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t//w: homophobia, bullying
I can’t get this off of my mind since I never told this to anyone. But there was one time, at the peak of my fairy knight role during the pretend games we play at the school quadrangle that I experienced something so traumatic.
I can’t get this off of my mind since I never told this to anyone. But there was one time, at the peak of my fairy knight role during the pretend games we play at the school quadrangle that I experienced something so traumatic.
We were playing and pretending to be good fairies that were fighting off evil spirits, like every afternoon during class days, at that time. I remember we’d do that to burn time as we all wait for our service UVs to come and pick us up to take us home.
I had this hyper masculine classmate who was 2-3 years older than me that passed by me and my friends playing since they were about to share the court to play basketball. Upon arriving, the first words he said were, “mga bading! Kadiri.”
I didn’t pay attention to those kind of remarks, but our reaction to that was to tone down our enjoyment and sort of whisper the sound effects of twinkling and sword slashing that we were making. In order not to provoke their remarks again.
But then as we tried to continue to play, this boy came up to me and said “‘di ba crush mo ako? Sumbong kaya kita sa mama mo?”
The other kids I was playing with ran away, and I was just left there to face three boys of my age. But they all stood taller, which intimidated me alot
The other kids I was playing with ran away, and I was just left there to face three boys of my age. But they all stood taller, which intimidated me alot
I went down to hug my knees to hide my face and said nothing. “Andyan mama mo sa office mo diba?” He continued as their tall figures casted a shadow over me during that bright, cloudy afternoon.
“‘Wag, please.” I said as the first response I gave. He was indeed my crush, so I always took half of my lunch money to buy his rice meals. Some of my classmates knew about it, and may have told him.
“Crush mo ako? Edi bading ka? Sumbong kita sa mama mo.”
“Crush mo ako? Edi bading ka? Sumbong kita sa mama mo.”
I couldn’t cry but my backside fell on the warm concrete floor. I hugged my knees tighter because I was ashamed and afraid of what was going to happen next. Is he really going to do it? Will my mom scold me? Will she whip me with a belt?
The boys in front of me were laughing and mocking me. But a few more moments their shadows disappeared. I immediately looked up and saw them heading towards the office, where my mom was indeed at. Tears uncontrollably ran down my cheeks and I stood up quickly.
I vividly recall how my school shorts were tight, so I almost felt it rip with the haste I had to make as I tried to stop them. “Please, ‘wag.” Screaming towards their direction as I stumbled to get closer. I was wimpy and thin back then.
I didn’t extend my arms to grab one of the boys’ white shirt’s hem because I feared that they might throw me a punch or push me to the ground. I begged and they just laughed. I cried and they kept walking towards the office.
We were almost nearby the office and my classmate
We were almost nearby the office and my classmate
made sure to scare me one last time before his next move by saying, “bakla ka diba? Susumbong talaga kita sa mama mo.”
I didn’t know what to do at that point so I just started running away. Towards the tree where I used to bury my drawings of girls and fairies. I started digging
I didn’t know what to do at that point so I just started running away. Towards the tree where I used to bury my drawings of girls and fairies. I started digging
and I just thought that this could be evidence that I was really gay. My bails burrowing in the wet soil, and my tears wetting my soiled face.
I had no recollection of anything else but the pain I felt. The heaviness. The difficulty of trying to breathe in between sobs.
I had no recollection of anything else but the pain I felt. The heaviness. The difficulty of trying to breathe in between sobs.
Though my mom never came to me and a kid told me that the boys didn’t really enter the office when they told me they would. I just looked at the crumpled papers I had on my hand and how my tears stopped watering the ground.
I never really knew why they did that to me. Or the bullying I received after leaving that school. Where they threatened to gang up on me if ever they see me again.
I thought I made a friend because he was always nice to me, so I bought him lunch. That’s why I thought of him as a crush. I never thought he would be the reason why I choose to be alone most of the time.
I was just tolerated by groups during college years after that. I was bullied by my workmates years after college. I never really knew why. I never really knew what I did to deserve those kind of harmful attention.
To this day, I believe there are still people that doesn’t have the best intention towards me. I don’t blame you if you think I’m asking for it, but if I could just ask why... maybe I could help myself to be less of a bother to you.
I don’t have any words for anyone who have experienced this kind of trauma. I am also just trying to be strong and better day by day. But at the same time, I’m still greatly bothered by this. I just hope I have more strength to get by. To grow and to have a life where I can be
without these experiences.
