last night on post-Ronin prequel watch: Attack of the Clones aka I Defend It, It’s Extremely Funny I Promise

listen to me, Obi-Wan’s response to an assassin drone was to YEET HIMSELF OUT THE WINDOW AT IT and what follows is an objectively excellent chase sequence

1) it’s exciting, 2) coruscant is a great set piece bc it’s dirty enough to evoke classic star wars and dark enough to avoid disorienting CGI smoothness, 3) this apparently happens often enough that citizens both recognize and loathe jedi nonsense, 4) Obi-Wan and Anakin are—are—

listen. i love Obi-Wan. i understand Anakin stresses him out. and that he means well. but the CONSTANT NEGGING, MY DUDE. he needles! *jenny nicholson voice* he’s NEEDLING

cards on the table, petty wine aunt Obi-Wan oozing inappropriate snark and weirdly flirtatious vibes with people who might very well want to murder him is at least 50 percent of what i love abt Clone Wars so i’m here for it

but i just need him to say one (1) nice thing to anakin and LEAVE IT AT THAT. come on obi-wan we’re all rooting for you.

hidden punchline: Obi-Wan is part of the problem bc he keeps aping “noooo Anakin we listen to the council, we’re patient, we’re wise” but he also definitely threw himself out that window and Yoda definitely called him out for having his head up his ass

broadly, the political machinations are more visible and creepy vs Phantom, which i love now, but when i watched this movie at 14 i was too dumb to follow any of it. by the time Obi-Wan was creeping on Geonosis i’d fully lost the plot. so probably could’ve been played up more.

anyway these movies were definitely made during the Bush era haha military powers to start a war under false pretense HA HA HA HA H AH AHA it’s fine

i like opening with an assassination attempt; i DON’T like that i never really understood exactly what the Separatists wanted or why. i get that it’s the Sith playing 5D chess against themselves in order to achieve fascism but i’d rather be convinced the Separatists have a point.

the set pieces and action sequences are uniformly bigger and more creative—i’m never left wondering why the naboo hangars have a section that looks like the death star or what’s up with those force fields separating obi-wan, qui-gon, and darth maul

the set piece action sequences DO maybe go on too LONG sometimes (droid factory; execution monster wrangling; frankly even the chase sequence could’ve been tightened; don’t get me started on the final battle, i don’t know that i’ve ever enjoyed an army v. army fight)

all right. fine. the bugbear: that romance. this…this i can’t defend. the vibes are so rancid, friends.

the closest they get to a scene that isn’t a hundred red flags + has actual chemistry is when anakin is flirting with not only padme but fascism — and then he almost gets killed by a giant flea-cow. it’s amazing.

the first time i rewatched this at like 21 i just started cry-laughing when he got thrown bc WHAT IF THAT WAS IT. WHAT IF ANAKIN JUST FUCKING DIED LIKE THIS. alas, we must continue.

when a piece of fiction doesn’t work for me, i like to play the fix-it game, i.e., how would i make it something that DID work for me while changing as little as possible. so, anakin/padme:

1) no 9yo/14yo flirting in Phantom. it’s so painful, borderline creepy to experience. you can let them bond like people. she’s basically babysitting him and a kid can love their babysitter without developing a crush.

2) Anakin in Clones is still nervous to see padme—their time together was pivotal to his life. he wants to be impressive. or maybe he doesn’t like being reminded of a scared little boy just freed from slavery.

3) but seeing her is good, actually. professional with a touch of friendly. he still has tension with Obi-Wan bc his instinct is to trust Padme, and Obi-Wan can’t forget that she’s a politician. also Anakin has the judgment of a chihuahua with rage issues so always worried there.

4) Anakin assigned to escort Padme home, great—and midway there, gets his terrifying dream about mom. Anakin wants to prove himself a responsible Jedi, but PADME urges him to follow the nightmare—it’s his mom for crying out loud!

5) instead of an idyllic lakeside getaway, Anakin and Padme have to chase down and rescue Shmi. they bond more as adults, they’re brave, they get vulnerable—there’s a tension.

6) also Shmi isn’t taken by Tusken Raiders in an ill-thought “violent savages” trope; she’s taken by slavers. ideally ones with some sort of Republic-approved license to, say, claim ownership of ppl’s labor bc of debt. not technically slaves, but if it walks like a slaver…

7) basically, make the holes in the Republic’s net ruin Anakin’s life all over again. Shmi dies bc the Republic can’t save her and neither can her son. Padme’s there the whole time, by Anakin’s side...

8) …even when he decides to be judge, jury, and executioner for these legal citizens of the Republic who enslaved and killed his mother. Padme knows. she SEES. she hates it. but her heart is breaking for Anakin. for Ani.

9) she still can’t get over this murder. he’s ashamed of it, yes (i like that he’s ashamed in the movie too), but he still DID it. there’s a rift between them now. but they do have to go save Obi-Wan apparently—Master Damsel in Distress can’t take care of himself tbh

10) on Geonosis, in the droid factory, things go fine when they just have to get past droids, but the moment Anakin has to kill a person, he falters—remembering the murders. they get captured. NOW reconciliation.

11) you can even have the romantic confession at the exact same time as they enter the arena! Padme accepts that Anakin is Trying His Best and Anakin is moved by Padme’s ability to still care for him, despite his failings and cowardice—they kiss.

12) it’s still BIG RED FLAGS abt Anakin’s choices and behavior (most ppl don’t go full mass homicide even when they’re very upset) but the red flags aren’t him having a stalkery fixation on a fantasy version of Padme he’s been building since he was 9.

final verdict: i still like it more than phantom. the obi-wan bits are pretty great. wife described the romance as two queer kids desperately trying to convince themselves and each other that they are extremely het, which is a lens through which i can finally enjoy it.