

it's good to show you want to be held accountable, but there are better ways of doing so. the main thing is to check in on yourself. do you bear any guilt when thinking about your interactions on here? then address that guilt!

the next thing i want to say might seem controversial, but i'd like you to hear me out.

i think we're being too harsh on people who ask these questions.

are they misguided? yes. do they communicate in a helpful way? mostly no.

but again, just hear me out in this thread

why do people ask if they're predatory/problematic/etc?

it's because they're scared. terrified, in fact.

it is cynical to believe that EVERYONE who asks these questions is afraid because they have something to hide.

their fear can come from many different places!

i know that at some point i have probably tweeted about wanting to be held accountable, to be told if i've hurt anyone, etc.

why would i ask that? why would i be scared? is it bc i'm a predator who doesn't want to be caught?

NO; it's bc i am an abuse survivor, and when these -

and when these allegations come out, they're intensely triggering and they often remind me of how i wasn't believed when i called my abusers out.

bc of the abuse i endured, bc i wasn't believed, i'm terrified of hurting people unintentionally.

this is why, in the past, it's likely that i've asked people to come to me in case i've hurt them, so that i can fix it. i've since learned why it's inappropriate to ask such questions when something more important is happening.

this is why i think we need to cut these people some slack. fear does not always = guilt.

a lot of people who ask publicly if they've hurt anyone are asking because nobody asked them.

TLDR

- asking these questions publicly is demanding emotional labor that nobody owes you. wise up and confront your feelings in a more mature way.

- cut these people some slack. constant conversation about abuse on the TL is triggering and scary for survivors.