Earlier this year, I said that sometimes I feel like a ping-pong ball being hit back-and-forth between J K Rowling and Sia and their transphobic/ableist fans.

Yesterday I found out about an event supporting a charity who want to prevent autistic people existing. Today I found

out that a transphobic hate group have been officially granted status as a charity. Once again, I feel like I'm being flung back-and-forth between ableism and transphobia.

It never stops. It's always happening, but big events like these - which are alarmingly frequent - make it

even worse. People celebrating someone's transphobic essay. People harassing those who spoke out against an ableist film. People rejoicing that a transphobic hate group are an officially recognised charity. People donating hundreds of thousands to an ableist charity.

I feel psychologically battered and worn down. I'm so hurt. I just feel like sobbing and begging people "Just leave me alone!" It legit feels like being daily tormented by horrific bullies / abusers. That's the psychological effect it's having on me.

I'm literally just living my life. I'm not doing anything to anyone. What did I do?? Why are people gleeful about things that hurt me?
I have no-one to even talk to about all this. No support system whatsoever. I'm just sitting here crying alone.

I don't get why they hate us. I don't get why they want us to stop existing.

[You do not need to explain the dynamics of bigotry to me, I do get that. I'm just expressing that, at the end of the day, it doesn't make sense to me to treat people like this.]

I'm right on the edge of society, not involved, not doing anything to anyone, just trying to get through each day. And yet there is this visceral hatred of me, of me existing in the ways that I do. Or a faux-benevolent desire to prevent people like me existing in the future.
WHY

I cannot overstate the psychological toll of this. I am really, really not doing well. And this on a day when I'm already dealing with two other big, psychologically distressing problems. I woke up like two hours ago and I've already gone through three really bad things.

I cannot keep living like this. [I'm not suicidal, I'm just exhausted, just expressing that the damage this is all doing to me is vast and unending and the effort it's taking to do anything but just lie here is vast.] I cannot keep seeing people's gladness at harming me.

What did I do?? Why do you hate me? Why do you want me to not be what I am? Why is me, just me as I am, not only not good enough for you, but something you outright despise and want to get rid of? Why do you value me so little when you've never met me?

Why do I have to think those questions again and again and again? Why is a nice, peaceful little life something that I'm just not allowed, that is so impossibly far out of reach? I just want to go about my day not afraid, not traumatised, not viewed as a problem in the world.

Just let me live.