Thread: Constant gaslighting of POC staff and racism denial characterised my experiences at @AmnestyUK. The toxic working culture there shaped me and my anti-racist activism/work. It is time for transformative change. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/apr/20/amnesty-international-has-culture-of-white-privilege-report-finds?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

I was so excited when I got a job at @AmnestyUK, it felt like a dream to join a leading Human Rights org. It was my first permanent job in campaigning. But quickly felt I was out of place, didn't fit the demographic or look like those around me.

From beginning I felt a need to micromanage my behaviour - my accent, my language, my likes/dislikes, the views I expressed - to fit into an overwhelmingly white and middle class environment. I felt like my being there was a mistake, that achieving white proximity could save me.

I didn't talk about my refugee background or journey to UK much, when I did I would get condescending comments like "your parents must be so proud" or "your English is actually quite good then".

I wanted to highlight my skill and talent as reason for being in job, not this.

But supressing so much of myself every single day to do well at @AmnestyUK was exhausting. Putting on this performance for benefit of white colleagues was tiring. It drained my energy and passion for my work. I became a shell of myself, not sure I've fully come out of it yet.

Denying so much of myself to survive and succeed in my job and my workplace was mentally taxing. It brought me back into a deep depression, resurfaced suicidal ideation, destroyed my feeling of self-worth. It made me feel imposter syndrome, that I didn't belong.

As I led on projects, I noticed how white colleagues in same position had easier time getting resource. I began to notice how people spoke down to me or went above my head. How development opportunities were denied. I couldn't help but feel who I was impacted how I was seen.

It is exactly these sort of deep seated beliefs and behaviours, that are rooted in racism, that is so hard to get across to white people. How institutional racism makes you doubt yourself and question your self-worth, how it makes you feel unworthy.

It was meeting other POC in the office, especially @thekieranaldred and other dear friends, that helped pull me out of the dark place I was in. Hearing their experiences and seeing how similar they were to my own made me feel I could let more of myself shine through at work.

We organised as a group of staff of colour to tackle all the forms of institutional racism that we were experiencing at @AmnestyUK. We pushed senior leaders to take our concerns seriously and tackle racism within the organisation.

So often we provided free labour for the organisation - developing action plans and solutions to racism in the organisation, advising on ill judged campaigns, stopped the org from putting out racist messages in comms, etc. Work which went underappreciated and undervalued.

But my passion for @AmnestyUK movement was so strong I felt duty bound to fix it. It was in a hotel room on work trip, where I was working late into the night feeding back on a proposal for HR, where everything changed. The intense pressure led me to think of suicide.

Thankfully, I stepped back on a lot of this emotionally exhausting work and started planning to leave @AmnestyUK and the dream job I had been so proud of for so long. The organisation had destroyed my soul.

But it was my friends and other POC at amnesty that saved it. They lifted me up and helped me see my worth. They showed me my passion for anti-racism work, which led me to working with @CharitySoWhite and pursuing a career as an anti-racism consultant.

I stand in solidarity with all those current + former @AmnestyUK staff that have shared their stories. Leadership have knowingly upheld racism, denied it through grievance procedures, and harmed POC staff. It is time for radical change, that starts with a clean sweep up top. END