Gather round, darklings, for a tale. It is a long one, spanning decades, and involves Young Dina and @goldencorral.

We begin in the mid 80s, in a county of roughly 30k people. Change came slowly, and the Golden Corral was the pinnacle of fine dining in the area at the time. 1/

This Golden Corral was where people had their birthday parties, wedding receptions, and other celebrations. A trip to the Golden Corral was an event in any household of the area. It is there Young Dina discovered crab salad, and be forever changed. 2/

The Golden Corral Crab Salad was on their all-you-can-eat buffet, and if you don't think that buffet was the best thing in the world to an 8-year-old, you have clearly never been an 8-year-old with free reign over a tiny empire where no one could tell you what to do. 3/

(I'm not forgetting the dessert station, which was a whole other thing entirely, and not what this thread is about. But still, I see you, dessert station, and you are not forgotten.)

So, the crab salad. Once tasted, this was Young Dina's Favorite Food. For years. 4/

I loved the crab salad so much that one year I asked for it for my birthday dinner, and my stepmother took that literally and made me a crab salad. I appreciated the effort, but it was...not right. It was a bowl of lettuce with the same imitation crab sprinkled in. 5/

We would go to the Golden Corral and I would fill a plate with nothing but chicken wings and crab salad, and when told I needed a vegetable, would put some baby corn and sliced mushrooms on the side. 6/

Remember the all-you-can-eat part? Young Dina couldn't hold much, but I could down three helpings of crab salad and go back for a fourth with the best of intentions and STILL have room for a sundae from the dessert bar. I was DEDICATED to that imitation crab. 7/

Time passed, and we moved away, but I never forgot that Golden Corral or that crab salad. Any other buffets paled in comparison, and other places offered "seafood salad" that never tasted the same. I did not enjoy them, no matter where it came from. 8/

For years I avoided "seafood salad" of any kind. It's now a standard offering at deli counters across the land, and I would give each the obligatory taste just to make sure it wasn't the same as my childhood love.

Fast forward 35 years, to February 2020. 9/

I'm in Florida on vacation to the Keys. COVID-19 is mentioned on TV, but has yet to become a pandemic. My friend and I are looking for a place to eat and we see my old friend, Golden Corral. Friend has never been, so of course, we stop and get the buffet. 10/

And there, the serving bowl nearly empty, clearly showing the popularity of the dish, was the crab salad.

I am hesitant. It's been over 3 decades and I have been constantly disappointed by inferior versions of my once-beloved buffet item. But this is Golden Corral. Surely... 11/

I take a spoonful, which was really all that was left in the bowl. I go back to my table and eat everything else I'd chosen, saving the crab salad for last, just in case it Wasn't The Same.

Darklings...it was EXACTLY as I remembered. 30+ years later, it was perfect. 12/

I savored the few bites on my plate and casually walked back to see if the serving bowl had been refilled.

It had.

You know what happens next. If you don't, you missed the part above about all-you-can-eat, and I was over 40 this time. 13/

(For those curious, I did not skip the dessert station either. Stop worrying.)

My friend eyes me and I regale her with the Tale of The Crab Salad, and she gets her own helping and agrees. I feel vindicated in my insistence on this being The Perfect Version of Seafood Salad. 14/

We finish our vacation. COVID is in full party mode and we're very lucky to get out of Florida when we did. (I literally got home three days before we went into lockdown. I'm so lucky I wasn't infected.)

But we stopped at that Golden Corral before we left. Her request. 15/

Fast forward another year. It's been a literal year of isolation, and I am looking back on where I was a year ago. I remember the Golden Corral and my beloved crab salad, recipe unchanged in 30+ years.

I appreciate their not messing with perfection. But now I've remembered. 16/

Talking with @lilithsaintcrow one evening, I regale her with The Ballad of The Crab Salad (see what I did there?) and lament both the pandemic and the fact the nearest Golden Corral is 100 miles away. No rediscovered goodness for me, but it's nice knowing it still exists. 17/

One things leads to another, and I am reminded that "we live in the future," and I may not be the only devotee of The Best Crab Salad.

So, to The Google!

Darklings...it's true. You can find anything on the Internet.

There, on multiple sites, is The Recipe. 18/

I am again hesitant. Internet recipes can be iffy, but several sites list the same ingredients and instructions, so...I print one out.

And I let it sit on my counter for a couple weeks.

I'm thinking. On one hand, it could be great.

On the other, huge disappointment. 19/

You know what? What's one more disappointing version?

With expectations low, I ask Mr. James to acquire the ingredients. They are not expensive, nor are they difficult to obtain.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

But, there's a catch. Because of course there is. 20/

You see, I don't like celery or green bell pepper. Period.

What does the recipe call for?

Green bell pepper and celery.

"You can just leave them out."

No. No, you cannot. Because then it won't Be The Same, and that's what we're after here.

So, I follow the recipe. 21/

I carefully measure, chop, slice, and mix. To the letter. Exactly as written.

The recipe makes 3lbs of salad.

I am undeterred. All-you-can-eat, baby.

As I give it a final mix, the recipe says "for best results, chill overnight."

I did not wait for the best. I had to know. 22/

Darklings...

...it was perfect.

Exactly as I remembered. The smell, the taste, everything.

And do you know what was responsible for it?

That's right. My two most hated ingredients. Green bell pepper and celery. 23/

I only took a tiny taste and knew it would be even more gorgeous in the morning. So I (very reluctantly) put the huge bowl in the fridge overnight.

I think you know what's going to happen next.

And you would be right. 24/

It's Young Dina's dream come true. Golden Corral crab salad for every meal of the day. And I'm eating the green bell pepper and celery as though we've always been friends.

Mr. James tried it. He was amazed. (So was I; he hates dairy/mayo-based things.) 25/

He took some (socially distanced) to friends. They all enjoyed it. Even the vegetarians tried it and loved it.

And now you know the Ballad of The Crab Salad.

And I'm going to go have another helping. Here it is, before being devoured.