i talk a lot about various aspects of american puritanism but one i haven't touched on much is how it makes people feel guilt and shame when they assert their own needs and boundaries. every felt guilty for saying no? that's not normal, and it's an aspect of american puritanism!

american puritanism teaches that selflessness requires denying your own needs, in order to serve others. of course, in reality, denying your own needs makes you shitty at serving others, so it's a philosophy that eats itself alive.

ashley and i are currently reading a book about healthy boundaries, and i didn't realize how common it is for people to feel guilt and shame when they assert a boundary, even if the boundary is healthy for everyone involved. even it's good for both of you

"well i don't want to be mean" "i don't want to make them feel bad" hey guess what. not only are these feelings a result of american puritanism, but them feeling bad about having a boundary asserted is a result of that as well.

i know it might be awkward and tough at first, but it gets easier with practice: never sacrifice short term feelings for longterm boundaries. the damage done by a lack of boundaries will always be worse than them feeling temporarily rebuffed by you asserting your needs. PLEASE

dang this thread is doing numbers. Here's the book, written by an experienced therapist and highly recommended