foggy brain mixed with depersonalization mixed with some kind of OCD-reminiscent need for black and white, organized thinking makes for a very anxious stressed individual. i legit have to strain to remember anything, i struggle to remember my life in a chronological way almost to

the point that i almost feel like i make up my past experiences. it’s legitimately debilitating. i hardly remember my experiences from college two years ago, it’s that bad. i feel dumb, like none of my memories are real, like none of my friendships are real, i can’t remember how

to socialize with someone i interacted with a couple of months ago and regress back into my safe space so i don’t accidentally divulge my complete lack of memory which prevents me from feeling comfortable being intimate with anyone unless i interact with them on a daily basis.

and even then, if i get too comfortable with someone and i know they’re someone safe to speak to, i talk their freaking ear off and go full tmi because i repress myself every other time and can’t get validation any other way so i info dump all of my problems on any unfortunate

person who happens to show me any kind of sympathy. usually ends up being my mom, my sister, sometimes my dad. and in the past, some of my friends, one of which kind of took advantage of me. unfortunately this is why i hate myself and this aspect of myself is so infuriating in

the way i can’t shut it off ever. i’m doing it even now and i can’t stop myself because i’m trying to put words to my feelings in the hope that i’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong with me. unfortunately whoever is reading this is the next victim of my incessant rambling and

my word vomit. i hate it so much and this is why my self esteem has only gotten incrementally better. i want this to end on a positive, self affirming note and that’s why i keep writing but i’m not getting there. there is no revelation, there is no ah-ha moment. i’m just sad and

honestly lowkey distressed bc i don’t even remember why i started writing this or what i even wrote at the beginning of this thread. i love that for me. okay i’m forcibly ending this here. bye